Ok new scenario need some advice.....

[imokurnot]

If you haven't read my story (and who could blame you) it is on the forum under title of "Heres my novel.....".

Latest developments are she basically told me yesterday evening the real reason she left me. We are 39 (me) and 31 (her). She said she wants to get married and have kids. I have been married and have a daughter from previous marrige and she loves my daughter and visa-versa. The problem was we became complacent and allowed so much time to go by (7 yr relationship) and we both wanted the same things just never felt the other wanted what we did. I was waiting on her to have her mom and I work our differences out and I guess she was waiting for me to show her I was responsible and could support her and a family financial etc.

I have now gotten my act together and she sees that. She was crying last night and misses me and said she never fell out of love with me and still loves me, and always will she says. She says now though she is watching me closely (she said that when she left too but how was I suppose to know what she was looking for?). She is dating that other guy still but wasn't with him on Christmas eve or Christmas night so how serious can they be. She always told me it wasn't him or he wasn't the reason she left at all. Well I can understand that now that she told me the truth. Before I guess she wanted to save my feelings because who wants to hear someone tell you they are leaving because your a loser and they don't see a future with you. Now I am confident again and she sees that I am on the right track again and she could tell me the truth finally.

My problem is this. She says she knows I could never get over her cheating on me with this guy. She says I blew up a couple times and that showed her that I could never forget it and get past it. That anytime I got upset I would throw it in her face and hurt her. I did send some mean emails and leave some mean voicemails for her a couple times. Who wouldn't though? I can get passed those things now that I know her reasoning and I even agree with her reasons for leaving. The way she did it sucked but if it was necessary to fix my problems and make me a better person for me then I can live with that. I had been backing off and letting her go. She moved so she is not that close to me any longer and lives with her best friend (her new boyfriends cousin). Do I back off still now that I know what the deal was? She admits she loves me. She says she will be watching me closely (she has said this the whole time). Or do I make a push to tell her things that may allow her to see the steps I have taken and seethat I desire the same things she does and I am working to secure a future for myself that will allow us to do just that if we end up trying again? Help me people I need to know how to handle this. It's almost like she left me again last night. I am just now finding out the true reasons and I had already been addressing them in my life for myself and with the added motivation of making her regret leaving me forever.

[squirrley]

First, you need to always think of yourself and your wants and needs. Sometimes, we tend to put ourselves last and put the person were in love with FIRST. We forget about who we are. She finally told you how she felt and all her reasons for leaving. It sucks that you find these things out AFTER the fact and NOT during the problems. Or sometimes you dont or cant see it while youre in it. She's now been honest with you on how she feels about you and your relationship, that's a good thing. Sounds like she wants to work through things but is hanging on to certain issues. While you might be able to really get past the whole her cheating, she may ALWAYS have that in her head its going to be thrown at her, she'll always be walkn on egg shells waiting for you to throw that in her face. You have to get past that and prove that to her if you believe in your heart she is the one you want to have this relationship with.

Knowing that she made you want to be a better person should make you feel pretty damn good, and you've made the steps to make those changes for yourself. Not for her but for YOU. Ive also come across that similar thing, where someone special has made me want to be a better person and Im making the changes for myself as well.

Its such damn emotional turmoil deciding what you should you do, cut all ties, or keep in contact. Everyone has their own opinion, and ulitimately, only you can decide for yourself whats best for you. What youre mental state can really handle. I know I couldnt for months, it tore me up inside. But Ive realized its not an all or nothing situation, there is compromise. But there is also a fine line when enough is enough. You just have to know when that it is...

In the meantime, having someone tell you the answer wont work, I know, Ive asked, I searched. Just when you think someone tells you what you want to hear, someone else will say the complete opposite. Only you can answer it for yourself, you can either follow your heart, or your mind. In my case, it ulitmately came to both. I finally realized and seperated the two and the answer was clear...always was. I had a VERY wise person tell me lastnight "the best of things dont come easy." and yet right before that, someone said "if it takes work, its not right." BULLSHIT!!!! Relationships whether theyre great or troublesome will always take some sort of level of work, because were ALWAYS growing and learning. That is work in itself.

SOOOO-Im sorry Ive rambled, guess I know how youre feeling. Being in my 30's you start to think ahead. But keep in mind too, that life is too short to have regrets. Take those chances...

[imokurnot]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I agree that people give advice based on their own relationships or past relationships and their experiences. Every relationship has it's own dynamics and personalities. Each person has different threshholds of pain, emotional need and stability. I think I am going with a backing off of contact but not going to allow too much time to go by sa she can easily move on and try to bury me and my memory. I think she knoews she blew it. I just need to give her time to really understand how special I am and then she can't help but fight to get me back. Then I will have the decision as to take her back or not

The no regrets thing is exactly how I look at it. I want to know I gave my all. If it pushed/pushes her away initially I know it will make her think of me a little later and wonder what if and see how hard I tried. If she feels she made a mistake and knows how hard I tried maybe that will be romantic or whatever to her. It would be to me if someone fought so hard (in nice ways) to get me back. If I wasn't ready for it at the time I would still realize it later. No doubt in my mind if I really loved that person and thought highly of them.

Balance is everything and I am usually pretty intuitive as to when to back off. Well now after 6 weeks I am, at first I was too emotional to realize anything at all or read signs. i think I am back to myself in that I can read her again and be intuitive about what she is thinking and feeling.

I agree everything happens for a reason (your sig). But sometimes the reason is just that the person blew it. We make our own destiny and choices and sometimes there is no "good" rreason or one that you can take solace in. That is like destiny and the other things people say when they are too devastated to deal with the reality of life sucks or life isn't fair. Not very inspirational to tell someone they got screwed under. Easier to say there is a reason for everything.

[squirrley]

At least youre at a point where you can recognize when YOU need to step back, I know the feeling now too. Let her do her own thing, let her be but dont let her doubt youre not there for her anymore.

When I say everything happens for a reason, its not because its easier than to say sorry you got shit on, its the fact that even AFTER everything and down the road when are emotions aren't so tied up and we've let or had to let, something else happens, other doors open, (if you allow them). Every relationship becomes a something we learn about within ourselves, we find things we like in a parnter, or things we dont. It's what makes a stronger. BELEIVE ME, when I had a relationship of 10 years go to hell, I thought the worst, there couldnt be anyone else, etc. But within 6 months of getting myself together, re-evaluating who I was, what that relationship really was about, etc. I was able to heal quicker, and move on. Took a long time, but it wasnt getting over him, but finding me. Since then, 5 years later, came across a nwe situation, and this one was bad too, more emotional bullshit, I finally got to the point of knowing "Im done". And another door opened. But I have to say I wasnt looking when these things happened, I was perfectly content being by myself. I think no, I know God had a hand in this to prepare me for other things down the road. Making me understand more about myself, what I want or dont want.

When people are so emotionally involved at the time, you cant see out of the box, absalutely almost to the point that no matter what anyone says, you're going to find something to hang in there or find someway to run. I truly believe people come into our lives for a reason, even if it was a crappy moment, I find something positive to take from it. But it does happen for a reason. I'd know it's because He wants nothing but the best for us. It keeps me alive inside. So I dont carry the "there must be something better out there attitude" but let me see where this can take me, and if it works fine, if it doesnt, its another way to make myself stronger.

Hang in there, youre going to be fine no matter what. Youve made some hard decisions, but youre doing whats right for you.

[imokurnot]

Challenging the "everything happens for a reason" is that it doesn't. Yes good things may come out of it down the road. You can look at positives that may come from it, but there was no reason other than you got screwed. We control our choices and our destiny. There is nothng wrong with looking for the positives and take them out of any bad situation, that is the right thing to do. That doesn't mean there was or that was the reason you went through whatever it may be you went through. That's not a popualr thing to say but it is realistic. Some can understand it and it empowers them to make their own destiny. Others feel devastated if they realize they are on their own and things just happened to them that happened to be bad. I can't fool myself very well and never try to. I will get over her and she will regret this mark my words. But I did get screwed and there was no reason other than her being selfinsh, ignorant, and lazy. She will learn from it and so will I. I already have, she is on her way to realizing a lot of things.