Silent Treatment

[Tears]

My husband gives me the silent treatment every single time there’s a disagreement (and it doesn’t take a lot to make him upset, he’s a little sensitive and gets upset easily).

A war of silence ensues; he always thinks he is right and ignores all of my attempts to discuss rationally or ask him for reasons.

I always give in regardless of whose fault I think it is, because I don’t want to make a big deal over small trifles, because I value the relationship more than who is right and wrong.

But it hurts a lot because I feel as if he doesn’t care about me as a person when he gives me the cold shoulder. I could sit there and cry all night but he’ll never budge an inch, except to tell me to shut up because he wants to sleep.

I feel that the relationship should be valued above who is right and wrong, and it really hurts that he never chooses to give in to me, not even once.

Should I really be giving in all the time? I don't want to "spoil" him eventually, till the extent he ends up feeling entitled. But I usually end up breaking the silence because I can't stand being the person who fights fire with fire and end up burning down the whole house.

Help me, please.

[GLYC]

Well, you seem like a really great person.

Unfortunately, he lacks some communication skills. This is how some people handle conflict, there's been studies with stonewalling, and it has the same effects as other forms of emotional abuse.

I suggest talking to him about it sometime outside of an argument. Just tell him that it makes you feel hurt and that you would like it if he communicated when he was upset.

It really is an immature way of handling things. This is a deal breaker for me, it takes two to tango. And I can't tolerate people that expect me to be a mind reader and just "figure things out" for myself. No thanks.

[Tears]

Thanks for your reply.

I have tried to forcibly ask him for his reasons during one of the stonewalling sessions, he says he prefers to cool down and think instead of saying “stupid” things (like I do, according to him).

This is because I try to reason out disagreements, and he feels my reasoning is illogical. I’ve calmly asked him why he thinks it’s illogical, and he told me to go think about it. I said, “I don’t know, I’m stupid, explain to me” (because I genuinely have no idea why!) but he just keeps telling me to think about it and says I am being unrepentant for my mistakes. Like you said, I’m not a mind-reader. I would love to hear reasons and explanations.

Well I can give him time to cool down and think, but really, he can go on stonewalling forever until I give in. Plus I do care about him so I really can’t bear the tense feel of being at odds with each other for more than half a day. I certainly couldn’t care less if a stranger ignored me all day long.

I don’t feel like I want to bring it up out of the blue on a normal day either, because he thinks silence is the wiser option. Then we will just start up another disagreement leading to more silent treatment and as you might have guessed, I’m kind of a peace person that would like to avoid conflicts.

I feel I’ve set an expectation for myself to value people over what’s right and wrong and it is hurtful when he never gives in, because I automatically interpret it as him not valuing me. Feeling I’m unimportant hurts, a lot. Maybe I shouldn't jump to such a negative interpretation and hold others to the same expectation?

[Hooo!]

Maybe you come to the conclusion that you don’t talk about it when things are heated but maybe later?
If he doesn’t want to insult you by not talking their doesn’t work very well because you are hurt by him not talking

[Tears]

That's a really good point. I'm already hurt to begin with if he doesn't talk, so the question of having my feelings hurt by being insulted really doesn't even come into the picture anymore.

I'll try and put it to him that way, and see if we can talk after a reasonable amount of cooling down time. Thanks lots!

[CantMoveOn]

Sounds like his ego is a big one and won't allow himself to give a little even if in the wrong or seeing his partner hurting. Has he always been selfish in that way? Even when dating? How does he react with others, family and friends if in the same situation? Same or different?