I've had quite the winter with this guy... a bit overwhelmed

[aries_dahling]

So, this is gonna be long! I'm gonna paint a little time line for you. And for myself...putting life down in writing is therapeutic in my opinion.

To start off, I'm young. I'm 18 years old (19 in april), but after getting my GED at 16 and immediately beginning full time work, I had to mature a bit faster than my peers for various reasons. I spent a good portion of the last couple years surrounded by best friends that were 20-26, and in turn, almost all of my dating experiences were with older guys. And a lot of them were NOT good ones. I dated one guy off and on for about a year, and by the end of it, intimacy became hard to deal with in friendships/relationships. He was a father, in recovery, and I would say just about a sociopath. He manipulated me through out one of the most sensitive times of my life, the part where I'm maturing from a girl to a woman. After we finally ended, every guy I met after that would be around for a month, tops. It made me mad at myself but I just couldn't help it. I think it was a low self esteem thing, it was just hard to be intimate in general.

This winter began in a not so great way either, a few disturbing issues with family and friends made their appearances.. Suddenly I found myself taking care of everyone but myself, which just was not helping how I was already feeling. I was also working a job that required me to be up at 4:30 in the morning 5 days a week. Basically, I was being stretched thinner than I was used to!

Right when it was getting to be too much, I met a man who worked at the same company. I wasn't really interested in dating at the moment, but he asked me to coffee, and I decided it couldn't hurt. We went on the date, and it was great! I had been spending so much of the last couple of years with people that (they are amazing people, don't get me wrong) weren't particularly ambitious, so it was insanely refreshing to meet someone in my small town who had such intelligence and drive. He was 22 and from San Francisco, and was going to law school in the Fall. It was a bit intimidating actually, I felt a bit out of my league. But the night ended up being spectacular! And I found myself completely opening up to this guy that I barely knew. We started hanging out every moment we had, whether we were running errands, going on drives, or just lying on his bed listening to his favorite records and talking. He made sure I didn't have to take care of him, and that he was taking care of me. It was a nice change. It was so different from anything else that I've experienced! A week after being together and we both admitted we felt like we'd known each other forever. It's like he'd appeared out of thin air right when I needed him most (not to be cliche or anything...).

He was moving 5 hours north for school on New Years Day though, so we had an unspoken agreement that we would have an amazing time together while he was in town, and that we would always keep in touch. But it just got so intense and amazing, so fast. Neither of us had expected such strong emotions to come out of it. He would tell me such meaningful things, and if it had been anyone else, I would've assumed they were either a bit desperate, or lying my pants off. But he made sure I knew that I was his exception. Then, on New Years Eve, the day before he was supposed to leave, he told me that as crazy as it was, he loved me. I'd been thinking it on and off for the last couple of weeks, but forced myself to not overanalyze; he was moving away. I told him I loved him too, that I was glad he told me despite him moving, because at least I would know exactly how he felt when he was gone. I'd never told anyone I'd loved them before, not even my most recent ex-boyfriend. He told me "You know that if we lived nearby, we could be together. The bottom line is that I'm moving. But I need you to understand that I want to be with you." Etc., etc., etc...

He and his best friend packed up their car the next day, and both of us crying, we finally said goodbye, and well... it sucked. But I was fine.

But here's when it gets messy... I had a plan in the works to move a couple hours north, it would be a couple hours south of where he was moving. He inspired me to get out of that town, and out of the nest and into the world! He knew about my plan, and about 4 days after he left, he called and said he was moving to that same city instead. His friend he was moving with had a change of heart, and he wasn't sure he could afford living in that city. Of course, I was ecstatic! But my plan to move was still in the works; I was unemployed, and didn't have money saved up. It was still more of an idea.

He came up with an idea: why don't I come up and stay with him until I get on my feet? After a little arguing about the pros and cons, I realized it did make some sense. Not only that, but we had just about been living together for a bit already, anyways. Getting out of my hometown and seeing him sooner than I'd planned was a nice thought as well. He already knew where he was moving in, we'd actually stayed at the house a couple times since a friend of mine was renting a room in it already. So, I packed up my life in my car, waved goodbye to my family and hit the road.

Everything was great, we were living in the house as soon as I got there since all of the roommates were friends. He and I decided that we were technically "in a relationship" now that we lived in the same city. But, money became a huge stress factor within the first week. Finally, the landlord who lived a few hours away arrived. He had the lease papers in hand and everything, and then suddenly at the very last minute... The landlord decided against subleasing to my boyfriend, and that all of the roommates were evicted, due to financial issues in the past. The last night we could be in the house, we were all stressed and overwhelmed from the sudden turn of events, so I went to a party with a girlfriend who lived in the area, and my boyfriend and one of the roommates went out to the bar to blow off some steam.

My boyfriend, being logical, had a plan B set up. It was a house with 3 college girls, but I wouldn't be able to stay there like originally planned. The next day was when he was moving into the new house. He was acting different and distant, and I sensed it immediately. It was so strange that by the end of the day I ended up bluntly asking, "What is going on? We're in a relationship, right? I understand I don't have the final say on anything, but why am I not allowed to have an opinion?" He responded with: "I'm so overwhelmed with everything right now, I've been at the bar every night because I don't have a job and I don't know how I'm paying my bills in 2 weeks, I love you and that's all I know."

I was instantly hurt, because I knew I hadn't imagined the conversation where we had agreed to "label" it. But, not wanting to be dramatic, I rolled with the shots. I helped him move into the new place, I found a friend to stay with, and I did my best not to pressure him. I was stressed too, after all. But after he moved into the new place, suddenly I would only see him if we were running errands or getting food. Every time we had plans to spend time together, I wouldn't hear from him until 9 o'clock, when he was "just getting one drink, call you when I'm done.". Three hours later, he would text me apologizing, asking if we can hang out the next day.

Finally, I couldn't handle it anymore. He'd almost completely stopped saying "I love you", I had no idea what was happening or what I'd done wrong to make someone fall out of love with me so fast! One day, I finally told him I needed time to myself. He was visibly upset, but not really surprised, and told me to take all the time I needed. That he was sorry everything wasn't turning out like I'd imagined, it hadn't for him either, he would always be there for me. We decided to set a date for a month or so after that to go get coffee and figure it out, because being in contact while we were both so stressed clearly wasn't working. I didn't see him after that, he would call me drunk from the bar a couple times, or text me to see how I was doing, and I tried my best to refrain from reaching out.

I went out on Valentine's Day and ended up running into him (of course). We were both excited to see each other, and he was still wanting to go to coffee. I was happy to hear it because I was worried he had decided to move on. However a girl I was hanging out with that night pulled me aside, and revealed that the night before we'd moved out of the initial house, she and my boyfriend had slept together. I remembered that he had gotten home an hour after the roommate he went out with had. He'd slept with someone else, come home to me and OUR bed less than an hour later. I approached him and bluntly asked him if that was true. He said yes. We had broken up because he felt too guilty to keep telling me he loved me, and was too much of a coward to tell me why.

So... That's where I'm at. I'm so disappointed that we had a shot at something SO good, and he completely threw it away. I'm disappointed because he knowingly let me walk around for weeks thinking there was something horribly wrong with me, that I'd somehow messed up everything we'd had. He lied to my face on several occasions. I'm so hurt and ANGRY. I'm not even angry that he slept with someone else, I'm angry that he could be so careless, and not even try to fix his mistakes. I trusted him enough to move out of my family's house, 2 hours away with no money, and that he wouldn't let me sink. I'm not an idiot, I don't put that much trust into someone without good reason. I suppose I misjudged him, which is a sad thought.

I had to rant on here, I'm sorry. I've just spent almost a month trying to come to a conclusion on why we broke up based on his measly excuse for a reason, and then suddenly I realize I'm in a completely different ball game with someone I might not know as well as I thought. I've had multiple health problems in the last month, and I'm just so disappointed that he wasn't there when he should have been. I know that if I had called him, he would have been there in minutes ready to help, but that doesn't even matter because he's broken my trust, and I don't think I could bring myself to ask him for something now. The worst part is that I want to just never talk to him again, but it seems like the lack of closure is making it worse for me. I'm just lost in a new place, and now I have to do it alone. It's scary.

[bearz]

I think you have all the closure you need for now. He cheated on you, lied to you, and didn't even bother to work things out with you. You fell for the wrong guy, and that sucks. But all you can do is move on from him, don't talk to him anymore, and take care of yourself and your own life. Are you doing okay financially now?

[michelle23]

Go home to your family, get a job, sort your life out and stay away from men for awhile. All these bad experiences with men who treat you badly-its becoming a pattern and you need to change your type.

Forget about him-he doesn't deserve you. 1/. he cheated and 2. he didn't have the balls to be honest about it. My ex was the exact same. I was 17 but it was the best thing that ever happened because it thought me that I am strong and I don't take any shit from anyone and I would never forgive a cheat or a liar because I deserve better so just be grateful this happened while you were young.

It will teach you a lot about men and which ones to stay away from. It will set your standards and expectations higher and eventually you will meet someone who will never hurt you.

Take care of yourself, you will heal and youll be so over him in 6 months time. Enjoy being single, having your freedom, focus on your career, family, friends etc. Your 18-have fun and forget about that loser xx