Still Lonely

[Lisa_Smiles]

4 months until our wedding day, he told me he changed his mind and doesn't want kids anymore. It took me a month of online counseling to come to terms that I had to end things with him. He had been begging me to make a decision and began telling me others things he had changed his mind about (saying he wants to move every few years across the country). I finally ended things after a month of feeling numb.

We were living together and continued to live together for almost 2 months - the most awkward, uncomfortable 2 months of my life. He moved out first. I bought a house and couldn't wait to get out of our apartment.

We continued to stay in touch, with him telling me he changed his mind and wants back together. He apparently lied about the whole kids thing and now says he really wants kids. He was addicted to weed and while I knew he smoked sometimes, I had no idea of the extent. He says he assumed I would divorce him one day and wanted better for me.

I wish I could forgive him, but what is the hardest to get over is how he did it. The lies, making me question whether I wanted kids for so long without telling me the truth, but most of all, the way I had to make myself feel about him to end it. I had to hate him, even though I loved him.

We are no longer speaking. It was my decision to not speak anymore and even though we've tried many times to not talk and one of us would give in and call or text (usually him), this time I think it is official.

I feel so heartbroken and lonely. I feel like on the outside, it looks like I am doing so well. I got a new house, new job and I am very good at holding my emotions in when talking to others. I can laugh and smile and make it all look real. And sometimes it even feels real. But mostly I just feel lonely. I come home from work and sit on the couch watching tv, reading and usually napping. I also spend a lot of time on the computer. I just don't have the motivation to get things done. I moved here almost 5 months ago and I still have many boxes just sitting unpacked. Every once in a while I need something that is in one of the boxes and instead of unpacking, I just dig through the boxes until I find what I need or give up.

I want to call him and text him and tell him I love him, but I know that I will just regret it. But lately, I don't really care. The only thing that is really stopping me is that I am afraid I would just be giving him hope for something that isn't going to happen.

Some background info: we were together almost 10 years (high school sweethearts) and were long distance the majority of our relationship. He is the only real relationship I've ever been in and the only man I've ever loved. We've now been broken up for 8 months. I've thought about trying to date, but I don't really want to.

Any advice?

[Olenjka10]

You need to cut him off and start living your life. Find a guy who really wants the best for you, who could give you family you looking for and children. Life's too short anyway why waste it? Good luck.

[confused_guy_b]

It sounds like you are scared to move on and are very lonely. This guy doesn't seem to be on the same page or maturity level with you. I suggest you move on and try to make the best of it.

If you were to get back together I still don't think he would want kids, that is just a front to try to lure you back in and try again. The second time you might not be as successful in dealing with him and getting what you want out of life. There is plenty of fish in the sea and it is most unfortunate the circumstances that you have gone through but you should have known long ago that he was not what you were looking for through subtle hints. That is not saying he won't change and become a better person maybe one you could have children and a fulfilling life with but now is not a good time for him.

I hope this advice isn't in vain and remember to always use your heart. No one knows the situation like you and later on down the line you very well regret your decisions you have made today. Don't lie to yourself!

Good luck! ~Brian~

[SealedWithAKISS]

All I can share with you is that heartbreak takes time to wear off. Falling in love is just a mystery. There is not logic to it. And when you are in love, everything seems easy and blissful. A comfort level and connection develops like nothing you have experienced before with anyone else. Your mind is so in tuned with them and you find yourself thinking about them a lot. There is a sense of stability and security based on my experiences.

It is difficult to remain in love when a line such as honesty has been crossed. Being deceived is not an easy thing to accept especially when you've been together for so long.

I can relate to you quite well. Without telling you what to do, I will say mourning is normal and will end when you reach an understanding of why things ended the way it did. Leaving a lover who has betrayed you is not an easy choice but better in the long run. Walking the lonely road is not where anyone wants to be but it’s normal and part of the mourning process.

I usually reflect and read and write to get things out of my mind. I also paint and exercise a lot. But finding ways to express myself allows me to fill the gap of not being able to talk to the person I miss. It’s never the same but now is the beginning stages of new growth. A new foundation of living is being built from the flames and ashes of a prior love. In time, the emotions will fade. It just takes time and courage to face it until you are ready to just stop thinking and feeling about it.

There are many ways to cope with it. But choose what is right for you. Embrace this moment of transition through reflection and meditation until you find inner peace with your decision.