Major Long-Term Relationship Problem (Long)

[Tarabell952]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years (He's 22, I'm 21). When our relationship began, it was beautiful and wonderful and everything a relationship should be. This lasted for 2 years. Then, the relationship lost some of its spark, which normally happens in a long-term relationship. We still loved each other, but the newness was gone. This was my first long-term relationship. I didn't know how to deal.

At the same time, my classes at school got extremely difficult. I am an English major and I had to read hundreds of pages a day. I had little time, and started unconsciously neglecting him. He tried so hard to make things right, always hugging me and telling me he loved me. But I basically pushed him away. When he came into my room to cuddle or something, I would say, "I have so much homework to do. Please go away so I can do it." I was not hurting him on purpose. I was trying to get good grades so I could build a beautiful future. But all the same I now know that I was really destroying our relationship. If I only understood then...

I must have hurt him beyond anything I can comprehend. This went on like this for 2 whole years, and he kept trying to make things right again. He tried but really didn't communicate to me his feelings. I honestly was unaware of what I was doing. I was way too focused on school. I hurt him so much. Then a few months ago, he basically gave up. He started hanging out with this girl he works with. I was way okay with this, but one night he stayed the night at her house. He swears he did not cheat. He just says that he was too drunk to drive home. That night I freaked out. I figured he was cheating. All of a sudden, everything became so clear to me. I finally realized everything I had done wrong and that I could lose him if I did not change.

The next day I apologized to him and I swore to him that I would never allow things to get like this again. I promised that I would always, always put 100% into this relationship. That was on Thanksgiving, and I have kept my promise to this day and I will never stop trying.

Unfortunately, this did not fix things magically. When I apologized to him, he finally realized he has a right to be mad and let all of his built up anger come out. He has a lot of bitterness inside because of the way I treated him. He gets angry and blows up at me a lot. He says and does a lot of things that hurt me. He still does not trust me completely because I hurt him so badly. Often, when I try to talk about my feelings, he doesn't listen but instead says "Well look at what you did to me for two years". I can understand this.

However, he continues to go out with this girl about one night a week. He has not stayed the night at her house again. I've asked to come out with them, but he will not let me. He gives me a million reasons - He wants one friend who doesn't know me, he wants to go out one night a week without me, etc... I really don't think he's cheating, but I know it seems like he is. This whole thing makes me go insane (I've lost 20 pounds), and I try to tell him I'd feel better if he'd just let me come one time. But he just says "well, you're the one who made me the way I am. If you hadn't done that, none of this would have happened" Then we end up fighting. This happens all too often.

However, he is trying his hardest. He often does really sweet things and hugs me and tells me he loves me. I know we still love each other, and I believe that we can get through this. Our relationship is special, and we are a good match. I will not break up with him. I at least owe him the time he gave me when I didn't care. I love him so much I can't even describe it. But things are really screwed up and I am so stressed out. I am hoping someone can give me advice to make this a little better. I have never needed help so much in my life. Thank you to anyone who has spent their time reading this.

[schueys_girl]

I feel for you mate I really do. Its hard when we are concentrating on other important things (college, school and university work can seriously take over your life!). It is good you realised how much you hurt him but he stuck around thru it which shows that there is definetly something strong between you...a guy which didnt care definetly would not put up with that for 2 years...not even for 2 weeks!

I understand how upset you are about him spending time with this other girl and him giving you excuses why you cant come. Its hard to say because I dont know the guy whether he is simply doing this on purpose now because it annoys you and he wants you to feel hurt as thats how you made him feel...""""Well look at what you did to me for two years""""

However it worries me slightly that he said """well, you're the one who made me the way I am. If you hadn't done that, none of this would have happened""" its confusing because i would of thought after you had apologised to him and obviously put the effort in now him choosing to stay with you is effectively him forgiving you. It now seems like he is throwing it back in your face, and that he hasnt forgiven you at all.

I appreciate it will take a long time for his wounds to heal, as your hurt him over a long period of time, but i dont think his attitude of blaming you for this girl is fair, he is targetting you in a direct manner which i dont think is going to be healthy or positive for your relationship.

Advice? hmm its hard to say. clearly you still love him, and surely he stuck thru all that he still loves you. 2 options i think:

(1) If i was you I would talk to him saying you know you hurt him and your working your way thru the relationship making it up to him, and ask him if he thinks his attitute with this girl (him blaming you for the situation etc) is healthy and positive for the future of your relationship because all it does is cause fights.

(2) let him see this girl once a week, if you think hes not cheating (you should know if hes capable by now i guess or be able to see any difference in him) then just let him carry on seeing her and dont make a fuss. I know this is hard but just see how it goes, he may eventually getbored of her or even invite you when he thinks you wont be funny towards her.

Ultimately i think he is using this friendship with this girl to show his independance to you. he may feel foolish for being treated like crap for 2 years and is worried that you think you can treat him like utter crap and he will still be there for you. Him doing something completely seperate from you and excluding you shows he has a life outside you. Using a girl mate instead of a bloke simply exterts the point more strongly.

Yes you did wrong. But if you have apologised and are now working on the relationship if he has chosen to forgive you and stay with you he should no longer be throwing this in your face...

p.s. sorry if this was utter crap lol!

[III Angie III]

TARA: this may help you.... It's a similiar situation except, it's from a guys point of view.
You may be able to relate to what he's going through.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t4792-heartachewhere-do-i-start.html[/url]

Here's his update: [url]http://www.loveforum.net/t5636-heres-an-updatehelp.html[/url]

[inkeepingsecret]

yeah, i somewhat understand what your b/f may have been going through in the past. I think that schueys_girl's advice is pretty good. Although, you made some mistakes, it doesnt give him the right to purposly hurt you. Be honest, and tell him that it's unhealthy for your realtionship.Towards the end of my relationship, my ex hurt me (unintentionally?), we broke up briefly and got back together. After that, i was testing her constantly. Which led to the final break. I know its what she decided early this year, but whatever.

Maybe, he is testing you in some sort of way. Im not sure if it is intentional, but he is having some trust issues. I say, if you love him and you want to make it work, then stick it out. The only way things will get better is if you guys can communicate your issues.

[BlackRose]

It sounds to me like you both are to blame. You started out by neglecting him but then he went off with some other girl to fill the gap. I would say that he is dating this woman. He may not have cheated as in had sex, but I'd say that they have at least kissed. He wont let you go out with them, that is the first red flag. Next, is all the blame he is placing on you. You are trying, hon and you should be getting credit for that. You really didn't do anything so horribly unforgivable. You put your future first and that was the right thing to do. Now you want to be there for him and he is holding a grudge. If it were me, I would just find out where they were going and show up without asking. This way he can't say that he told you no in advance. Don't spy, just show up. This may not be too wise but it's what I would do if I wanted to get to the bottom of it. Introduce yourself as "(your name), (his name)'s girlfriend" and see what she does. Watch her face. Good luck sweetie. I feel for you with the long distance thing. I've done it. It hurts a lot sometimes.