Extremely Difficult Situation

[Unsure486]

Hello everyone. I'm new to this forum, so let's see how this goes.

I'm a 20 year old male and have been in a relationship for two years and three months. The relationship has had its bumps here and there, only they've been getting a lot worse lately. A lot worse.

I still live with my mother and sister temporarily until I can financially support myself. (My job barely gives me any hours, so I'm looking for a second.) About a year ago I had my girlfriend move in with us and give her her own bedroom. I did this because her mother is a real disgrace of a human being. I'm not going into detail, but she basically only cares about herself, etc. A real nasty person. I also thought this was a good idea for our relationship. I thought, "Hey, maybe we're ready to actually move in together." Boy was I wrong. As we've lived together, we've started to fight quite a lot. A lot of little things also tick me off about her. Not major things, and I can deal with them, but the annoyance is starting to build up on me. I'm not saying she's a bad girlfriend, because she's really not. The thing is, I wasn't prepared to wake up every day and see her until I go to bed. I've become extremely uncomfortable with the whole situation.

One thing that ticks me off about her is that she's almost 20 and has still yet to have a job. Not one. She's supported by money given to her by her grandmother. I was fine with this at first, but when I work and bust my ass, just to see her being given money for no good reason, it bothers me. At the same time, she's going to college. Which is great! I'm really glad that she's actually doing something, because that's about it. She does nothing else. She sits in her bedroom on the computer all day and that's that. I'm going to be completely honest and say that I've fallen out of love with her. Another bad thing is that her grandmother sends my mother $500 every month for financial support of her staying with us. Which, even I'll admit has helped us tremendously. HOWEVER, I'm not going to stay in a relationship with someone just because of financial aid. No, no! That's severely wrong.

Now then. Under normal circumstances, I would just break up with her and stop leading her on. No reason to continue a one-sided relationship. That's just wrong. However, she has her college schedule matched to the bus schedule of where I live. This is bad, because I can't send her back to her mother's (the bus schedule there is almost non-existant) and her dad lives two hours away. Hopefully you guys can see why this situation is difficult now. Either I stay miserable and she goes to college to build a future, or I kick her out, be happy, and destroy her potential future. I shouldn't be in this position. I took her in with good will and it's come back to bite me in the behind.

Here's where it gets even stickier. I've recently started to hang out with two friends from work. Well, the one isn't a friend from work, but has a relation to another worker. We've all become really close friends. Maybe too close... The one girl and I hang out a lot. A lot a lot. Mind you, she has a boyfriend and everything, so there were no intentions of anything beyond friendship. Not to mention that would be wrong on my end as well. Here's the thing. She has a lot of fights with her boyfriend, almost every day. And so she comes to me for comfort and emotional support. I was fine with this at first, but things have started to develop. I will fully admit that I've formed feelings for her. They're slowly getting worse, too. I know she's attracted to me as well, as she's brought it up before and it's also blatantly obvious. Our other friend thinks that we'd be a perfect couple. We share so many interests and our personalities are so similar that it's eerie. I really want to be with her, but I'm not the type of guy to cheat. I won't do it. Not to mention I'm not going to encourage her to break up with her boyfriend. I simply won't do it.

So, I'm stuck now. My girlfriend returns home from Christmas on the 27th and I seriously just want to end it then. If I do, I'll tell her that she can stay with us until she figures something out. I'm not going to kick her out. I can't do it. The other girl thing is irrelevant at this point unless something happens between her and her boyfriend. I would never push the issue. Yet all of this makes me feel like a bad person when I know I'm really not. What should I do? My friends are saying that the best bet is to break up with her, but let her stay until said change. They agreed that it was a good idea and the most friendly. But what should I really do?

Like I said before, I'm not a cheater and I don't want to hurt someone. At the same time, I'm in love with someone else. Help please.

[vashti]

You are developing feelings for another girl because you are sick of your girlfriend, and probably not because she is so fantastic. She represents freedom, which is what you want. Playing house with a girl at your age is too much responsibility to have saddled yourself with.

Your girlfriend is renting a room from your granny. Just because you break up doesn't mean she HAS to move... that can be HER choice, and I don't think you have any right to judge her for not working while she is a student, assuming she is going full time. That is between her and her family (or whomever pays for her education.)

And yes, you ARE going to hurt someone. No one gets through unscathed.

[Unsure486]

I'm sure it would be awkward if I broke up with her and she would still be on the other side of my wall though. Also, I'm not judging her because she hasn't worked due to college. She doesn't start college until early next month. So until then, she has literally sat around and done nothing. She put an application in once because I asked her to, and that was it.

[Fruitsss]

I think u took her in more cause she was your gf and u wanted to kind of live togheter that way.

And i also think u should respect other peoples relationship.
Not cause yours is going bad u have to seek for excuses to go mess in
other peoples relationship.
If your co workers relationship is going bad its not your business.
Let her handle hers in her way.

And i think u all r too young to talk like u are adults that know what u r doing.
Cause i think you all still childish.

I think u need to tell your gf soon what u think and feel and give her enough time
too find a room to rent somewhere else.
And in the meanwhile dont bring other girls around.
Cause u live with her so she have less space to adjust to the situation
and to heal from u without seeing u.

And next time dont try to do things that u dont know about.

[Fruitsss]

And u cant force her to move out. U can tell her what u think and feel.
The owner of the house can tell her to move out and give her enough time to
move out. Cause i guess this all will come as a suprise so as a human
u guys need to give her enough time to process it and find a place.

Cause it was not her idea it is yours. So u had time to think about it and lan it and all
she did not, U r going to kind of suprise her with the bad news.

And i guess when u was inlove with her u did not bother that she did nothing all day.
So why make it a big deal now that u are not inlove.?
And its her freedom to choose to work or not.
So as its yours. U knew way before that she was like this so u got into
a relationship with her. so suck it!

[Unsure486]

What. I never said I was getting involved in someone else's relationship. I simply said that she comes to me for comfort when she gets into fights with him, and that's all. I specifically said "Not to mention I'm not going to encourage her to break up with her boyfriend. I simply won't do it." That whole thing is really beyond my concern. My main priority is my own situation.

Now then. I already plan on letting her stay as long as she needs to. I'm not going to kick her out. That's not me. Also, it didn't bother me that she did nothing because I didn't know about it. She made it seem like she did stuff all the time, then when she moved in, that all went to nothing. That's why I'm making a big deal out of it. And yes, it's her freedom to work or not, but it's really annoying that me and my mother work our asses off, and she just gets hundreds of dollars from her gram every month for no reason. Yes I know, it's her gram, but still. She's almost 20. She needs to grow up a little.

[vashti]

Families that can afford to support their academically-gifted children while they are full-time students consider education to be a full-time job, but I understand (and share) your disdain for laziness, if that is what your issue is. In the meantime, she is holding up her end of the deal by maintaining her rent, correct? How she chooses to spend her time is STILL none of your business, as long as she keeps her rent paid.

The fact that you don't want to keep her as a G/F still remains, and I still think that whether or not your grandmother decides to keep her as a renter is between the two of them. Your sense of awkwardness should you break up is going to be YOUR problem. You don't really have the power to decide who lives in someone else's house, do you?

[Unsure486]

I do though, that's the thing. My mother only let her move in because I asked of it. And it's not like we were charging rent in the first place. Heck, even now we're not charging rent. We didn't ask her gram to send us money, she just started doing it. That just makes the situation weirder to me. I only took her in to get her away from her mother temporarily until she found a place to actually rent. Well that turned into her moving everything into my house and that was that. That's why I'm uncomfortable. I will fully admit that I'm not ready to live with my girlfriend, and I don't want to lead her on thinking everything is great. It's certainly not.