Recent Breakup / Will we get back together?

[Bary]

Alright, here is the story:

I'm 24 year old male, engineering student, who was just recently in a relationship that ended. She was younger, 20, still somewhat immature. We only dated like 3 months, but we fell really hard for each other. She already to me on a trip (actual airplane flight) to meet her parents who liked me a lot. Her dad really liked me, which she said was extremely unusual because he doesn't even talk to her friends, and hated all her ex's. She even invited me to stay with her for a week or two after summer semester was over. We spent a lot of time together, not because I was trying to suffocate her, but she always wanted me to come hang out.

I normally don't do relationships, I have too much on my plate, and not much time - but she won me over.

I broke two guidelines of my own: A.) Don't date younger girls. B.) She got out of a bad relationship of a year and a half, baggage, don't do it.

As I was saying, regardless of what my wisdom and philosophical point of views were stressing to me, I still ended up in a relationship with her because she won me over. I like to think that our relationship was very healthy as well. We were extremely happy with each other, good influences on each other as well. We had a lot in common, and I was the "best" she had ever slept with (I know women can just bullshit this, but there was truth in her eyes). She was the one who brought up the fact that she had fallen in love with me, so I followed (I know it sounds stupid, but we hit it off extremely well very quickly).

Now Friday comes, she gets stupid drunk, we have plans Saturday that she's too hungover for so I break up with her (it was a compilation of things that built up to this point i.e. immaturity). She wants to work it out, I agree and she goes to the extent of explaining how much she is in love with me/cares for me/ likes me and that breaking up isn't worth it (this all happens within a three hour time span before we are back in each others' arms).

Sunday we go on a little trip for shopping and eating and have a great time, everything is going right. We get back and she wants to take me home, which is cool I felt like I had overstayed my welcome at that point. She hangs out with her friend (roommate who's jealous of her b/c said roommate can't find a guy) and the next day breaks up with me.

Her reasoning was that she can't deal with a relationship right now, and I was such a good guy she didn't want to drag me down b/c I was so nice and comforting. We have talked on and off the last 2 weeks, about every other day (I KNOW, we keep breaking the no contact rule!). She'll start a conversation one day apologizing to me, telling me she cares for me and just needs her "young college time" and I'll start a conversation with her about how she should realize the young party college days isn't what it's all cracked up to be, I'm a frat kid, I know.

Anyway I was wondering if:
A.) We will get back together / should I attempt to salvage this relationship somehow? (we were really good for each other)
B.) What's the real reason she broke up?
C.) We have a 'date' tomorrow to watch a movie - is this a bad idea/good idea and should I / how can I try to have closure sex? (We are going our separate ways for a few weeks since school is out)

Thanks for the help!

[love_architect]

lol the 3 rules makes me laught ....sorry

well listen smart kid, relationships doesn't work like mathematics or a java program ... it's complicated, i've notice that you try to make your decisions based on statistics and eliminations, she is not majoring in some intelectual fields that doesn't mean she is stupid, if you want a successful relationship you should stop using a binary vision regarding people, specially a girl you date, you can give her a chance if you think she worth, if she is not immature you can help her to change , of course if you LOVE her, I notice that you didn't mention that word in your post.

[Bary]

Haha I'm not eliminating women from the pool by deductive reasoning, I just find girls who in something like micro biology sexy, they tend to be easier to communicate with. Her intelligence isn't the problem. Yeah I'll drop the "L" word, I did fall in love with her pathetically enough (concerning the time span we were together). We got along great, and were realllly happy with each other I just don't know what I should do at this point - let her go or try and talk some sense into her.

[Cerby]

ok, here we go:

A) Maybe, but will it last? No. You seem like you're riding a high horse and have similar expectations of those around you. When they don't meet your requirements, they're immediately considered "lesser" people. This shows through in two of your statements, 1) she isn't in a higher field of study, and 2) that you want her to profusely tell her how much she loves you and how "breaking up with you isn't worth it". I think even if you end up back together, she will let your standards down.

B) She broke up with you because she found out how much easier life was after you dumped her, it may not be a reflection of you, maybe she just doesn't want to be tied down right now. It is a valid reason for people in their early 20s.

C) WTF is closure sex? The date is a bad idea and closure sex is more of a casual hookup than anything else. Ask her? Make a move for it? Just try initiating as normal.

[Bary]

I'm not cocky by any means, nor ever look down at people. I'm going to reword that sentence b/c it's being taken out of context. Also - when I broke up with her we were literally only apart for an hour, maybe more, before she come over and we were hanging out.

[AdminOnline]

Merge thread & moved to 'Broken hearts' forum.

[rafterman]

Give her the flick, she sounds like real head case. You've got the right Idea, just use her as a booty call and concentrate on your studies.... she sounds like more hard work than you already have.
Too add..... the fact you broke up for an hour, is a little weird.

[smackie9]

OK I will be straight forward with you. If she is "Too immature" why do you bully her? If you don't like it, don't date her, simple as that. Now if you can't help yourself and need to get back with her here is what you do......cut her some f uckin slack. Stop expecting her to make you her number one priority. I've been enough relationships to know that dates will be broken, things come up, and plans will change. If you want this relationship to work you have to learn to "bend a little", compromise, and keep your attitude in check. Wigging out because she was hung over and dumping her over it was juvenile in itself so you are no better than she is. You could have laughed it off and suggested something else to do like offering to bring some food and watch a movie. Or just get off your ass and find something else to do.....you know just accept it, that these things just happen. You need to be more relaxed, and chill out. It's obvious she broke up with you because she is tired of you harping on her. She is trying real hard to make you understand that this is what she is going to be doing at this time, but of course it's not going to be like this forever.

Basically you both need to set some relationship boundaries and go over each others expectations.....talk it out and like I said, learn to bend a little.

[Bary]

@smackie - There was a lot of stuff that lead up to me breaking it off with her the morning she was hungover:

Friday night we went out, she got really drunk, I was the DD but she gave me the keys and told me to go home and I said "You are here with me, you are leaving with me". Saturday was planned b/c we were suppose to do something the weekend before, she canceled, promised to do something with me Monday, canceled, moved plans to Friday, canceled, then moved to Saturday and didn't go. She also treated me like shit a good bit, I guess projecting all those emotions she had built up on to me.

I was extremely chill and relaxed during the relationship, never bullied her at all, I was actually more of her safe place b/c of the fact I was never mean to her and extremely understanding. She would talk to me about whatever bothered her and I would make her happy. So trust me when I say I bent over backwards.

[smackie9]

Well if you are finding this soooooooooo one sided then you are dating the wrong girl my friend so stop hoping you can change her. Just let her go.

[Bary]

Fair enough.

[garysmith]

Give her some space after the break-up.The harder you try the situation become more worse and she will definetly walk away. If she says she needs some time, respect her decision. Do not call her every minute of the day.

Don`t ever try to beg her. This is one common thing many people tries but failed to get their girl back. Even if you are actually desperate to win her back, do not turn clingy.

You can present her all over again with flowers, chocolates and letters. But while the gifts can draw a smile, winning her back will require a more personal and sincere efforts.

Make her feel that you are worthy of a second chance. Use the time you have spent apart since the break-up to reflect this.

Think again your qualities that attracts her towards you. Play up your strengths. Become the man she first fell for.

You should figure out what exactly went wrong with your relationship. Think in your head the conversations, and even fights, you had.

After you get to know what went wrong in your relationship, call her for a meet or try to talk to her. You can even take help from your mutual friends in this to arrange a meet for both of you.

When she does agree to a conversation, humbly apologize for your all wrong doings and take responsibility for your actions. Here comes an important step, don`t just stop at sorry, convince her all the way and make her realise that your relationship deserves a second chance.

Do not, however, force the reconciliation. Show her how much you want to be with her. Let everything else fall back into place.Assure her that you will completely respect her decision. Remember, once again you shouldn`t force her at any cost.

Use the above tips, decide your action plan and have guts to show her that you actually loved her very much. She will be definetly yours. Good Luck. Have faith in yourself of making everything right and back into its place.

[Bary]

Well since the original post, there have been recent developments. She contacts me about every other day until I pretty much told her to go her own way the other day. What I had suspected is she still felt something towards her previous boyfriend (with him 2 years, with me 3 months). I told her that of course you are going to feel feelings strong for him than me seeing that you broke up with him not too long before dating me, and the fact you had been with him much longer than me. I stated that an 'ex' is an 'ex' for a reason, and that I know if we had more time spent with one another her feelings for me would have been stronger than her last guy (he was terrible to her). We never really fought, and I didn't really do anything wrong during the relationship and she admitted I was really good to her, and that she just couldn't do the relationship thing at the moment based on her emotional state. I said sometimes you got to over come those emotions and work towards the future when something great happens, but have your space - hopefully I will be around when you get your mind right. (Sorry for sounding so cocky, I'm not meaning it to come off as that.)

So now I'm cutting her off for a while, even if she tries to contact me again. It's hard to try to figure out what I did wrong in the relationship when she says I was perfect, I just didn't have time on my side. And it's always hard to compete against the 'ex' emotions, so I'm just going to ride it out and see where I end up from here.

[smackie9]

I told you what you did wrong.....you are dating the wrong girl. Just because you are head over heels for them doesn't mean they are going to be right for you. You were trying to MAKE her right for you....it never works tho.

[Bary]

I agree smackie - but my thinking was she is the right girl in the future, maybe not right now with her being young and ignorant, but I just felt as if she could be it with a year or two's time.