HELP....Feeling Torn between Ex-husband and Boyfriend

[boldblondie]

I will try and not make this to long...here goes. I have been seeing my current BF for the last f18mo and seriously for the last year. We currently live with each other. He is so wonderful and seems to be everything I have ever wanted from a man. I have 2 small children from a previous marriage that he is great to, and we have the most amazing sex life I have ever had....so whats the problem right???

It's my ex-husband. I was married for 12 years in an unhealth marriage. He was a drug addict was incarcerated multiple times, He was wonderful during the first 2yrs of our marriage and after the birth of our first born he got very heavy in to cocaine use and it went down from there. He has been incarcerated for the last 2yrs and is scheduled to be released in 2month. I divorce just became final. The problem is that he is constantly telling me that he wants to win me back, and that is over drugs and that he didn't know what he had until he lost it, and that he wants his family back more than anything. My children (ages 5 and 8) have had a difficult time with not only their father being gone and incarcerated but with my new relationship as well. They are coming around now, and my current BF is great to them. I have consitantly told my ex no no no...that our marriage is over, but here lately I have had so many confusing thoughts....thinking what if he is really changed, I did love him very very much before the drugs, It just go to a point I could not take it anymore. Sober, my ex is great the problem is he has rarely been sober in the past. I would never imagine going back to him just b/c he "says he changed...they all do that in jail" But he keeps telling me he is going to show me....and that he will keep showing me until he has me back. He says he has to fight for his wife and children and that he wants his family and can not imagine being with anyone else. He said that he gave me the divorce b/c he wanted the sick marriage to be done and that he wants to start all over again when he gets home from the begininng and date and get to know each other again.

I am almost afraid that he has changed...b/c deep down I do still love him, even after all the terrible things he has done over the years, but now this after i moved on with my life and I found someone who has made me happy. Granted me an my current bf have some issues....his parents mostly. Basically his parents put him out of the family farm from b/c he was seeing me while I was waiting on the divorce papers, and I am not welcome in their house, and even though he continued seeing me against their wishes he still has never stood up to his parents for me and said to them " I LOVE HER" He is very non-confrontational and he avoids the issue all together with his folks which bothers me...we had a big issue over the holidays.

So back to my issue is that I am with someone who I care about dearly, who is great to my kids, but he is not my children's father nor will he ever be, and there are constant reminders of that. For example, we live together and we split the bills 50/50, but he made the comment to me the other day "I don't feel as if I should pay on the groceries you buy the kids" I got very upset at this as I am like "WTF...and your talking about marring me???" I am his first GF to have kids much less his first GF with kids that he has lived with. So in my mind its like a reminder that these are not his kids, their dad would never say that and I ask myself am I trying to make a family? My BF tells me he love me and the kids very much and that this is what he wants.

IDK I feel so torn emotionally right now....I have the man who treats me the way I always wanted to be treated--despite the few problems, otherwise we are great, and then I have the man who is the father of my children, who when not all geeked out of his head was a great person claiming a new life now and wants a family again. Of course what woman does not want to keep here family....IDK Im confused....I need some advice and direction please

[MerryH]

Neither.

...Uggh message too short to post. Ok, to add to that, don't pick the drug addict, they can never be trusted ever, but you're looking at someone else while you're in a relationship with your boyfriend isn't fair to him, etc etc. So neither. Be alone.

[Cinnabella]

This is hard situation. I would think that this is a 50/50 situation, certainly other men can't see your kids as their own kids.

Your bf sounds selfish about your children, which he shouldn't be if he wants a family with you, and with his parents it's going to be tough as you will meet them the future and you guys are going to get hard times, in those times I'm sure his family won't give such a nice comment about you. And especially with the guys that love his mum, they will be listening to Mummy lol.

With your ex husband, he seems missing the family that he once had, do you really trust he had changed his addicted? If he does, it's worth giving people the second chance, but hopefully he won't return to his addiction after you guys will be settle down to happiness again.

[reeba]

After 10 years of mariage I bet you have seen this 'song and dance' before from your ex. What makes you think this time is going to be different?

I can't believe you moved in with your boyfriend so quickly. Why? Perhaps you thought he would help keep you from going back to your ex? Perhaps you needed help financially and emotionally? Because the sex is good (hey, sex is usually better when you don't live with them)? And then obviously you two never had any talks about how to split the bills and how to manage your kids.

What is his share for half the groceries on 2 little kids? Maybe $25 a week? If he is resenting this, just wait for some real bills to come up. Either he can't do math and realize how little money he is complaining about, was just thinking outloud, or he is having second thoughts about this whole arrangement too and this is just one of his gripes.

Personally I don't think you should be dating anyone, let alone living with soeone. It isn't just YOU, you have 2 kids being dragged through this too. First figure out how to deal with your ex. Second date. And since you have kids, you shouldn't live with someone. Dating is stressfull enough on them. But making their actual home unstable as your current relationships is wrong. So third, move in with someone when you are actually marrying them in the very near future. Not when you are using them or just testing them out for marriage material.

[boldblondie]

yes, you are so right, I have seen and heard this dance before..of "oh baby I have changed, give me another chance" and I did multiple times and inevitably he ended up in a somewhere smoking crack and draining our bank account. I was emotionally and physically exhausted in our marriage. I was so co-dependent it was not even funny, My whole focus became "help him get better" until I realized I could not do that he had to and then i become so angry that he would not clean up. This is his fourth incarceration of a year or more, so basically almost half of my marriage he was gone, and when he wasn't gone he was high. My ex can be very manipulative and say's all the right things, which is why I don't put alot of into what he is saying right now. But I will say this, he does sound different now, after knowing someone for almost 14 years you know someone. And there is not a snowball's chance in hell that I would even consider the thought of going back to him immediately after his release, and he knows that. And even if he stays clean and becomes a responsible person and father, I am afraid that I will always be dis-trusting of him, wondering who or what he is doing, looking for any sign that he may be high. But, I ask myself....if he does stay clean and changes he life around for sometime after his release do I owe it to my children to try and make it work, and If I do then I am afraid that I may give up on someone who I love very much my BF. There are so many "what if's" ----

I do think my bf is also in a state of transition, he is adjusting to a ready made family. He has essentially been a 37 y/o bachelor, his longest relationship was only 3yrs, but none of these woman had ex-husbands and none of them had kids. And my kids love him dearly, right now he is their only father male figure in their life. I think that sometimes what I want is a family with him, but I don't want to push the responsibility of my children on him. He has just recently began taking a much more active role in their lives, such as disipline. But I am not sure what to expect of him. I know in my head it is unrealistic for me to expect him to treat them as their father would, b/c I realize that I do want him to just that. But then I ask myself, can the family that I want only be achieved by me and my husband raising our kids and of course that is only contingent upon the fact that he stays clean or can he my b/f be that? What should I expect from my BF, is what I want to unrealistic? I feel like sometimes if I choose to choose to stay with my bf and my husband does stay clean and has gotten his life right I may miss out on giving my children what they deserve both parents to raise them, but If I go back to my husband and he goes back to his old ways in a year or so from now then I may miss out on my current bf who may be the best thing I have ever had. I don't know. Still confused. And my bf has asked me to marry him, not formally with a ring yet, and I would like that eventually, but just not right now, I feel like I need to now that in 2 years he wont change like my ex did. I also, sometimes think that maybe I should have taken more "ME" time after my husband for me to sort out my emotions and work on healing me. But it's not like I can just go to my bf who I live with now and say....I need time to myself to sort myself out, and my bf is very good at listening to me and he allows me to voice my emotions and concerns and we are good at talking through them. I don't know what to do.

[dguywithabeard]

How about deciding not to decide for now? If your bf isn't pressing, keep the relationship going, since it's working well. It gives time for your ex to get out, taste the free world again and see how he does. Perhaps let him know that if he is so serious about change, he should start by not pressing you and waiting 6 months before he even mentions you two togther once he is out.

Feeling attracted to more than one person isn't a flaw. As long as you are faithful, give yourself the time to see how your emotions play out. I'd defintely invest in the bf for now.