He loves me but doesnt want to be with me...

[bonaj003]

Yesterday my long term boyfriend (4 years) ended it. He said he still loves me but cant be with my anymore. We had been fighting previously....but not over things to do with our relationship...but things to do with other people i.e a friendship he had with a female co -worker (she was very touchy feely, i didnt like it, she didnt like me, he got invited to her 18th birthday and i didnt...he went...and i wasnt happy etc). He had his 21st party 2 weeks ago...things were going really well...had an awesome night...until we went out to a club after his party..i was off dancing with the girls..he was with his mates...i went over to see him and I find a girl with her hand on his chest. I freaked out..at him. I through a glass of water on him. I massively over reacted and regret all my actions. I guess everything caught up on me in that moment...all the fights over this other girl and everything. Things were rough the day after his party...understandably. I had booked a holiday for his 21st...to be leaving 2 days after his party so wasnt sure what to do. He came over..ready to end it. I knew he was confused and upset about what I did...after finally us both sitting down and talking...we decided to still go on the holiday. The holiday was awesome...everything was perfect..we spoke about what had happen and I realized I needed to change the way I handled somethings and learn to accept this friendship with the other girl..and he needed to understand how I was feeling to. So after the holiday..things were going well...we were having lots of fun, talking a bit more. Wednesday I didnt hear from him all day, but I rang him in the arvo and he came up for tea. I could tell he wasnt himself but sometimes he gets moody. We had a few drinks, watched some movies and he stayed the night....things seemed fine. The next day (Thursday..yesterday), I didnt hear from him at all...so I rang him again and asked if I could come see him. I did...asked if all was ok, didnt seem himself, seemed distant from me..he said all was fine..and then I said well that ok then, was just worried about him..then he said 'so we'll just brush it under the rug and we'll be happy', i said 'yeh well if your ok then that all ok i guess'. He didnt say anything for a while ...so I asked if he still loves me..he said yes...then I said is this relationship what he wants...after a long pause he said no...its not. He said its not making him happy but he still loves me. He wants to have contact and still see me. Im so confused. It was so hard walking away...I just want him to come back. I no he is confused aswell. What do I do?

[Gigabitch]

Wow.

Okay, so you think your fight about this other girl wasn't about your relationship? Think again. It was. It was about the fact that your boyfriend thinks it's okay to go to a party that you were expressly not invited to.

Regardless of how he behaved at the party, just going in the first place wasn't respectful of your relationship. Sure, you over reacted, but that doesn't negate the fact that he shouldn't have gone in the first place.

My guess is that he'll be with that other girl, his "friend" before tomorrow.

[bonaj003]

She has a boyfriend though...sorry forgot to put that in!

[steelsword]

Yesterday my long term boyfriend (4 years) ended it. He said he still loves me but cant be with my anymore. We had been fighting previously....but not over things to do with our relationship...but things to do with other people i.e a friendship he had with a female co -worker (she was very touchy feely, i didnt like it, she didnt like me, he got invited to her 18th birthday and i didnt...he went...and i wasnt happy etc). He had his 21st party 2 weeks ago...things were going really well...had an awesome night...until we went out to a club after his party..i was off dancing with the girls..he was with his mates...i went over to see him and I find a girl with her hand on his chest. I freaked out..at him. I through a glass of water on him. I massively over reacted and regret all my actions. I guess everything caught up on me in that moment...all the fights over this other girl and everything. Things were rough the day after his party...understandably. I had booked a holiday for his 21st...to be leaving 2 days after his party so wasnt sure what to do. He came over..ready to end it. I knew he was confused and upset about what I did...after finally us both sitting down and talking...we decided to still go on the holiday. The holiday was awesome...everything was perfect..we spoke about what had happen and I realized I needed to change the way I handled somethings and learn to accept this friendship with the other girl..and he needed to understand how I was feeling to. So after the holiday..things were going well...we were having lots of fun, talking a bit more. Wednesday I didnt hear from him all day, but I rang him in the arvo and he came up for tea. I could tell he wasnt himself but sometimes he gets moody. We had a few drinks, watched some movies and he stayed the night....things seemed fine. The next day (Thursday..yesterday), I didnt hear from him at all...so I rang him again and asked if I could come see him. I did...asked if all was ok, didnt seem himself, seemed distant from me..he said all was fine..and then I said well that ok then, was just worried about him..then he said 'so we'll just brush it under the rug and we'll be happy', i said 'yeh well if your ok then that all ok i guess'. He didnt say anything for a while ...so I asked if he still loves me..he said yes...then I said is this relationship what he wants...after a long pause he said no...its not. He said its not making him happy but he still loves me. He wants to have contact and still see me. Im so confused. It was so hard walking away...I just want him to come back. I no he is confused aswell. What do I do? Im awfuly worried about him at the moment because he keeps thing bottles up and doesnt talk...do i give him time? he said he wants to stay in contact, see how im going etc and stay friends because ive been such a huge part of his life

You give him space. If it's meant to be, he will come back to you, if not, he won't. Sounds like he might be more into this other chick than you, unfortunately for you. But there are guys who don't do that, so work on finding one of them.

[Lipp]

..then he said 'so we'll just brush it under the rug and we'll be happy',

I don't think that a "yes" is the kind of response you want to this question. It implies that the issue is still there, but swept away and then brews under the surface rather than being properly dealt with.

There's probably more to it, but both of you seem to be unclear about what you want.

[bonaj003]

This other girl has a boyfriend...i asked him if there was anyone else and he said no..there never has been. I believe and trust he woudlnt like to be about that. Thank you, i feel i need to give him time. What bugs me is that he came to my house all fine only the night before...and we were on our way to being ok after spending a holiday together and talking about everythin

[steelsword]

Well my guess would be there is something going on that he's not telling you. What that is, I don't know. Your only 2 options really are to either give him space/time, or be direct and confront about what's going on.

[bonaj003]

Thanks. Last night on Facebook his mate was talking to me , asking how i was going and i was asking how my ex was. He gave me a huge insight into my ex...he is a very secretive guy, very withdrawn with his feelings. He told me that about a year ago, at girl who he worked with tried to 'get in his pants', nothing happened. The girl i spoke about in my original story, apparently told me ex to back off a bit because he was talking to her too much, and she told him to be loyal. His friend told me that he is going through a stage that he wants some singledom...(we were only 15 and 16 when we started seeing each other). He wanted to be adventurous in the bedroom (3 somes etc), and I was never too keen. I feel that this may be part of the reason aswell. I had thought of this, and had realized that I also had to work to make the relationship happen. His friend was very brutle and told me at time I needed to relax about things (which I had already realized and had decided to just be more chilled and trusting), but he also said that my ex needed to be more honest about things aswell. His friend is in a long term relationship if 7 years, also starteing when they were 15. This gave me a huge insight, realising my ex still does love, but maybe just freaked out....he is getting older and maybe wanted to 'experience' other people. His friend and my ex are catching up tonight, and the friend is going to have a real good chat to him about relationships, and being single. Can you believe his friend even told me that he always wonders what it would be like to be single, but would never hurt his girlfriend because he loves her. Any opinions?

[Naples]

Hey girl! Thanks for commenting on my problem. Yes, yours is very similar to mine! We were both dating jerks!! haha ...well, his behavior with the birthday party was certainly disrespectful and inappropriate--but moreover, it was disloyal to you! Not that he cheated, but loyalty in terms of--attending an even that you were shut out of. There's an issue of personal loyalty, not romantic necessarily (although perhaps that too!) Also, my ex said the same thing--he wasn't happy in the relationship. It seems that your guy was also trying to avoid telling you... everyone dreads breaking up with someone I suppose.

It's so hard...but we have to keep in mind that we can--and WILL--do better. One day....


Best of luck dear!

[Naples]

I wouldn't trust the "friend" who says that YOU should be more trusting--meanwhile, your ex apparently tried to cheat on you with this chick! I think my ex was being unfaithful too, even if just emotionally (since the girl had moved 2000 miles away.)

Regardless, do NOT discuss your own feelings with the "friend" too much. This may backfire on you, as he is not YOUR friend, he is your ex's. And that is potentially dangerous territory! Be careful :-)

[bonaj003]

He didnt try to cheat on me...the girl wanted to get in his pants...he didnt. I didnt say much about my feelings, it was interesting hearing his point of view because my ex tells him alot. some things hurt...but it has made me understand some things aswell. I no his friend and his girlfried...but r are right in that it may backfire. He was happy to talk to me, I didnt tell him any specifics of why the break up....ie any of the stuff in my first post. If anything, I wasnt asking many questions...we were actually talking alot about his relationship with his GF, and I could see how it related to mine..and the differences. I think my ex hasnt grown up yet...he was still stuck in the school yard boyfriend/girlfriend thing...made evident my his secrecy.

[Tug]

Sounds like he's needs some time to himself but after reading your post's and everything thats happened I wouldn't expect a positive outcome but when it comes to affairs of the heart one can never tell.

Best of luck

[padlock]

Sounds to me like the guy is in the process of hooking with this chick.

It's a safe bet that her b/f wasn't invited to the party, either.

If that's the way he's going to act, then it sounds like he's doing you a favor.