Ladies please read this and offer input!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[inpain]

I'm new to the forum and this is my first post. I know it's a long read but please, please take the time and help me out. Any advice is appreciated.

I'm 29 years old and my girlfriend is 27. We first met at our workplace. I live in California and she lives in Texas. The company we work for sent me to Texas as they were short staffed and that is where we met. We met in Sept 2009 and by January 2010 we were dating. The relationship was going great. I spent most of my time with her and would sleep over any chance I got. We took trips to LA (she is a lakers fan) and also to her native country to met her mom. The company decided it was time for me to leave and in Sept 2010 I left Georiga. We decided to continue the relationship long distance. By this time she had said she loved me and I had said it back. We both love each other dearly. During the long distance period we would send each other cards and texts and talk for hours. I would send her flowers for not apparent reason, just a "thinking of you." She flew out to see me a few times and I did the same. We would see each other at least a weekend a month. This went on for about 3 months. In Feb 2011 I was sent back to Georgia to work and I spent a total of about 4 months there. It was awesome as I would be in the same city as her and everything was great.

For the longest time before I initially left in 2010, she brought up the idea of me moving out to Georgia to be with her. I was not ready to committ to that due to several factors in my life at the time. I reassured her that I wanted to be with her but I just could not move to Georgia. I did ask her if she wanted to move to California and for several reasons she was hesitant to do so. We both agreed to continue the long distance relationship. Anyway, so in June 2011 I had to leave Georiga again because the company had met its goals. In July I flew her out to Las Vegas for her birthday. It was an awesome time. After Vegas, I took a trip to to visit my grandmother and spend time with her as I had been putting it off for 2 years and she was very supportive. During that time, we would skype and talk on the phone almost nightly. When it was time to come back instead of flying to California I flew out to Georgia to see her for a week. Again times were great and I enjoyed every minute. I would have stayed longer but due to a work related situation I had to come back to California. She again was understandable and supportive.

About 2 weeks ago she was sent to another office in Georgia. I wanted to surprise her by sending flowers to her hotel. I didn't know where she was staying as she had only been there for a day or two. She had mentioned the name of the hotel but not the address. So I remembered one time she had asked me to go into her email and print out her homework. I remembered her password so I went in to get the address for her hotel. I did not do it with the intention to snoop but I found an email where she was talking to some guy and exchanging pictures. The email was explicit to the point where she wanted him to visit and basically have sex. I was devastated when I read it. I have not been perfect either and I have hurt her in the past. I was with someone else but I regret it to this day and I have done everything in my power to regain her trust. I have done everything in my power to reassure her that she is the one for me and it was a mistake being with someone else, a one night stand type of thing. I also admitted to it without her finding out some other way. So I called her and confronted her, asked who the guy was. She told me she had met him at a bar and all they had done was kiss, but my the content in the email it made me wonder. She assured me she was not going to go through with her inviting him and she would never sleep with him. I told her if she had feelings for him as the emails had been going on for weeks, she said no.. But to me, with the emails going on for weeks made me thing there were feelings involved. She told me it wasn't the case. The day after we talked again and I asked her if she had talked to the guy to explain that she had a boyfriend and whatever they had going on had to stop. She told me she had not because he had not contacted her. This pissed me off since it would have been the first thing I thought she would do. We decided we needed to see each other so I went to see her. This was last week. During that time she told me that she had contacted the guy and explained things and there was no more contact between them. She never really gave me that reassurance that she wouldn't do it again and acted as if it was no big deal. During that time I told her I was ready to take the next step which was to move to Texas and be with her, mind you this is what she wanted all this time and now I was ready to take that step. I realized that I had to live my life and be happy because the other factors would always be there and I love her so much that I wanted to be with her in the same state. So the week when by and I came back to California. We texted daily and I reassured her I loved her and she told me she loved me. I sent her an arrangement last Wednesday and she told me she loved it. She said she showed it to her friends and was going to put it up on Facebook. I told her she didn't have to lie because I knew she wouldn't do it. We have been going out for about 2 years and only has 1 picture of me and it's just me standing there. She has more pictures of her friends than her boyfriend. When I told her this she got defensive and said she didn't want to talk anymore. Also, the guy she met is still her on her page as a friend. We hung up and that night she went out with her friends. She texted me when she got back just to let me know she was back. The following day she called me and we talked about our relationship. She told me she needed space. That night however she texted me. I responsed since I didn't want her to think I didn't want anything anymore. So last Saturday, she calls me and tells me that she needs a break. She said she needs time to figure things out. I just don't understand what made her change her mind so suddenly. I know she loves me and I love her. My fear is that she tasted freedom with that guy and wants to experience new things. She has told me there is no other guy in her life and her intention is not to break up with me but rather just clear her head and figure things out. She has had man-issues in the past, violent BFs, father not around. I don't know what to make of it. I find myself crying myself to sleep, wake up at 4am, can't sleep, can't function due to the thought of losing her. She texted me last night saying she misses me and hopes we can get trough this. I don't know what to do.

LADIES, is it possible that we can reconcile or is our relationship doomed? What should I do? I don't want to lose her. I'm fully committed to her and I see a future with her. She has told me time and time again that she sees a future with me as well.
I'm in pain and need some advice.

[searock]

Well you've made sure that she knows how much you love her and want to be with her, so I don't think there is much else you can do now, apart from patiently waiting.

[inpain]

Thank you searock. I appreciate your input and thanks for the kind words. It sucks because I really don't have any friends, more like acquaintances and I can't really talk to anyone about how I'm feeling.

[searock]

Hmm I'm sorry to hear that. Having someone to talk to and confide with surely helps lots in dealing with these sorts of things. Are you sure you don't have any close friends you can open up to? If you do but feel embarrassed to talk about "sentimental" issues, keep in mind that everybody deals with these sorts of problems sooner or later, and if they're your friends, they won't judge you or think you're weak or anything...

[inpain]

It's a pathetic to not have friends but that's the truth. I have confided in a family member but that's about it. It would be so much easier if I had a bunch of people who could keep me occupied. I find myself constantly thinking about her. She wanted a break but still makes attempts to contact me. I know she loves me and I love her. She said things were not the same as before. Could it be that she met someone else even though she tells me no? Or could it be the abandonment issue, fear that I'm committing now and if she commits that I may leave her in the future? This sucks!!!!!!!!

[Leona77]

Hi inpain, sorry to hear about you feeling bad...Unfortunately, I must say what you might suspect yourself. From what you are saying, she seems to have openly flirted with this guy and even invited him for sex...whether she did it is not the matter( although the fact that he is her fb friend might suggest she did)..The issue is why did she need the flirting to begin with? Obviously she lacked something in the relationship and she was getting it elswhere. I am not sure if that was conversation, sex or both, but it's a sign that your relationship is in trouble.
According to my opinion and the experience my friends and I have had, ''wanting a break'' is almost always a foreplay into breaking-up... Who wants a break from something good? I am not saying she is doing it on purpose, but something inside her does not feel right. She might still love you and miss you and all that, but there is a serious crack, if you ask me. And one of the reasons that she wants a break instead of a break-up is that she has guilty conscience of hurting you, and fear of being alone or not finding a next guy who would love her as much...Waiting patiently forever won't glue it back together. As I siad, try to be pro-active and think about yourself. She might need time, but what do YOU need? Focus on what you want and what's best for you. At the end, she might not be the one...You are young and may meet another girl who does not need to 'feel freedom' but wants to be with you. You sound like a very nice guy with genuine intentions and those are rare. Some girls will be very lucky to have you. You also sound like you are good friends with your girlfriends, which is why she is finding it difficult to admit it to you AND to herself that this story might be coming to an end...
This is just my point of view, not necessarily true...Hope it helps
Good luck and hang on...

[inpain]

Leona,

I keep holding out hope that she really just wants time off to figure things out and nothing else. She has told me that she did not ask for the break in order to break up with me. She has told me that she has to clear her head and that she is not looking to date or hook up with anyone else. As for the flirting she told me she liked the attention the guy gave her. Since this is a long distance relationship I'm not there physically with her every day but I did pay attention to her, sending flowers, cards for no reason, just saying that I was thinking of her. I have been thinking about the relationship and things she has done in the past, like not removing the guy from her FB. I know if it was the other way around I would remove any girl that had flirted or kiss me, because I care for my girl's feelings. I think also that when I confronted her about the guy she placed restrictions on what I could and could not see on her FB wall. I used to be able to see all her posts and now I can only see a week's worth of posts. Also, I know she used to update FB with pictures and anything she liked often but now I rarely see that.
I do care and love her so much. She texted me last night saying that she heard a song from when we first started going out and it made her cry then she said she was sorry for texting me. She told me many times she saw a future with me and yesterday she said she loved me but things were different than before. She decided about the break 2 days ago and it is so hard to contain from texting or calling her or looking at her FB. I having such a hard time with this and I truly hope she just needs to clear her thoughts.

[nerdy_guy]

Seems like the girl has got too much of an emotional baggage and she likes lugging them around. Hurting her by having someone else isn't helping to let her let go of her issues as well so that's a big problem. It's good though that you've tried your best to get her trust back. The problem is that not all scars heal right. For now, just let things play out. If what really happened with her and the guy bothers you, then its better you move on. Because one thing for sure, if that issue bothered you a lot and you got back with her AND you fought with her again, you'll be bringing that up and that would just end up in an even more messy state of things

[Leona77]

I think also that when I confronted her about the guy she placed restrictions on what I could and could not see on her FB wall. I used to be able to see all her posts and now I can only see a week's worth of posts. Also, I know she used to update FB with pictures and anything she liked often but now I rarely see that.

She obviously realized that it's dangerous for you to see what she posts and that you would be asking a lot of questions and having more doubts. To me, if you are in such a 'loving' relationship you have to be able to talk about things. instead, she is controlling what you can and cannot see...therefore-what you can & cannot ask her! I still think you are in denial, which is normal. I can sense in what you wrote that you have that gut feeling that something is wrong, but you are just too scared of the consequences to admit it to yourself. Denial is the first phase of getting over someone, then come anger, sadness,depression and finally reconciliation...these phases are often intertwined and you keep jumping from one to another...untill you finally let go...

She texted me last night saying that she heard a song from when we first started going out and it made her cry then she said she was sorry for texting me.

She is being nostalgic about the time she was in love and knows it's not the same anymore,so that made her sad and cry...She then realized that she might be giving you false hope and felt guilty so she apologized...She is struggling, I am not denying that, but the thing is when she finishes with the struggle...I think you will not be the wnner Sorry if I am to direct, but I just see things clearly....

She told me many times she saw a future with me and yesterday she said she loved me but things were different than before.

Obviously she is just sad that she can see a break-up in the future. It is not easy for her either and she might still love you, but not enough to be her boyfriend and not for much longer...She mkight occasionally tect you,call you,contact you but if she is not doing that to tell you to get married or to move in with her, then it's just probably habitual calls,i.e. she also misses you, even if she does not want a relationship with you. It's not easy to let go of something that was good for a long time...

I think it doesnt matter whether u text her or not. It's whether you can stop being hopeful or not.Try not calling her for at least 3 weeks and see what happens. I bet you that if you resist calling her, her calls will become less frequent until she eventually stops calling you altogether....

Good luck and keep positive. This might be for a good reason (even if it's not obvious now) because there is light around the corner. Try to stop obsessing and find something to do...Being on this forum helps. Just write anything you like and post it or delete it- it's one way of dealing with it

x

[inpain]

You're right and there was a time where I could talk to her about anything. Lately though, it seems like if I talk to her about something she has done she gets defensive about it. It all started with me going to her email and I guess she doesn't completely trust me after that. MY gut feeling tells me there is someone else. She would always leave her phone anywhere face up and now she keeps it close to her and always face down so I can't see who calls or texts her. It makes me think she is hiding something. I may just be overanalyzing things. One time she went through my phone and told me about it but I trust that she would not do it again and I still leave my phone anywhere, face up because I don't have anything to hide. I'm not flirting with girls and I know I won't get any texts from people that will hurt the relationship. I noticed little things like that. I guess this is the end but I just love her so much. If she could just tell me what is really going on, if it's her man-issues I can reassure her that I won't leave, if she is not in love with me as before I can make her fall in love with me again. If she doesn't want me to live with her I can still move to her state and find an apartment until she is ready. I will move heaven and earth for her because I love her so much. Just hope she realizes this before it's too late.

[Leona77]

I may just be overanalyzing things.

You have every right to analyze if that's how you feel...Nobody comes to this forum if they are in a happy relationship without any doubts and no need for analysis. Just try not to obsess about it...
I know it's easier said than done, but be assured that everyone, or almost EVERYONE has been through such an experience & maybe more then once...so, you are not alone. But, whatever happens with your girlfriend, be sure that eventually you will laugh at this conversation. You are in a abd place now and you need support, but love should be nice and enjoyable and it shouldn't make you feel bad for a very long time. Sure, there will be problems, but they must be solvable quickly and with conversation....At least that's what i think...

if it's her man-issues I can reassure her that I won't leave, if she is not in love with me as before I can make her fall in love with me again. If she doesn't want me to live with her I can still move to her state and find an apartment until she is ready. I will move heaven and earth for her because I love her so much.

And remember that sometimes there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU CAN DO to win a person back...Not everything is in your control/power and you are putting way to much weight on you by thinking it is. You must accept that she has a say,too..even if the outcome is not what you want it to be...And frankly,some things are better left alone than

move heaven and earth

...sometimes it's just not worth it..
What IS in your control, though, is the decision how you will go through this period...Be nice to yourself, do nice stuff that you like, see a movie you like, read a book, get a hobby...Try not to obsess and the bad period will be over before you know it

best
x

[inpain]

Leona,
I guess I'm just not ready to accept it. Granted it's only been 3 days and I keep holding out hope that with her job, being away from home and our relationship she really is just thinking about how big a commitment I'm making and by taking time she is just analyzing how it will be with me over there. This is my biggest hope because I trust her. We have always been open about our problems so I hope this is just for a few days. She has texted and called the last 3 days and I answer since we are not broken up. She has told me she has not broken up with me so I feel that if I don't answer she will think I'm moving on. You think that's the best way to handle the situation?

[Leona77]

You think that's the best way to handle the situation?

I am repeatedly telling you what's my view, but you repeatedly try to convince me that this is not how it is....No matter what I say, you will always find an excuse to trust what you want instead of what you see...

She has texted and called the last 3 days and I answer since we are not broken up. She has told me she has not broken up with me so I feel that if I don't answer she will think I'm moving on.

Again, i just think she is buying time! She wants to be 100% sure that you are not the one & needs time to get over the nostalgia, the guilty conscience and sadness because of the possibilty of you two breaking-up.
Confront her! Ask her why exactly does she need space and what she needs to clear her head from??? Sorry, she is not stating any realistic problem that she needs to think about. Clearing one's head is exactly what I said earlier!

having said all thet, it's you decision what to do...It's your life and if you are ready to wait for forever...then be my guest, but I see no future here,sorry... I wish I am wrong