Devastated! Help?

[Conflicted]

Hi everyone,

I wouldn’t usually post on these boards but I am desperate for some outsider advice.

My b/f and I were together just under 2 years. It was the best relationship either of us had ever had but he had always been antsy about commitment. We both decided to give it our best shot and it’s been beautiful.

Last week, I asked him if we had a future. He could not answer me and when we got together to discuss it yesterday, he told me that although he loved me very much, he just didn’t feel the same way about me that I did about him. Frankly put, he just didn’t love me enough. I told him I wasn’t asking him to quantify it but he said that although nothing was missing, it just felt like his feelings for me were strong but not strong enough.

Devastated isn’t the word. I literally don’t know how to move on because I just don’t want to be with anyone else. I’ve tried asking him whether we could give it a last chance and that I am not asking him to provide me with certainty regarding his feelings but he’s said it’s better this way. Neither of us want to break up and because we were both so happy, it doesn’t feel like I’ll get closure.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone been in his position/ If I could just understand why/how/ what he means when he says he just doesn’t love me enough or provide some tangible quality as to why we couldn’t continue in the way we were, I could try to get over him.

Thanks so much.

[vashti]

If you are over 25 and marriage is your goal, then to continue on with him would be a waste of time. Also, "closure" implies you expect some level of satisfaction in the end, and you won't get it. It is painful when our deep feelings aren't reciprocated.

Just accept things are over and move on.

[lhn]

Hi Conflicted,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm a little over 2 month's into my breakup, so I can relate.
Firstly, I would never advise someone to give up hope although I would definately warn them about the pitfalls. Midway through my last relationship I found myself in the situation where I doubted my love for her, but it came back with a vengeance within a couple of weeks... it may do for him too.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can do which will initiate this. It either will or it wont, thats the killer! You have to take a backseat and wait.

If it doesn't happen then please understand that no matter how bad the situation seems, it will get better. I spent weeks & weeks crying about my split. 2 month's on and its still not great but things like these forums help.

[wizduels]

human nature is that people want what they don't have or think they don't have. those things we do have we tend to take for granted. this applies to both men and women. the quick answer is that you don't call your boyfriend for 2 to 3 days, don't respond to text messages, don't take his calls, and then after 2 or 3 days let him know that you still have feelings for him but are going to date other guys while you continue to see him.

you can see other guys and hang out as just friends if you like, let your boyfriend make all the worst assumptions. a couple of things will happen:

1. you will meet a really cool guy that is really into you and treats you better than your boyfriend does. (thumbs up)

2. your boyfriend starts to experience fear of loss and begins to treat you better. (thumbs up).

3. you expand your social circle and you will feel better about yourself as more people pay attention to you. (thumbs up)

you need to take action to re-frame your relationship. you are not lucky to have him, he is lucky to have you. you are the prize and he must work for your affections. if he won't then there are lots of guys out there that will, and your boyfriend just loses out.

[lhn]

Wizduels put it very well. (thumbs up)

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, alot of guys are pretty hard headed and they just need some prodding. I had some issues of my own while we are dating and she tried for months to get that love back that she thought she lost (which she didn't, I kind of needed some space to figure out how I felt). She called, texted, cried, begged, and it just pushed me farther away. After all that, when she got back to school with all her best friends, she dumped me and just let out all this anger she harbored for me over the months. And of course when she dumps me is when I wanted to work on things.

So if this guy and what you have is important to you, give yourself some space and meet new people like they suggested above. You may meet somebody better, or rekindle what you guys had before. As hard as it is, it's for the best.