My Dilemma

[Ragdoll]

Hi,

I'm Vivian and I have a huge dilemma. I thought about everything by now but I can't make up my mind! I'm sorry about the huge wall of text but it kind of felt like a relief typing it too.

So here's my story:

I fell in love with this guy 3,5 year ago. I was a bit younger back then and he was everything I ever searched for in a guy. It went great for 2 years and after that I broke up, the only reason I really did that was because we had no real intimacy anymore and it all felt like we were doing the same thing every day. I didn't dislike him, nothing annoyed me about him and I know he loved me a lot and would do anything for me.

So after we broke up (and I realize that this sounds as if I don't care) I went out and met up with one of my best friends. I ended up in bed a week after that which was 2 weeks after my break up. I don't know how it happened but all of a sudden he started calling a relationship and I just didn't feel comfortable with him so after 3 weeks I broke up. I felt horrible but it all felt like such an impulsive action and that our friendship was worth more.

Of course I still had my ex on my mind which isn't so strange after being together for 2 years. He had a hard time after I told him I slept with my best friend. 2 weeks after I told him we got back together and it went good for 3 weeks, I don't know why it went from that to the way it was before I broke up the first time. We were together for 6 months after that and then I broke up again because we were going down the same path again.

I cried a lot after that and he did too, especially since I had hurt him for a second time. And he didn't believe I cared at all while I really do care about him. I was alone until 2 months ago that is when I met another guy. I met him through friends and he's really nice and friendly. But even though I am with him now and today is even our 2 month anniversary I can't stop thinking about my first ex, even though we had those bad times and all those break ups.

Now you would think the first guy wouldn't want me back, but I know he would reconsider. I told him I did sleep with the guy I am with now and he took it relatively well. Before I was with the first guy I was totally new to that, I didn't feel like going past anything but kissing before that.

I just really don't know what to do. I can call my ex at any minute and he would be here in 10 minutes. I can't even think of him being with other girls as it makes me want to be with him. The guy I am with now is really nice though and I know he really cares about me too but it just doesn't feel like the first guy. I don't think I could say "I love you too" to him if he would say that to me, while it feels like I could say that to my ex if he would say that to me...

Now the logical answer would seem break up with the guy I'm with now and go back with my ex as it seems I really do love him. but what if it turns out in the same thing the last time we got back together... I know I'd never have a fourth chance and it scares me what if it turns out wrong again? Am I holding on too much to the feelings he once gave me?

I know it's something I should probably know and listen to my heart, but my heart is confused and it needs some help.

Thanks in advance

[Junket]

Leave the poor bastard alone. You don't know what you want and you're lookin' to string him along as your bitch until you find out.

And give him this URL so we can smack some sense into him.

[Ragdoll]

He does know this all, I'm very open and told him about my doubts. And as for the smacking part, you have friends for that and I'm sure they tried to talk him out of it like real friends would..

My biggest worry really is that it will turn into the way it was when we broke up if it would not be like that I'd really want to get back together. Because I really do care about him and love him too just the drag and loss of passion put me off a bit.

And I'm definitely not trying to drag him along with me for an eternity! I haven't said anything to him pretty much since we broke up so he could go on. And he did go out with girls but still wants to get back together with me...

[Moonchild]

Life itself is repetitive. As long as you expect things to always be wonderful and new, you'll find yourself in the same position. You want to enjoy day-to-day stuff, and if things start to even out, shake it up once in a while. It's a mutual effort, and I get the feeling that neither of you really tried. Passion doesn't keep itself alive after years and years--you have to want it and boost the flame every so often. That's something you both did wrong, I think, or maybe that you both just don't understand quite yet... You got so secure in your relationship that you both likely started to think that you didn't have to do anything to keep it alive. I don't know what to say of the current situation, but if you can't say you love the current guy, that's probably fine for the time being. But if you can't say that you like him as a romantic partner, then don't continue the relationship. Whether you go back to your ex isn't something anyone here can decide for you, and it's nothing you can take a poll on. That part /is/ your heart--a small piece that none of us can get at. We can only try to help you understand. So yes, listen to your heart. Figure out what it's saying, and what you'll be happiest with in the long run. And figure out what you can do for the flame--not necessarily in this relationship or one with your ex if you go back to him, but just in general. Relationships don't just happen. Things only get dull if you let them, and things won't work if neither or only one person tries--I've been in three one-year relationships in my time, and the problems were various... but only one of them tried. The other two seemed to think that once I said "yes" after they asked me out, the work would end there. It doesn't. Heck, my parents could tell you that--life is the same, week after week, so they'll do little things to keep things changing and new. My dad'll go out to dinner with my mom sometimes for no reason, and it'll be somewhat spontaneous. It's not a regular thing, it's not planned--neither is it when he gets her candy from the grocery store after doing the weekly shopping. And while I have so many friends whose parents are getting divorced--due to arguing or the fact that there just isn't anything there anymore, my parents are still doing fine, after twenty-one years. They have to be doing something right. They keep the flame more carefully than most.

...getting to the point where I'm not sure any of my posts make sense... >> Ah well. Take out of this what you will.

[Mathias]

Life itself is repetitive.

Life is as repetitive as you make it. I intentionally make it so my life isn't.

[Moonchild]

Life is as repetitive as you make it. I intentionally make it so my life isn't.

Agreed on that. As I said, things only get dull if you let 'em. =)

[Ragdoll]

Thanks those last 3 post really opened my eyes. Any no I didn't mean to make it sound like it was some sort of poll between them! :<

I guess I really never tried, I know he did but I just didn't really appreciate anything at that time.

Thanks a lot <3

[ExpoNovak]

Now the logical answer would seem break up with the guy I'm with now and go back with my ex as it seems I really do love him.
Thanks in advance

No, no, no, no, no. WRONG. The logical answer is to break ties with both of them and spend some time alone. You are co-dependent. You don't love your ex, you just don't remember what life was like before him. Life with him was "normal" but if you were genuinely happy with him you would not be in this situation, would you?

No.

Time to focus on YOUR likes and dislikes. Time to spend time with yourself and be selfish without dragging others through the mud to figure out what you want. Do it on your own. Your ex is obviously not the guy for you otherwise you wouldn't have broken up with him twice. This guy isn't the guy for you because you're still thinking about your ex.

Just get everybody out of your system and start fresh. It's really the only way to roll.