Should I Stay or Should I Go?

[artemis88]

Let me begin by saying this should be easy for me to answer myself but still I am torn.

My boyfriend and I have been living together for a little over three years, I moved into his house after we were pregnant. All my life it seems like I have done things backward, we planned to have a child and I became pregnant and then before my child's birth I moved into his house and gave up mine. Before I was pregnant he was my best friend and we were very much in love, but at that time I did not notice how seperate our lives were, he had his friends and family and I had mine and we seemed to make time to spend together. After I moved in it seemed everything changed, I gave up my life to try to adjust to his but he never seemed to make time for me anymore, his famliy and friends always came first and it seemed I was always alone or had the option of "tagging along" with him.

It seems we have not been close for years now, at time we go months without being intimate, and I can not remember the last time we passionately kissed more than two years I am sure. Several times I have talked to him about this and it always starts a fight or he is too tired doesn't want to talk or has plans to meet his friends out. Recently he told me that his heart just isn't in this relationship anymore. I still love him but I think I love a person that doesn't exist anymore, someone that was caring, sensitive, compassionate and affectionate. Of course there are so many other details I could go into but then this would be an extremely long post. It seems like the answer is simple, you should leave.

I haven't mentioned he is a great father and we both love or child very much, neither one of us can stand the thought of spending one night away. We spend a lot of family time together, and I know our child would be heart broken if we were not all together. Just the thought of the three of us not being together crushes me, not really for us but for our child. On the other hand what does this show our child when mommy and daddy don't show affection? What do I do? Please help I don't know what to do anymore.

[UpUpstateNY]

Can I ask a few questions, please don't be offended since I don't know either of you personally. Yes, I'm a guy.

1) I see major communication problems. In any relationship communication is essential and if you have been together three years and he can't discuss things in you without arguing or being "tired" there is a serious gap here. He can't run away forever. Before you do anything, fix the communication because if this doesn't work, it is already over no matter what you both want.

2) I know relationships are different these days, but in my mind if a man fathers a child with you and stays and lives with you and takes care of it, I think it is trifling that he doesn't marry you. Just my humble opinion.

3) Following 1, if he can't stand to be away from you or your child, why doesn't he want to be married? He want his options to be "open"? I know as a dude we HATE it when women put on the pressure for marriage, but sometimes we won't move unless we get a swift kick in the arse...have you talked about marriage to him? Better yet, are you both ready to be married? Is he the one? Don't force it.

[artemis88]

You are dead on, we have a huge communication issue! I don't know how to talk to him anymore, especially about relationship issues or emotions. In the past I have dated more "artistic" types of guys and to me they seem easier to talk to about feelings, so when I started dating a more man's man I thought this was normal and they don't talk about relationship issues.

As far as the marriage; I am ready and did want to before the whole "not really into it" thing, but I didn't want to pressure him I wanted him to do it when he wanted to because he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I have hinted that I am in my early thirties and always thought I would be married by now and I asked him if he ever wanted to get married. Yes he rerouted the conversation onto a different topic. He says he is physically attracted to me but I guess he doesn't feel much more than that.

So I guess I ask you now, do guys fall back in love or do I try and move on?

Again thank you....

[vashti]

For the sake of your child, I would try to work this out. Maybe some counseling would help. And just so you know - that head-over-heels love feeling doesn't last for more than a couple of years, anyway. What you end up with in the end (most of the time) are two people who are committed to making a life together with their children, which is where it sounds like you are anyway.

[artemis88]

Thanks Vashti, so you think I should stay in the house and see where it takes us? I want to work things out, I just don't know if he could fall back in love. I understand that the passion fades and I have talked to him about it but he says he is just not into the relationship. No offense to any guys, but I have noticed guys don't talk about there feelings as much and every once in awhile they will just let things out. Ok, as a girl my thought process is totally different and when something is bothering me I talk, so how do I get him to talk about this and see how far gone he is?

[vashti]

Get a counselor to help you.

[IndiReloaded]

What Vash said. Family time is not the same as 'couple time' and it is important for a healthy relationship. You have family close? Is there any chance they'd be up for some childminding (or swapping)? It will seem weird first few times but going out on dates again will help.

I do think that, unless there is abuse or toxic behaviour going on (like addictions or cheating) that it is worth it to try to work out your relationship when children are involved.

Don't expect miracles, tho. You both have established certain patterns, so it will take time & effort to learn new ones. Also counselling to learn new communication styles will help. If you can't do counselling, I would suggest reading 'People Skills' by Robert Bolton. Your library should hold a copy & its an excellent book for improving communication.