No feelings or emotions

[Indestructible]

Looking back, I've come to realize that I am not very good in dealing with very painful (this is all emotional, I mean, not physical) feelings. Not that I actually do anything in response, but when I'm "hurting", I just can't ever really move past it and stop feeling the pain. The only solution I've been able to find is to shut down all feelings and emotions completely. I basically become a "ghost", just aimlessly floating through life, caring about nothing.

The first time I majorly "shut down" was back in 2004 or 2005, after a very painful experience, and it wasn't until 2008 that something snapped me out of it and made me start "feeling" again. But, that only lasted a few months, and the pain of losing it caused me to shut down again. Last summer, once again, something snapped me out of it, and I once again started "feeling". It was really nice. But, just like last time, it led to a very painful experience; I've been hurting over this experience for about eight months, now, and I'm starting to shut down all over again.

I mean, I still have some lingering pain, but for the most part, I just don't really feel anything anymore, and I don't really "care" about anything, not even myself. I feel like EVERYTHING I do, I'm just going through the motions, like I'm doing stuff, but not really caring, my heart just isn't into anything. I try to indulge in hobbies, I try to read a good book, watch a show or movie, heck, anything to entertain myself, and I'm just not really "into" anything, I don't feel like doing anything, and nothing stirs up any kind of feeling or emotion in me.

I do know that I'm not too keen on being this way. Last summer, I really thought things were going to be different, I was really able to visualize a happier life for myself, and I didn't want to ever "shut down" again, but here I am, about eight months later, and once again, I'm shutting down, losing my feelings and emotions. And all I can wonder is, how many years is it going to take to come out of it this time? How do I know I won't just shut down again and go more years being this way? What if nothing ever snaps me out of it again?

[basilandthyme]

Get some professional help. Shutting down for years on end isn't normal or healthy.

I remember a friend who used to get so down that he couldn't bring himself out of it for quite some time....turns out there was something actually wrong which the psychiatrist could help him with.

[HeartIsAching]

I did it for about 8 years. I knew something was wrong, but didn't know what. Then something happened and I realized that what I'd done was choose not to feel anything over feeling "that".

BnT's right, get some professional help.

[Indestructible]

I've always been very skeptical about "professional help". I dunno, I just don't really see how talking about it with a professional would really help me. I have a lot of doubts about it, and I feel like going into it with that attitude would be self-sabotaging (i.e., I don't believe it will help me, and so it won't).

Still, it's in the back of my mind. I've Googled "therapist" and my city, and it seems like all the local ones are, like, 30-40 minute drives from me. Seems like a lot of extra effort for something I'm probably going to have to pay big bucks for, as well as something I'm skeptical and doubtful about to begin with. Unless there's a better way to find professional help than just typing "therapist <city>" into Google.

[HeartIsAching]

So you don't want to, and you're making excuses. Ok.

[Indestructible]

So you don't want to, and you're making excuses. Ok.

Eh, well. If that's how you want to interpret it... Like I said, I just don't really believe in the idea of it, and I have a hard time convincing myself to invest money and energy into something that I don't believe will benefit me at all.

[HeartIsAching]

Worked for me. Immensely.

Seriously - I'm a new man.