Difficult situation - Boyfriend has 3 kids

[librooks]

My b/f and I have been together for only 2 months, but we really love each other and I think we may have a future. But he's been divorced for 3 months and has 3 kids (age 8, 9, and 10). They're great kids, polite and well-behaved. I've never been with a guy who has kids, so this is all new to me. He gets them every other weekend. Our time together hasn't suffered, but he keeps pushing the kids on me and wants them to "get to know" me. He's not asking me to play mommy or anything. We DO have fun when we go out together, and the kids really like me. On the other hand, he and I have to "hide" our feelings for each other. We can't hold hands or kiss. He says that will change really soon, and I know he's just being a good father, but I'm not used to having to hide my feelings. And there's a selfish part of me that hates the idea that I'm not #1 in his life. His ex-wife is not very stable, so he said he may fight for full custody. This will mean the end of our relationship but he just doesn't see that. I don't want to get hurt; the future of our relationship rests on his ex-wife's stability!

Are there any other childfree-by-choice people out there who have had experiences with a significant other who already has kids? How has it worked out for you? Any advice?

[sfalexi]

Our time together hasn't suffered, but he keeps pushing the kids on me and wants them to "get to know" me. He's not asking me to play mommy or anything. We DO have fun when we go out together, and the kids really like me. On the other hand, he and I have to "hide" our feelings for each other. We can't hold hands or kiss. He says that will change really soon, and I know he's just being a good father, but I'm not used to having to hide my feelings.

Sounds like a stand-up guy so far. He's pushing you to know the kids because he TOO thinks you'll have a future together. Otherwise, why would he be wanting the kids to get to know you better? Hiding the feelings while the kids are around is also a very smart thing to do. I have a little sister (11) and she is STILL bummed out that my ex-girlfriend doesn't come by anymore and talk to her anymore (after 6 months). So I've decided that any future relationships will be announced to my sister as 'just friends' so she doesn't get her hopes up of having someone there in her life, and then have to lose that person again. And that's just my SISTER. Imagine that with a child. THREEFOLD! . . .

And there's a selfish part of me that hates the idea that I'm not #1 in his life.

Understandable, but something that you'll have to get over if you want this to work out. No matter WHAT you do or say, if he is to be a good father, the kids will always have to be #1. Even above HIMSELF. But you've only been there three months, maybe it'll settle in with alittle more time and a little more interaction with the kids.

His ex-wife is not very stable, so he said he may fight for full custody. This will mean the end of our relationship but he just doesn't see that.

Once again, he's watching out for the kids number one. I'll bet that even if you were to tell him STRAIGHT TO HIS FACE that if he got the kids you wouldn't be able to see him anymore, he'll choose the kids over you. And I'd agree with him wholeheartedly on his choice. Kids of that young an age especially deserve to be in a stable, loving household. If you don't want part of it, (sorry to say this), but too bad.

Incidentally, why would it be the end of the relationship? Can you elaborate on what's going on through your mind when you play out the scenario of him getting custody?

Rod Steele

[librooks]

I think it would be the end because we wouldn't be able to spend any time together without the kids being there. It's already difficult enough because we live 45 minutes apart from each other. If it were a year or so into the relationship it may be easier. But we're in the getting-to-know-you stage, the honeymoon period. He has lots of family nearby where he could drop the kids off, but then I end up feeling guilty that I'm taking him away from his kids. This is all new to me. His whole family is so kid-centric. Everyone has kids! I not only don't have them, nor do I want them, but this is the first time I've been around kids since I was one myself (I don't come from a big family, and all of my friends are child-free like me). It's a complete culture shock, for both of us I guess. He IS such a wonderful, upstanding guy, and he's an amazing father, very dedicated to his kids. Of course they should come first, and he's been VERY accommodating to me and our relationship. I guess I just have to accept being #2 in his life...well, #4 actually since he's got 3 kids.

[sfalexi]

Well, let's look at the time you WILL be taking away from his kids. Should he get custody, he'll have them 24 hours a day. Lets say you see him every day for five hours. He still sees THEM 19 hours a day. And it seems to me like you guys aren't up to the "every day" part yet. So you won't be taking that much time away. Also, there's no need to feel guilty as long as he doesn't mind.

As for the not wanting kids, well, that's a toughie. Cause if he gets custody, and you guys go long term, you'll have some. True, not yours, but they'll be there and you'll have to deal with them.

As for me, if I were in your situation, I'd make it clear to him that you're not sure what's going to happen and you're not sure about the future. But I'd still try it out. No harm in trying. Just make sure he realizes that you're not committing so that should you decide it's not the life for you, you can back out and he'll have been prepared. But if he's a wonderful, upstanding guy, can't hurt to go along. Just go along until either you get comfortable with it, or realize that you won't ever be. As long as he knows that THAT is the situation.

That's what I would do.

Rod Steele

[jslaughter]

I came to this forum becuase I was in a situation very similar to yours - I started dating a man named Drew who was divorced with a son and a crazy ex-wife. Drew was a wonderful man and his son was great. My situation was different, in so far as I want to get married and have a family some day so I welcomed the thought of having a son.

Ultimately what it came down to as time wore on was that Drew's crazy ex was ALWAYS going to be in our lives. She was always going to wrecking plans by having "emergencies" that required her to drop off their son at Drew's house at the last minute. She was always going to be walking into his house, eavesdropping on phone calls, etc, etc. There was only one viable way out - one day I would have to out-bitch her, and I knew I COULD do it, but I didn't think I would like who I would have to be in order to do it. Things just sort of fizzled out . . .now I see a man who is more on the same page that I am and things are much better for me. Hopefully Drew can find someone who can handle the challenges that his ex-wife brings into his relationships.

Jules

[jslaughter]

Normally I agree with Rod 110%, but this time I have to say that I see things a little differently . . .

I agree with Rod, in so far as you need to tell this man where you stand on things. He needs to know how you feel about the future of his relationship if he would happen to get custody of his kids.

I was in a similar situation when I came to this forum, and there are a few things you need to know right out of the gate - - -

#1) The kids' mother is ALWAYS going to be in your boyfriend's life. If she is not a stable individual you and he will bear the brunt of that, and I am not trying to be ugly or to scare you off but she's always going to be around - if you can't stomach that GET OUT NOW - - her influence will only be felt more as time goes by, not less.

#2) I don't think you should ride things out and see how they go - if he has introduced you to his kids, he is very serious about you. You need to talk to him about what you are feeling ASAP and together the two of you need to decide where you want to go from there. (Frankly, he may have reservations about being with someone who feels the way you do about kids and if he is going to be in a position where he has to decide - isn't it better that it happen sooner rather than later when more emotions and time have been invested?)

#3) You are NOT selfish and you are entitled to feel the way you feel, but if you are in a relationship with someone who may be a fulltime father soon and you don't know if you can stomach not being his top priority - you have a responsibility to let him know that. NOT telling him how you feel when not just his feelings but his children's feelings are on the line, well that is not the kindest thing that you can do.

Good Luck!