do i care about him or not?

[ladybirdherd]

i met a boy at a party four years ago. we spent the night together talking till late. i made it clear i had a boyfriend but it didn't stop me from enjoying his company. we kept in touch and met up every so often. it was clear that he was really in to me but as i always had boyfriends i never thought of him in that way. he was always very romantic with me, showing me the stars but i chose to ignore his attempts at wooing me indirectly.

for the last four years i've been all over the shop and been in too many relationships but always this boy would come and visit me and still be impressed with me much to my confusion.

i have never had a friendship like this before and after a wonderful adventure to london one night i began to see him in a different light. he'd grown up a bit and his clumsy ways in front of me seemed more cute and goofy. i am quite a sexual person and i always thought he was too reserved for me but we spoke about sex for the first time which made me see he maybe wasn't as i had expect (in a good way if that doesn't sound immature).

a couple of months ago i broke off from a relationship i'd spent a year dedicated too, but i realised towards the end that we were just very good friends.

during my breakup with my ex, i met up with my friend once again. he gave me a flower and i was touched. it was later unveiled through my prompting that he had indeed cared about me for the last four years. and i told him i felt for him too.

the last few months we have become very close, almost too close considering i have only just broke up with my ex. our feelings have become very intense and although i realise i'm young i can see that he would be the perfect partner for my future. however, despite the amount of happiness he gives me and how much i love being his girlfriend, every so often i worry that because i never felt romantic feelings for him before, how can i all of a sudden feel that way? is it a niggle for a reason, or am i just trying to protect myself from something that is good for me, or do i not know what it is to have mature feelings for someone, as i have been so wrong in the past.

it has become clear that i need to sort my head out and that so does he. we both have growing up to do and i feel that it will benefit us both if we do really care each other and want to be together in the future. but i worry that i have lost him forever..

i do not know what my gut feeling is anymore. my gut before was that i didn't care for him in that way the last 4 or so years, but now my gut is utterly confused...

[devonbrown]

I think a couple things have happened here. You have matured some and you have acknowledged that he has matured as well. Who you are now is not who you were four years ago, so don't even worry about why you didn't want to date him before. What matters is the present. Don't over-analyze and put unnecessary roadblocks in the way of your happiness.

Good luck.

[ladybirdherd]

so does it seem that i am just making things hard for myself?

this will sound incredibly immature of me but whilst i can sit there one minute look in to his eyes and feel incredibly close the next minute i will be unattracted by his goofy teeth or big nose. on a physical level before i didn't find him attractive and now i do but will pick at the old things i didn't find attractive.

i feel pathetic being this way. is it immaturity, as also when i was out with him and my friend one night he wasn't very affectionate and it bothered me.

the poor boy is so confused by me. i hardly know how to resurrect it all as i've pushed him away. he says i'll always be the one for him but too be honest i wouldn't want me when i'm so back to front.

[devonbrown]

So, to be fair to him, you need to step back and figure out what you want. Forget the "old" thoughts you had about him and just focus on now. Determine if you are willing to put in the effort for him as he does for you. If you can answer yes, then go for it.