Confessed about a lie, GF lost trust, attempting to rebuild.

[Troubsey]

Well slap me silly and call me grandpa. I got myself in a bit of a pickle with my girl. Get comfy, its a long read.

My girlfriend has periods of depressions and more then one trauma from a abusive past filled with lies, deception and attempted rape/murder. A close friend of hers promised to never hurt her, but then attempted to rape her, only to be spared by the sudden arrival of her father. The damage was done though: her mind now wants to stay dump anyone that proves capable of telling her a lie.

Alright, rewind to late summer last year. We only just started seeing eachother then and some how ended up talking about past relationships and sexual experience. From what she said it was clear she was very experienced and had lots of lovers, both male and female. And i told her i had 1 girlfriend with which i had sex 8 times.

The thing is: that was a lie, whoopsie. Its true i only ever had 1 girlfriend but i was actually still a virgin at age 24/25, but hearing about her sexual/romantic history kind of eeh, intimidated me i guess. The past 2/3 girls that found out i was still a virgin at that age responded with pity and 'shock'...i guess that made me want to avoid telling her in fear of the same reaction.
I guess i should have told her right away i was uncomfortable with the subject, lesson learned and from that moment on applied, we never discuss past sex history again.

I kept wanting to tell her the truth but wanted to wait and see how she might respond to that. Soon after telling the lie i found out she reacts extremely strong to any kind of lie. A few guys she used to be dating were instantly dumped over something equally bad to this, or even less.

So, i kept up the lie for about 9 months until i finally had the guts to confess to her. And owh boy, she was pissed alright.... saying she cant trust me anymore now that i have proven that i can lie to her. I was of course really sorry and explained to her i was too scared to tell her but finally did so anyway because i wanted to be 100% honest with her. And that i wouldnt do it again.

She was so upset she wanted me to leave her alone and give her time/space for about 2,5 weeks. In that time she said she wanted to remind herself why she loves me and why i can be trusted and that she was certain we would be alright. She didnt want to end up dumping me over this.

I found that an odd way to remind one self of those things but i gave her what she wanted and we only had casual contact during that time, although we did have fun and sex one night during this and we slept that night together.
The next day she was grumpy again though.
Then last wednesday she told me she was wrong and could not get back that feeling of trust in me anymore and felt that breaking up was the only option unless i knew another way.
I told her that maybe insted of going 2-3 weeks with minimal contact she should get 'right back in the saddle' and keep talking to me, trying to have fun and SEE why she loves and trusted me.

She was not sure that would work but thanked me for giving her another option. And so the past few days we have been 'reconstructing'.

Im not sure what to make of it all. Yeah i feel and should feel guilty for lying to her and considering her history its understandable that she is very dissapointed and struggling a bit. But this is overkill. But telling any woman who is upset at you that she's overreacting is eeeh suicide.

Last night for the first time we were kissing, cuddling and laughing again and i could tell she was making a real attempt to get past it all. We also didnt mention or bring up the whole lying thing.

At the end of the night, when we went to bed, i asked her "we are going to be stable and fine right ?". She replied with "I hope so". I showed her some confidence and smiled while saying: "I am quite certain of it". She gave a little smile back and replied with "Good".

I find it interesting that at after the initial shock she was the one that was optimistic that all would be well and i was the 'i hope so' one. Now the roles seem reversed. Im very confident we can pull through and perhaps even be stronger for it. (maybe a bit TOO optimistic there) As long as she can learn to leave it be and stop worrying. And i can keep proving i can be trusted.

Any tips on how to keep on rebuilding trust? How to prove that im a honest person? Best to never bring it up again and remaining positive? As much as i hate how this turned out, i love her to bits and we make each other very happy.

[Troubsey]

Well sheez, she was grumpy again today and i wanted to sit down and go through it with her step by step but after a good start of talking about it she said she didnt want to anymore and went home.



Obviously still upset with me.



Patience level currently reaching a very low point.

[little pingoin]

Has she seen an therapist about the attempted rape?

Everyone lies. You were embarrassed and afraid of her reaction. The lie was an understandable one. You shouldn't have lied because the person that is going to love you and stand by your side is going to accept you for who you are, but you weren't deceiving her with malicious intent. She has to learn the difference.

[Troubsey]

Has she seen an therapist about the attempted rape?

Everyone lies. You were embarrassed and afraid of her reaction. The lie was an understandable one. You shouldn't have lied because the person that is going to love you and stand by your side is going to accept you for who you are, but you weren't deceiving her with malicious intent. She has to learn the difference.

Indeed i agree, next time we talk im going to try to make it make her understand the difference. And she is seeing a therapist yes.

From what little we talked about tonight, it seems that the motive for not telling me every day between the day i lied until 3 weeks ago when i confessed means the most to her.


My motives for not telling her changed over the past 8 months.



1.When i told the lie she was with someone else, my chance of having her as more then a good (internet) friend was 0 i thought.

I told the lie initially because i felt bad after having to give up the chase. Her talk about how many relationships / sex she had made me feel jealous and i told the lie in an attempt to feel better. (self denial i guess)

2.When she broke up with this guy she was shattered by him dissapointing her. She hurt herself bad and needed stitches in her arm. I helped her through it and we got close and started seeing eachother in the real world. Thats when our relationship started kicking off.

My motive for keeping silent were pretty much the same as in 'stage 1'. One added motive was her reaction when her ex dissapointed her. I wanted to avoid anything similiar and wait till she was more stable.

Around this time however i also realised i should tell her the truth, but was hesitant since everything was so fragile, and i still wasnt really sure if she didnt just think i was a loser for being a 25 year old virgin. I also felt guilty about lying and sometimes wanted to not think about it. Maybe not wanting to admit to myself more then confront her.

3. A few weeks in our relationship she said how much she hates lies more then anything in the world. Perhaps even worse then cheating. Some new motives were added...

Well, hearing how she instantly broke up relationships at the moment she found out someone lied to her made it harder to summon the courage. It turns out she kept reminding me how much she hates lies in an attempt to give me a way out should there be anything i was hiding. However, it certainly didnt come across that way and it had the opposite effect on me. I wanted to be 100% honest to her and confess. And i made the decision i would tell her one day when i felt it was right. At that moment she was already struggling with some trust issues so i thought that would increase the chance of a backfire. I still also felt insecure about the lack of sexual / romantic experiences i had compared to her.

Sadly, the fear of her being very hurt and the fear of being dumped often outweight my wish to confess by a small bit. I had quite a few sleepless nights over this.

4. After a long period of high stress she started summer holiday and had time to relax and was alot more relaxed.

It was at this time i felt that our relationship was stable enough and that her general trust issues were down enough for me to tell her. At this point im no longer insecure about the lack of sexual experience compared to her. So my need to be honest with her won and the courage to tell her finally won out and i told her the truth while being terrified that she would just tell me "you're dumped" and kick me out of her life.



The linchpinch seems to be the fact she is hung up on the fact that every day i could have told her, but didnt because i was afraid of loosing her, made her feel as though i put my need to be with her above the need to be in a 100% honest relationship.

[Lipp]

It does sound as if she has issues - it wouldn't be a surprise if, say, you lied and had actually slept with a dozen girls, or kissed a girl while you guys were together, or something - but really, that was a tiny lie at the spur of the moment.

[Gigabitch]

You looked her in the eyes and lied, every day, for about a year. You're not going to undo that with one conversation. It's going to take many, and yes, sometimes she won't be up for it and she'll just go home.

Right now, you have to decide if it's worth it. It's going to be a royal pain in the ass. Is she worth it?

[elz]

i think what you did was ok.. you're too shy to accept that you are a virgin (ego of a man)..unlike her that so many have experienced about sex. what you did was "white lie"...maybe she was upset about some bad past relationship but moving on with it was another story. make her feel that you are not the kind of guy that will do the same things to her.

[Raze]

Actually, I don't know why that is such a big deal, but you should have told her the truth and you know that. Tell her that you feared getting rejected by her and you wanted to be perfect for her.

[Troubsey]

Actually, I don't know why that is such a big deal, but you should have told her the truth and you know that. Tell her that you feared getting rejected by her and you wanted to be perfect for her.

She would be upset that i lied because of a selfish reason. And she would rebuke me by saying she would want me to be honest about myself insted of perfect for her.

I told her the truth: that my insecurity and jealousy at her experience were the causes for me lying. And that after we started hitting it off i was afraid of dissapointing her, hurting her and losing her if i told her.

I have a huge detailed explanation earlier today. She didnt say much about it and said she couldnt think about it at the moment. So hopefully it will slowly sink in that i wasnt just being selfish, i also didnt want her to be hurt. I could have kept my mouth shut and she would never have found out or gotten hurt, but i finally let my need to be honest with her make me tell her. Ill reminded her of that and ill see if that sinks in.

She's likely to hold a grudge against me for some time to come. I give her plenty of chances to let it all out and talk about it but she seems more inclined to be grumpy for some time to come.

Ill see where this road leads. Ill be nice and patient and see if she recovers.

[Raze]

Ill see where this road leads. Ill be nice and patient and see if she recovers.

Sounds good to me. Good luck!

[Troubsey]

You looked her in the eyes and lied, every day, for about a year. You're not going to undo that with one conversation. It's going to take many, and yes, sometimes she won't be up for it and she'll just go home.

Right now, you have to decide if it's worth it. It's going to be a royal pain in the ass. Is she worth it?

She's worth it. And yes, i do infact understand her dissapointment and hurt. One of the reasons why i was so afraid of telling her. I never wanted her to get hurt because of my insecurities. If i at the time of the lie had known i stood a chance of being more then just friends with her i would not have lied. Same counts if i knew back then how much (even 'white') lies hurt her. But, hindsight is 20/20. I made my choices, wrong ones, and i gotta live with em.

(My insecurities are fortunately gone or fading now. Im making good progress in gaining more self confidence. )

She seems to be veeeeeery slowly improving. And veeery slowly opening up again and showing more active affection and attention. The past weeks i think there has been a battle going on between her mind and heart, so to speak.

Her mind (damaged by attempted rape/murder) triggers a defense mechanism saying "Lies = Your life in danger","Troubsey lied, so Troubsey is gonna kill you." Very bluntly speaking of course.

Her heart, who wants to overcome this reaction is saying: "Noooo! Im can't let him go! I can trust him again, he is not like the others!". She always did say she sees me as someone she could actually see herself marry and have kids with. A 'soul mate' if you wish to use that term.

One day the heart won, the other the mind, which would explain why she seemed trusting one day and not wanting to talk to me the other.
Since this weekend how ever, she says she is unable to think about it. When she does she draws a blank. Maybe a case of "Unstoppable Force meeting Immovable Object" ?

Her actions speak more then words though. As tonight we had sex again and, not going into details, lets just say what we did required alot of trust from her.

The signs atm seem to point at a slow but steady recovery of trust and affection. I hope it keeps going the right way.

EDIT: I do wonder if i should keep looking for affection/attention from her or keep back and let her 'miss it' and come out on her own. Thoughts?

[Gigabitch]

I think if you let her "miss" it right now, you'll lose her. She needs stability and reliability, not mystery. Don't do anything sketchy right now.

[Troubsey]

I think if you let her "miss" it right now, you'll lose her. She needs stability and reliability, not mystery. Don't do anything sketchy right now.

I see, good point. Ill just be my 'charming loving' self then without appearing clingy.

Being clingy would probably keep reminding her she has a reason to be upset with me, and make me look pathetic in her eyes.

I hope this works. thank you

[Raze]

Nononononono. Lose contact with her for a while if you can. Get a hobby. Give your all to that hobby. Forget about her for a while.

[Troubsey]

Nononononono. Lose contact with her for a while if you can. Get a hobby. Give your all to that hobby. Forget about her for a while.

Could you perhaps elaborate on what the effect of that on her and our relationship would be?