Lack of trust, girlfriend lying and more... help!

[Holeinthesky]

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum but I will first say hello to all of you out there and I hope that you all dont mind helping me with my problems as I dont have anywhere else to turn.

Ok... where to begin. First Ill note that in November I got out of a relationship where my fiance of 4 years left me for one of my good friends. I realize now that I was in fact part of the problem and basically opened the door for it to happen. I came out of that hurt and gunshy to trust.

Along came a girl from my past whom Id known for 7 years and whom I had a few flings with but nothing ever materialized. My attraction to her is unreal and always has been both inside and out.

When we got back in touch she was living with a guy and the relationship was on its last legs, we never fooled around while they were still dating, we just hung out and enjoyed eachothers company but the beginning was a tough time because everything was very covert.

When he moved out we started officially dating and at first things were great but she told me that even though she said the 2 of them hadnt had any romantic connection in some time that they had been intimate and that really took trust down a notch but I pressed on.

Our relationship was great for a month and a half, things were electric and fun, lots of great times but then a lot of things started to not quite add up or fully fit together. I started becoming suspicious of her and her ex because I had creeped his facebook a few times and seen some rather vague but fairly suggestive status updates that got me asking questions.

This past Thursday she told me she was going to be late coming over because she got a phonecall to go and do a photoshoot with a photographer she likes working with (she is a part time model for fun) and so I grumbled a bit but said sure go ahead, Ill see you later. She came over later on and while she was very happy and positive, she was very sexually withdrawn from me which isnt like her especially being the early stage of things.

The next day I happened to be speaking with this photographer she had claimed she was doing the shoot with because I wanted to ask him about a seminar he was holding and while we were chatting I just made conversation and asked how the shoot went with my girlfriend and he said there was no shoot that day and that I was mistaken.

Immediately I got my back up about it and flew off the handle because my gf knew that the next lie meant it was quits for us but when I accused her of lying she got her back up about it and became VERY cold and standoffish about the whole thing claiming that it was my insecurities and that she was with the photographer but only to go over lighting ideas. She hung up and later on when I went to see her where she was with her friends I was met with a side of her that I hadnt seen before.

Today I spoke to the photographer again as he messaged me with the info I had requested about his seminar and when he did so I apologized for invading his privacy and if I seemed jealous when all they did was lighting stuff and he said "no you dont understand, I didnt see her at all".

Today I spoke with my now in limbo gf and she wants to sit down and talk tonight... so long story aside, what would the best method be to getting her to spill the beans completely about everything and potentially to work through things.

She is a great girl and very compatible but the lack of trust might be something I cant overcome. Any suggestions on overcoming a lack of trust and rebuilding?

[Only-virgins]

If you know she is lying than you win. Leave. Why do people put up with shit they don't have to put up with?...and no, I didn't read your post...don't need too...answer is the same to ALL of these types of issues.

[Holeinthesky]

I put with it because I care for her and what we could be if we could both work out our issues. I guess it will depend on what exactly she was hiding from me. I dont know... maybe it shouldnt matter because a lie is a lie. I will post as to how things go this evening when her and I speak.

[Aeradalia]

A relationship is built on trust... if you do not have trust then you really do not have a relationship at all. If she is this way at the very start of a relationship then chances are this is innately her and she will not change.

Love, compatibility... etc... are meaningless if you do not trust each other. How can you hope to be happy if you're always wondering what she's up to? There are other women who will want the same things you want in a relationship... you do not have to settle for a woman that fails to understand trust and most likely will never change --- especially if she's already blaming you and deflecting your attention from her inconsistencies and lies.

[lilmama615]

It takes two people to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Trust and communication are the foundation to a relationship. If you're missing either one, then you're basically gonna be working to GET both to keep the relationship running smooth. It's obvious she lied but I really feel against her in this situation because she could have been a woman about it and kept it real. People who care for one another shouldn't feel a need to lie to each other.

[Only-virgins]

I put with it because I care for her and what we could be if we could both work out our issues. I guess it will depend on what exactly she was hiding from me. I dont know... maybe it shouldnt matter because a lie is a lie. I will post as to how things go this evening when her and I speak.

I can't be with someone who lies to me and deceives me. So no, I don't understand.

[Only-virgins]

It takes two people to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Yea, but one is the innocent victim and the other is the criminal. They are not the same . Getting lied to is not an option but something that happens to you. Lying is something you do.

[Gigabitch]

Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me. You hear what I'm saying, Holeinthesky? If one more lie was the end, why isn't it over? She doesn't believe you and neither do I.

[Aeradalia]

She's lying to you and you're lying to yourself... you can't stop her from lying... but you can stop yourself from lying...

[Mish]

Today I spoke with my now in limbo gf and she wants to sit down and talk tonight... so long story aside, what would the best method be to getting her to spill the beans completely about everything and potentially to work through things.

You can start with 'You lied to me and I don't trust you anymore, why should I trust you again?'.

That would be honest.

[Cain]

I'm curious how the talk went.

[Holeinthesky]

I'm curious how the talk went.

Well... it went... how it went I guess..

She showed up very promptly that night and upon arrival I said "if youre going to lie about anything then just walk back out the door and dont talk to me again, this is an all or nothing situation, either you walk out of here tonight with me or without me, there is no more grey area and if we hold this together, you will have to work for my trust".

She started off the conversation by lying (of course) because she knew she was busted and she knew that I knew it. I promptly said "ok just leave, Im wasting my time". It was then that she said she had lied and that she had gone out to dinner with her ex. At that point she noted that she had a moment of weakness and due to some things I had said to lead her to believe that I wasnt serious about the relationship she went to dinner with him and kind of got his hopes up about things again.

She stayed the night, nothing happened sexually, we just held eachother and since then things have been awesome however, her ex is now in the picture with a glimmer of hope and I want him gone.

I am telling myself that this is my point of no return, either things continue to go well or she ****s up and I move on. I moved on from a fiance of 4 years in 3-4 weeks, I think I can beat this just fine if need be.