My crazy life - need advice!

[JonnyJ]

Well, this is a post with several overlapping issues, so I’m not sure if I posted it in the right section. Moreover, I hope it makes sense!
And if you want to be abusive or “harsh”, don’t bother posting a reply, as this issue is extremely difficult for me to deal with, and I can honestly say I am giving it my best shot – constantly.
Anyway, outline to the problem is as follows:
1) Raised in religious cult where members are shunned by family and everyone they ever knew if they leave (as children are forbidden to socialize outside the cult, they never develop outside contacts).
2) Because of following the cults directives to the letter, was seriously messed up and very unhappy growing up. Became unable to support myself at times.
3) Decided to leave at the age of 21. Immediately was able to make enormous personal, and public improvements in my life despite huge obstacles.
4) Was very happy with my life in general for about 6 years. At that point I was half way through university, involved with a new girlfriend I met overseas, and back in Canada. I noticed how much better adjusted many of my peers, new friends, and girlfriend were by having their family there for them, at the very least wishing them well and encouraging them on in university. Most of my friends had additional support to this from their family, and had a strong identity, or “anchor”, that seemed to foster a lot of stability, power, and happiness. For example, my GF rushed back to her home town when her family was having some trouble, and they all pulled together. I felt so alone. The huge progress I had made so far seemed so “normal” for these people. I was exhausted.
5) Up until then I had kept very limited contact with my family, and instead concentrated on living a healthy life. When I did talk to them, it was brief, and I was always positive and polite and ignored any condemnation. But this time I had had it and got into a fight with my brother. I suddenly had all this old anxiety come back, and it was terrible.
6) That was 7 years ago. Since then, I have felt like things have been a lot harder to handle, getting out of my control. It was slow at first, but became more intense. It feels like some fundamental issues where not fixed, and because of that some new problems couldn’t be dealt with properly. And then the unresolved issues started to stack on each other, causing me to feel overwhelmed. I’ve had anxiety attacks at different stressful times. And I feel like I’m developing phobias of certain situations.
7) My take on these “stacking issues” are that they are critical to deal with if I am to be successful again. I feel they are as follows:
-The whole family/cult issue never got resolved.
-My current relationship. That overseas GF, well there were some issues early on that I felt needed to be resolved, but she was happy with things and didn’t feel that way. She basically refused going to joint relationship counseling. And there is a culture/language challenge. She’s Japanese, and tends to avoid direct discussions/conflicts on sensitive relationship topics, using a more indirect style I’m not comfortable with. Anyway, since then we have moved back to her country, and have been here for 5 years now, got married and have 2 new kids. I know it may not make sense, but even though I didn’t feel we had solved our earlier issues, I felt like I had to progress in the relationship as she has given me ultimatums and I couldn’t stand losing first my family and now her.
8) So now, I live here, feeling crushed by the challenges I don’t know how to get past. The original relationship issues were never solved, and they never really will be I’m afraid. Even if I can live with this, I’m afraid I will hate her for it. Add to this the language/culture barriers, and the fact that our business here is run by both of us. And the kids add more craziness to all this. Also, my father passed away last month, so I started freaking out that time is running out for my chance to try and get my mom, brother, and sister out of the cult. Originally I felt like I could join a new family to replace my old one. But I found my friend’s families, while nice, never opened to door totally to me. Marriage was my other way to join a family, but my wife’s family can’t speak English, and to be honest there’s a lot of stuff about living her for the rest of my life that scares me. Add to this my anxiety attacks, and I’m worried about being able to keep everything together. I wanted to see a counselor, but that kind of thing doesn’t exist where I live, and I think it’s a tossup whether I could get any new insights anyway. I've also started to drink a lot over the last couple of years to cope, which concerns me. It's an alcohol culture.
I’m wondering if the wrong turn I made was getting involved with this woman, and if I should make a fresh start, try to copy the things I was doing when I was making all that progress in my life before.
Ideas?

[shh!]

No, I don't think you will feel better if you cut out on your wife and kids. If your wife won't go to therapy (and let's face it - a lot of your issues sound like personal problems - not wife problems), you should seek therapy alone.

[JonnyJ]

Perhaps it was a mistake to come here.

[shh!]

Why would you say that? Were you hoping that someone would just agree that you should cut and run?

[Kromat]

Why would you say that? Were you hoping that someone would just agree that you should cut and run?

It's strange how when people give criticism about a situation, the OP doesn't like to hear what we say.
It always seems like it's never their fault too, and maybe it's both of theirs sometimes.

[JonnyJ]

No, I'm amazed how ignorance and arrogance pass as "advice".
-I told you counseling doesn't exist where I live. Please read my post before offering opinions.
-You have failed to ask for any clarifying information.
-You have no idea what her failings are. They could be anything from neglect to murder.
-You have no idea of my future ideas.

Yet you feel justified to hurl stones of condemnation at me, and make bombastic, baseless, silly claims about my life. A pure knee-jerk reaction. Do your snotty soundbites make you feel more secure? Food for thought. Is this some kind of Transference of your own issues onto others? Have you been neglectful in a past relationship and are hoping to exorcise your issues by painting others with your issues? How many others here have you hurt on this forum by such "advice"?

[alter_ego]

JonnyJ:
I believe that you are being unreasonable. Ssh! makes a good point.

If you leave your family, your kids will grow up without a father and I believe that it will come to haunt you later in life.

You live in a modern world, if there are no therapists where you live, you can always find one through the Internet, and have therapy sessions over the phone perhaps.

[shh!]

Give up the booze, Jonny. Your irrational outbursts will make you wife and kids hate you, and in the end, you will hate yourself, too.

I'm not even going to bother responding to the rest of post #6. It's rather obvious you haven't read your OWN original post.

[Henry123]

With the cult thing this might help abit.
Its good to talk to others whose been in similar situation.


[url]http://forum.rickross.com/[/url]


I would try to cut the drinking. Drinking culture or not it just makes things worst.
You dont need to add alcoholism to your situation.

[bluesummer]

First of all, lay off on the anger here. If you don't want people to get harsh with you, don't get harsh with them.

Secondly, you need to find treatment for your issues SOMEHOW.....how else do you propose to fix these issues you are having? Anxiety attacks and the psychological aftermath of being raised in a cult....these are not small things, and are a threat to your personal health and your family's. I understand the asian culture is not a very open one in terms of communication on either a personal or a business level....but I don't believe for a second that you can't find counselling in Japan at all....it could be worth it even if it's over the phone.

How are you going to copy the way you were doing things in life before, when you were making progress? You're at a different stage in your life now, so the things you were doing then may not be applicable now. You have to find new ways to make 'progress' in your life. I suggest trying to adopt a more optimistic approach. Instead of saying "Where did I go wrong?" ask yourself "How can I make the best best of this?" Give yourself something to work towards. Your children should be a blessing in your life, make sure you let them know that they are. Maybe you can't rebuild what you lost with your family, but you can make sure your children grow up in a secure home where they know they are loved and their best interests are being considered. Maybe at some point, you and your wife need to consider leaving Japan if you are unhappy there. As your wife, she should be willing to compromise for your happiness too.

What are these relationship issues that are still unresolved?