How do I approach in a bar?

[quaziloko]

I am a nice enough looking guy so Ive been told and I am easy to talk to but its always that first step I dont know what to do? You see a cute girl at the bar and you want to talk to her but your scared shitless of looking like a fool. She might have her friends with her and I dont want them laughing at me all night but this girl is hott and I dont know what to say to her AT ALL. Whats the first move to break the ice and how do I know if theyre interested?

[jockzon]

When I'm at a bar, I like it if the guy just sits next to me quietly for awhile. Then, later on, we can just start talking. Maybe she will talk first! Sometimes I do that! Don't be worried. Just try.

[Doc Durian]

Drop your guts on the bar stool, lean over and ask her if she's got a KFC moist towellette in her purse that she could lend you?

I dunno... learn how to build structures out of paper match books and start doing it at the seat besides her.. She's bound to want to give it go with you.

[Cbrider]

Haha, I remember when I was in this boat, its an awkward spot to be in.

The first thing you have to do is realize that not every girl is going to respond in a happy and polite way to your advance. Once you get that through your head, you are good to go.

Its pretty easy to tell if a female in a bar thinks your cute. I don't care what anyone tells you, WOMEN have wandering eyes just like men. They stare just as much as any guy in a bar. When you turn around and a girl giggles or smiles and shyly looks away, thats your queue.Its not rocket science, signs of attraction are pretty obvious if you know what to look for.

The biggest part of approaching a girl in a bar is simply to throw your nervousness aside and swallow your pride. If you catch a girl starring at you and shes with a bunch of friends......don't worry about it. Just stand up and go introduce yourself. "Hey, I saw you looking my direction so I thought I should come introduce myself. My name is _____...." The worst that can happen is she drops the "I have a boyfriend" line or whatever else she can think of. Nothing lost, and in fact, if you have the guts to walk up like that, you better believe those friends surrounding her were probably pretty impressed with your assertiveness.

I've had a girl drop the boyfriend line, only to have an even cuter friend come up to me later and introduce them self to me because I had the balls to come say hello.

If thats something you can't bring yourself to do, get out on the floor and dance. May sound stupid, but its incredibly easy to meet girls on the floor. There are ALWAYS those girls that come out with their girlfriend(s) to the bar and end up dancing with each other on the dance floor. They might as well be holding a sign that says "Come dance with me."

Its a numbers game most of the time and every girl is going to react different than the last. Just relax and be yourself, its not uncommon for a girl to come up to YOU these days. If you stay calm and collected you have done 75% of the work already.

[Icej2k]

Cbrider knows what he's talking about. But I just have a few additions.

Seriously, all you need to do is approach. "Act through your own intentions"... Basically, as Cb said, girls will respect you for it. So never hesitate. Hesitation does two things... it makes you look bad, and it makes it harder to approach... It is NOT cute. It is to some girls, but we are not all Hugh Grant, and this is not a film, so for the most part, It will hinder you more thn it will help...

And as I just said on another post, indifference is the key. And the only way to stop caring, and become indifferent is by going out there and approaching. Your aim is not to get rejected, but rejection is good. "It's a game of numbers" - literally, the more times you get rejected, the more likely you are to get a success. but don't worry, statistics is not the only thing working on your side, the more rejections you get, the less you will care when you do get rejected. And a "bad night" is created when you allow rejection to break your state. And when you become less outcome oriented (the outcome being getting a girls number or whatever) and your aura dictates that you are just a fun guy, there to have a good time, the more positive results you will get.

And don't worry, by "aura", I'm being a hippie. I'm talking about sub communication. Here's a fun little rule. Some people dispute it, but it is generally accepted in the fields of communication and human behaviour. And that is that 55% of your communication is body language, 38% in voice tonality and 7% is the actual words that you use.

This does not mean that you have to study body language, and voice tonality. The correct sub-communications are hard-wired into our brains. The same way you can look at someone's body language and know that they are happy or sad, you can get yourself into a fun, value-offering "state", girls will pick up on that and accept your approaches more often.

And this introduces the concept of value. I will keep this brief (it deserves its own post, but I do not have time right now). By being value-offering, I mean that you have to have something to offer. So you have to approach with a slightly higher energy level than the girls so that they know you can offer more fun, rather than bore them and "take" value from the group.

Now, as for what yo say, there are different kinds of approaches. It seems that Cb prefers direct openers, that blatantly show that you are interested in someone. You can also use different indirect openers, that can just seem generally friendly to the girls. And if there is more than one girl there and you use a direct opener, one of the other girl(s) will sometimes act as obstacles to "protect" their friend from being swept off her feet... On the other hand, if you use an indirect opener on the whole group, they are more likely to accept you, and then you can show interest in the target after disarming the obstacles.

anyway, here are a few approaches:
DO NOT USE CHEESY CHAT-UP LINES
however, the sweet things that guys say on tv are used a lot less than you may think..

Direct:
"Hey, I just saw you from across the bar, and I just had to tell you how beautiful you looked" - I personally do not use this one
"Hi, I'm ____" - It is direct, as it is obvious that you are interested

Indirect:
"Hey... Are you guys fun?"
"I totally love your hair... Is it real?" - indirect because a guy trying to "get in there" would be too scared to point out possible imperfections.
"Stella or strongbow?" - or any drinks... then transition on to a normal conversation.


Any questions..? Just post back and I will reply when I can. If you want me to explain or expand, then ask away.

[Yggdrasil]

Whatever approach you use, the main message in all of them is: get over your fear of rejection.

On average , if you ask 10 women, 6 will give you an excuse, 4 will be interested to talk to you and you may get 1 pottential date out of it.

In order to be able to find an at least partialy compatible long term date, you won't settle of course for the first one.

So add the being picky part to that, and you'll easily be asking somewhere around 100 women in order to end up with 10 possible candidates.

That comes to 60 time no, 30 times maybe, 9 short dates and 1 pottential long term date.

Those numbers are not written in stone of course, but it should give you a rough idea how many times you'll be 'rejected'.

So.. get over that fear. It's simple: if you don't ask, you have zero chance, if you ask, you have 50/50 chance.

And everytime you get a no, you're one step closer to a yes.

For what it's worth... it's good practice to build up your self esteem.

Also: educate yourself about as many topics as possible, from arts to science. That way you have plenty of material to talk about. Women love to talk and a guy who can talk for hours about a multitude of different things is in the eyes of a woman at least interesting, if not attractive.

[Spicy]

Send her over a drink, chances are she'll come over and say thanks and there you are, with an in

[Doc Durian]

I must be sending drinks to the wrong gals.

Haven't had a thanks yet. A few smiles, yes.... but a hearty down home walk up and thanks...

...I can only dream of that distant age.

[Spicy]

Really? I always say thank you. I'm a stickler for manners

[Doc Durian]

Your mum raised you right.

[IndiReloaded]

I must be sending drinks to the wrong gals.

Haven't had a thanks yet. A few smiles, yes.... but a hearty down home walk up and thanks...

...I can only dream of that distant age.

You mean they accept your drink w/o a thank you? Wow.

Of course, isn't it a bit forward to actually buy someone a drink w/o asking them first? If I didn't want it, but couldn't send it back, I'd personally feel rather uncomfortable about it. I'd probably thank them, but then I'd make sure I reciprocated as I was leaving.

[Doc Durian]

You mean they accept your drink w/o a thank you? Wow.

Of course, isn't it a bit forward to actually buy someone a drink w/o asking them first? If I didn't want it, but couldn't send it back, I'd personally feel rather uncomfortable about it. I'd probably thank them, but then I'd make sure I reciprocated as I was leaving.

It depends on which cultures you live in. Some places, it's always well received, and others.... they treat you like an old coot trying to get down their pants on the night.

I'm not old in the slightest, and reasonably attractive, tidy, confident.... but I seldom bother doing the drink thing.

I think the current single/dating generations would be more thankful for an E tablet, an upsized Burger King combo, and an eighth of smoke sent to their table.

[Cbrider]

On the flip side, maybe a smile is their idea of an invitation for you to go talk to them.

Just a thought...I would say thank you if I was the girl in that case.

[Mish]

Confidence, confidence, confidence, confidence, confidence

Don't even attempt the cold pick ups when you are not in the right state of mind. Do whatever you have to, to make yourself feel confident in you and your abilities. Play rock music on stage, win a championship, get promoted... Because when you are confident, nothing else matters. You don't care what people will say to you, you just do, project your personality and go with the flow. You make the room come alive. This is what women at the bar will be looking for, an engaging, interesting, exciting, entertaining personality so if you don't have the confidence better stay at home.

[Illusional]

ask her if she'd care for a drink.

raverboy