some deep, intense love/care issues and expectations with GF

[station21]

Hello everyone, this is my first post and be warned, its pretty long and potentially boring

I'm a 27 yr old male, having some very intense issues with my current gf of about 8 months.

We have a great, passionate, very loving relationship, except that once in a while, we get into huge fights that almost always end up almost at the brink of break-up, or actually end up as a break-up.

The reason that these fights start is usually because, although normally I am always attuned to her feelings and needs and wants, there are rare occasions when I actually become disappointed or upset about something involving her. These moments are not frequent at all.. they are very rare.. normally I overlook, or just don't notice anything she does that should perhaps annoy me but don't. My style of loving her is really, unconditional loving and caring. But during these rare occasions when I do get disappointed or upset, they are quite serious matters to me.

This is the problem.. every time one of these occasions surface, she acts as she always does, putting her concerns and feelings first. This is normally OK with me, as I love to love her and dote on her, but during these rare moments of intense feelings when I am actually upset about something, I expect my girl to yield priority to MY feelings for once. The problem, however, which later ends up turning into a catastrophe, is that she can NEVER do this.. not once, on those rare occasions that occur maybe once every couple of months, can she show that she acknowledges my feelings or is willing to cater to my particular emotional needs.. it is something that can be very easily solved if she would just show support and attention to what's bothering me, as I always do to her, and we'd be able to move on, but instead, she gets quarrelsome and actually starts fighting with me because she doesn't like the way I'm behaving or talking to her!

Unfortunately, this type of behavior during the one moment when I am actually disappointed or upset about something while I overlook most other minor blunders on other occasions.. is intensely disappointing to me, and I start to feel betrayed out of the belief that her love and caring for me is not unconditional and real as mine is for her.. I end up feeling very offended, and utterly disappointed. And when I feel that the core principle of our relationship - unconditional and real love and caring - has been broken, I feel extreme disappointment and lose hope in her as a lover, and in the relationship, and these relationships always end up with us bickering because she gets combative about it, and ultimately, I declare a breakup.

I would appreciate any general comments on this particular situation, as we've broken up by a similar pattern for the third time during our 8 months and I am currently trying to assess our relationship while trying to get back with her because I love her and don't want to lose her.

[steviej]

What you've said to us here, you need to sit down and calmly talk to her about. Explain what the problem is in a non confrontational way and see what her reply is.
She could well be a selfish, self centred person who just isn't as into you as you'd hoped. Don't be a doormat, as it does sound like you cater for her every whim and don't stand your ground.

[station21]

thank you for your honest comments, steviej

that is the big question right now, whether she really is a selfish, self-centered person or not. Because usually, on ordinary days, she is loving and caring. But when it matters, when it's time to really put her principles to the test (not that I do this intentionally but these instances occur naturally throughout the course of time), that's when I feel that she has broken a principle at the most important, testing moment.

I want to make sure of this, though, because perhaps she is acting like this because she just doesn't know, or from a "difference in personalities" as she puts it. But to me, these acts are universal and any decent-minded person would act a certain way in a certain situation. I don't want to leave her, but as you said, if it is really the case that she is just a selfish, self-centered person, I will just have to leave her, as much as I'd hate to.