My ex is ruining my marriage

[anonniemouse]

I can't really keep this short so I apologise in advance:

I used to live in the USA around 5 years ago. While I lived there, I met a girl. We fell in love the moment we met. It was like something you see in the movies. I'd fly to her state to see her.

One time I flew in and she met me at the airport. She ran across the terminal and jumped into my arms and we have people applauding us as I picked her up and kissed her.

That sort of movie thing.

We were totally in love. Looking back it's ironically and stupidly the thing that killed our relationship. I met up with her the last time we were together, she was upset by some things in her life outside our relationship. I was so in love and infatuated... she lashed out. It hurt me and I'd be hurt in the past in relationships. That night I took a walk and cried my eyes out. I guess I closed off and weeks later I broke up with her, convinced it was the best thing to do.

I moved on, or so I thought, but I'd constantly be reminded of this girl.

I'm now back in the UK and married. I met a great girl, she fell pregnant and we got married. Unfortunately she had a miscarriage and the child was never born.

I have dreams about my ex that literally haunt me. I wake up in the morning and it screws with my head. I've seen hypnotherapists, everything. I fear that it will ruin my marriage.

When I think of her I feel she was my soulmate and I can't get over that.

My wife is great but this hangs over me and I can't seem to get past it. It's been 5 years since we dated and I cannot move on. I've had more than a few relationships that have suffered because of the way I feel about this girl.

I did the only thing that I know I should not have done in my marriage earlier this year and I reached out to this girl. I couldn't take it anymore and I emailed her. I feel like I'm still close to her for some reason and 5 years feels like 5 minutes.

We shared a few emails for a week or so. I told her how I feel still and about my dreams I have. It turned out it was her birthday when I emailed her. She seemed surprised yet happy to hear from me and let slip that she still has the rough drawings I made when we got matching tattoos (something I've always frowned at but made sense at the time). I know her well enough to know that she'd never tell me something that would cause me to ruin my marriage but why has she kept a piece of scrap paper for 5 years?

My dreams are so intense that I wake up with tears in my eyes sometimes. I try to be close to my wife and make things work and sometimes it's good. But inevitably I have these dreams and it makes me long for this girl. As hard as I try, after I have these dreams I'm distant and withdrawn. It takes me a while to forget and move past it. But it always, always happens. Sometimes a few a week, sometimes non for a month.

I sounds ridiculous but I feel I'm supposed to be with this girl and life just keeps telling me that I need to be with her. I sit and look at flights to the USA and then pull myself together and tell myself I'm married and that I need to get a grip.

I feel like my life isn't complete without her as mad as it sounds. My relationship with my wife suffers because of this. Day to day we have very few disagreements and get on well, but when we do have them she tends to over-react and walk out on me. As shameful as it sounds, one of the first things that comes into my head is "I can go and see this girl now".

I don't know what to do. I'm not a bad person and I do believe in marriage. I just worry my life will be dictated by this

[melancholia]

"I sit and look at flights to the USA and then pull myself together and tell myself I'm married and that I need to get a grip." Keep doing that. You let the other girl go, and now you're married to another woman, whom you say is great. Focus your energy on your marriage and your wife. Stop acting like a foolish child, caught up in the idea of something that ended five years ago. Just because that woman, and the relationship you had with her, seemed great at the time, doesn't mean it would still be great now. And just because she is someone you often fantasize about being with, doesn't mean you should be.

Put more energy into your current life, and your current partner. The more you focus your energy and attention on your marriage, and your wife, the less you will think about this other woman and what "could have been".

The fact is, you're married. You don't get to play games and shrug your shoulders and say "now I can go see that other girl" every time you have a tiff with your wife. You should be taking your marriage seriously, and it sounds like you two have gone through some difficult times. Be present for your wife, and be present in your current life. The more you dwell on the past, the less you will be putting into your marriage and it will continue to suffer. Don't be that guy who walks out on his wife just because of some fantasy with a chick you dated a couple years ago. It's not worth breaking up a marriage for a fantasy. And that is all it is: a fantasy.