Do I have a right to be upset?

[Aldara]

I should probably post an intro first, but I'm going to skip that part for now. I'm a woman, dating a man 6 years younger then I am. We are currently in a long distance relationship with plans to move in together. Things have been going great, but recently something has come up that has really put me on my guard as well as made me question my trust in him. He's always been very open and honest with me except for this one thing.

Recently, I was talking to him on MSN and he seemed really distracted so I asked him if everything was ok. He said he was fine, that he was just talking to a couple other friends of his too. A couple of women, but he made it sound like he'd known them for some time. One lives in a different state then him, the other it turns out lives quite near him. I didn't really think anything of it.

A couple days later, he invited this girl to go out on a boat with him and some friends because he wanted to meet her. I was confused since I had been thinking they'd known each other for a while. He didn't lie to me about the length of time he'd known her, but he hadn't told me either. After I asked about it, he told me that he had only known her a short time, had met her on a forum. I asked if she knew about me. He said no. I found out they had also exchanged pictures and have been talking pretty often. When I found out he'd invited her out without her even knowing about me, I was upset. This girl is closer to his age, already lives nearby, and had no idea about me.

Do I have a reason to feel so insecure about this? He did tell her about me after I talked to him about it. He said that he told he was in a LDR with someone. I don't know how much else he told her about me, probably not a lot. After all this, I was very uncomfortable with him meeting her in person. We talked about it for a long time, and then he decided it would be best to wait to meet her until I was moved out there so that he could meet her with me there. He says he's just looking for more friends.

A few more days later, I talk to him on the phone. He says that he found out where she works and wants to go meet her there. I was totally caught off guard. I had thought it was settled. I told him that he knew how i feel about it. I wasn't going to tell him no, but I was very uncomfortable with the whole situation. He got off the phone soon after saying that he wasn't sure if he would go see her or not. After talking later, he says he meant after I got there, that hey might not want to meet her at all, but meant that maybe he would meet her after I moved in in a couple months.

I'm feeling very insecure at this point. I don't like the way things changed there, saying he wasn't going to meet her until I was there, and then asking me if he could, and then saying he wasn't sure. I'm also not at all comfortable with him having exchanged pictures with her and that he didn't tell her about me before inviting her out. Am I just being paranoid? At this point, I get very apprehensive even knowing he is still talking to her at all. I don't like this situation and I need to know if I'm over reacting.

[Gigabitch]

He's dating her, right in front of you. Of course you have a right to be upset. In what kind of crazy world would you not be upset about this?

[RdHrshyKss]

he is in a LDR with you and he is talking to another girl, sending pictures, and making plans to meet her? all without telling her that he's in a relationship? he's being deceitful and is trying to play games by telling you some things but not others. so theoretically he isn't lying to you, but he definitely isn't being 100% honest. he didn't mention you to this girl because he didn't want to ruin any chances he might have with her, he's keeping his options open.

i'd kick him to the curb and find someone who lives closer to you.

[Aldara]

Thank you for the responses.

He said that he's told her about me now. He says he's only looking for a friendship. He also says he exchanges pictures with a lot of people. He said that he completely understands my view on this and that he's sorry. I just don't even know what to think right now. I feel lost and confused and hurt.

[xxazurexx]

Yeah yeah yeah whatever. To want to meet her, he has an interest in another woman besides you. Friends my arse.

I'd ditch him.

[RdHrshyKss]

if he's just looking for friendships, then why would he be so secretive/confusing about what he's doing? if he's just looking for friends, then there should be no problem in including you in his conversations with these people. tell him that some ground rules need to be set. tell him what you are comfortable with him doing and what you are not comfortable with him doing. he either agrees or he doesn't. if he doesn't, then all you can do is try to move on. LDR's are really hard and if he isn't willing to work with you on this kind of stuff, then there is no point in pursuing your relationship with him any further.

[girl68]

tell the idiot he's betther off friending a dude with a dick... he just wants friends right?

[alovehangoverr]

Thank you for the responses.

He said that he's told her about me now. He says he's only looking for a friendship. He also says he exchanges pictures with a lot of people. He said that he completely understands my view on this and that he's sorry. I just don't even know what to think right now. I feel lost and confused and hurt.

Are you SURE he told her about you, or is that just what he's telling you?

Honestly.. I'd be VERY concerned if I were you.

I understand wanting to make new friends. Friends are great. However, this doesn't sound like a "making friends" situation. Do you think he'd be trading pics with a male, talking to this male to an extent you notice he's distracted from talking to you, and then making plans to meet up -- and then changing plans to drop in on this male at work?

Probably not.

[lahnnabell]

Ugh. I've been in this situation too many times for my liking and they weren't even LDR's.

In my experience, guys love attention. Immature guys love A LOT of attention, and they'll get it wherever they can find it. Online is terribly easy and it's far more secretive (passwords, folders, etc.)

Now, he may not necessarily be dating her, but he's being very inappropriate and is clearly interested enough in her to keep pushing this issue on you. Lying by omission (omitting that he has a girlfriend, omitting the length of time he'd known this girl) is the same as a blatant lie and should not be treated lightly. It's purposefully underhanded and conniving.

The reason for his omitting the truth? He is interested in this girl. He has to think you're quite a sap to believe his little story of innocence. He's hoping that by divulging some truth that you'll get off his back and let him do what he wants. Don't let up on this.

However, you need to have a bare bones conversation about this. Tell him straight up, "Dude, it looks like your shopping for a more convenient girlfriend. Your behavior is shady and I don't like it. If you care about me, you'll cut it out, but you've already lied by omission so, why should I trust you?" I don't think he's worth the trouble in my opinion.

[Aldara]

I've talked to him again after reading these responses. I told him that because of the circumstances of the new friendship, I was not ok with it and I felt like he was doing his best to find someone else. I layed out how I feel about it all. He said that he felt really bad and that he was very sorry for doing that. He ended the friendship with her, even though I did not ask him to do that. I feel somewhat guilty about that because I don't like be controlling, but at the same time, I do agree with him that it was the only real solution. He sent me a screen shot of their conversation. He told her that he screwed up and because of that I was unhappy and miserable over the whole thing. He told he felt it best not to talk to her anymore. He has removed her from his facebook as well as MSN. While I do have guilt over this, I am vastly relieved also.

[xxazurexx]

I don't view it as being 'controlling'. It's letting him know what is not acceptable to you and if he wants to be with you. Nothing wrong with that. And if they don't like it, you wave bye bye if you have any sense.

I think that when people are troubled about something and dare not speak up about it, it is usually because they are afraid of losing that person. If someone will walk away 'that' easily and if you speak up about what is troubling you, then they weren't that much into the relationship anyway.

Glad things worked out for you and don't feel guilty. You simply commanded his respect and he will now respect you more.