Finding what we love

[Blaige]

There is a lot of history here that I'm not going to get into. I'm not sure what I'm expecting to get out of posting here. Maybe some reassurance or advice.
This is my story...
My boyfriend and I have become disconnected. After 4 amazing and chaotic years we've finally decided to take a break from each other. We don't see eye to eye anymore because we're lost. We don't know who we are anymore. Things we used to do and love, things that used to define us as people and thing I believe connected us have slowly disappeared.
When we met each other our lives were very busy. I was in college, but gave up on that to just live and find what i wanted. He was in a band that wasn't going where he wanted. When we met there was an instant connection nfor the next three months we saw each other seemlessly. I got an apparmtne with my best friend. He was over a lot. Then I moved out to live with him at his Mom's place. I loved spending time with him. We'd just talk and enjoy life. We got very close very fast. Looking back at this I belive this is where we went wrong. We didn't get to know each other. We didn't become friend. We went from lovers to "practically married" and when that happened (along with many other things) we started to see serious changes in our personality. After being together for three months we moved across the country to live with his brother. I don't know why I came. I had nothing back there for me really. I wanted to live and grow somewhere new. At first it was great. Not finanially but us. He hug out, we loved each other, explored. Then we moved and all things changed. He started to drift away from me. I could see that we were changing and not able to talk as much. I could see he had something on his mind but he never talked to me. Every once in a while he'd lose it and tell me I need to open up. I'm a pretty shy person. I am 3 years younger than him, which means I'm still learnig myself. Anyways this hurt me and I could see he was pushing to be more like who he was before. Acted his age. Drank, smoked, wanted to be in a band again. The more I saw this the more it scared me. The more I compensated by not smoking, not drinking, being overly agressive pressuring him to come down a peg or two. Ever since then ( about 2 years ago) we've had amazing and sad times. I always feel he wants to tell me things. And I know he can't tell me. He never tries. He only does when he's reached his breaking point. I try to shrug it off as him having a bad day. I know this isn't the truth. I know we need to let go and be ourselves again. We're too lost in what has become us that we're not happy anymore. I feel like I'm coasting. I just want him to be happy. I don't care what I do. I feel like I have nothig to offer him. Not ambitions, no conversation, no hobbies. I'm a sad puppy who doesn't want him to leave. I don't blame him for feeling not himself. I've stopped feeding our relationship. We only split up two days ago. When we decided that where we are now and who we are now isn't making us happy. I agreed. He agreed. We love each other but have lost sight. I've become a loner. A nag. He's become reclusive, feels he can't rely on me to be his friend. We're taking some time apart. We need to know if who we are now is who we've become as a result or if we just changed each other and are not ourselves. We want to make it work. We want to be friends. We just have to be stronger friends. I know I can't wait and hope he'll come back or I'll become that person who leans too much, needs to much. I've already made several changes. I'm buying my own car. Have a job interview at a great place (my job depresses me and doesn't help me in any way whatsoever). I'm finding out who I am again. I am picking up hobbies again. Talking and confiding in friends - which is a BIG issue I had before. By trying to hide my emotions I've been hiding myself and pretending. This has destroyed my soul. I just hope that by taking this time we can rekindle our friendship. But I need to remain just a friend to him now. We have the love and we have similar life goals and wishes. We just have to be able to connect and communicate. Without that, we don't have a chance of even being friends. I've been rereading my journal. I've found that I only wrote down things that I was unhappy with. I could see my changes and see how it was pushing him away. I'm changing back. Slowly. I just hope that he can find himself too. Among the mess I helped create.


Please comment. Ask me questions. Anything. Right now I need more than to dwell. I hope to be me again.

Any comments welcome. I'm sure I've left out a lot

[FullofSighs]

Well, I don't believe you two should be together again. It sounds like you two could never be yourself with each other to start. As if you were trying to hard to be mr. and mrs. perfect to even try to know each or anything. And i believe that getting back with him will just end up the same way. But as for being friends, that sounds like an ok idea, it will be very hard to be friends with him though for a few reasons.

1.) Just being friends, and nothing else will make things awkward.
2.) It will be hard to move on and find someone else if you two don't get back together.
3.) You'll always have a what if in the back of your mind, contradicting any future relationships you have.