Don't like my options.

[Tokyotiki]

I've been with my boyfriend since our last year of high school. It's been 2 1/2 years years now and is the first serious relationshi. Either of us have had. We used to be engaged but I broke it off after a huge fight and a slap in the face. We used to argue much. I'd get angry, he would listen or compromise and just say things to win so I'd want out. Everytime I want out he 1 tells me I'm quitting and 2 agrees to male the compromise we'd argued about. Makes me question the seriousness of his love, he just turned 20 and I'm almost 21. He only acts the way he should have when I act like I'm leaving. Wich created a horrible cycle.

The reason I want out is a simple fix that he can't fix it seems. I'm am extrovert , I love to be out and about and am a HUGE people person. He's an introvert and if he saw me once a month our relationship would be ideal for him. He'd rather play video games than hang out together or even have sex. Mostly bc we arnt married.

All I want is a boyfriend whom I can be with quite often and hang out with. I want my Lover/best friend I had the first summer we had together. Who wouldn't be happy Ina relationship where the other is always too busy to see you, or making excuses not to? He makes me feel like I don't hv the right to be upset about him not seeing me bc he's so stresses and busy with school work. He also is staying with his parents this summer and lives 30min away. When he goes to school in august he'll be far away still. And busier. It makes me want out, I either want someone new or no one at all. I don't like having to fill my time to forget that my man can't see me for a week.

I either leave and give up the wonderful future we had dreamed up, or I stay and deal with this. Wich is so hard to do, it's litterally torture to me. And being a woman his lack of sex drive makes me feel unattractive and him not wanting to see me often makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't think I'm asking much or him.

Any ideas, opinions or advice would be so much appriciated.

[TheTooya]

You can change your own life, but you can't truly change a person.

If you are not happy with him, well... you know what to do. It will suck, especially if you have strong feelings for him, but don't settle for someone who doesn't make you happy.

Good luck

[JackieNonson]

Hello Tokyotiki,

It seems you're pretty tangled up in this one. Your boyfriend reminds me a lot of my husband, so I'm going to assume that your boyfriend is more of a nerd-type.

My husband is a rather nerdy individual, a mechanical engineer. I thought I was a bit of a nerd, but he can tell me things that make my head spin. It seems that most women neglect or forget crucial information when it comes to dating nerds. I'm not sure how experienced your boyfriend is with past relationships, but I was my husband's first real relationship, of course he had little flings growing up but none as serious as the one we shared. He was immature, and I had to step back every now and then and realize that fact. I could tell he really did care about me even though I had to pound him with questions to get him to open up about certain things. Here's some things I learned about dating nerds from the relationship I've had with my husband of 11 years:

- They need their space (as much as it pains you to do, you'll be a lot happier if you leave them alone for a bit)
- They care about their schoolwork, grades, etc. Much more than your average person.
- They're horrible at arguments
- Repetition of questions/ideas/situations is generally very annoying to them
- They aren't good at saying the appropriate things in certain situations, meaning they're quick to take the logical "I'm right because, you're wrong because" approach
- They don't like to lose, that's just an intelligence/pride thing
- They get overly defensive when you become overly offensive
- Don't be so quick to criticize a hobby or behavior unless of course it's taking over their life, instead, join them and learn about it as well as encourage them to try out something you like. If you insult something they do, you insult a part of them, and that hurts deep.


Having dated my husband in both high school and college, I can tell you it wasn't a walk in the park. High school was much easier because he lived practically within walking distance, but when he got accepted to his college he was off to Virginia on scholarship while I was stuck in Michigan trying to get my own degree. I don't know if you know anyone who's been through college to become an engineer, but it's tough. My husband would call me all the time complaining about work, losing sleep, and also funny stories about some of the people he lived with (as well as how stressed out THEY were), but I think the majority of his stress came from the fact that he's the kind of person who would rather kill himself over an assignment than go to bed or dinner. He has a different kind of work ethic that has taken me years to understand. From what I read in your post, I see that your boyfriend might have the same mindset. Like I said in my list, the nerd-type prioritizes tasks in a way that will put something like school work at the top. I mean, afterall, it's his career. He's taking the initiative to become a breadwinner, but unfortunately he's putting too much emphasis on one thing and not enough on everything else, yourself included. College was one of the biggest strains on my husband and I's relationship. He'd always answer my calls but it was difficult to get a conversation in that lasted longer than 30 minutes. I'll admit, I think I loved him a little too much in college, and I know I put him through hell, but in my eyes the feeling was mutual, intentional or not. Since he was in college out of state, I really only got to see him on the holidays, but his family didn't have much money, so plane tickets home were sometimes out of the question. Despite that fact, I'd still ask him all the time if he was coming to see me and he'd always sigh and tell me he didn't know and that he'd ask his parents. After a while I had to just step back and let him do his thing, he did the same for me so it was only fair. It pained me to only see the man I loved 4 or 5 times a year, especially when I saw all the other "happy" couples walking around my campus holding hands and kissing and what not. It killed me, it really did, but I knew that I wanted him and I was willing to do whatever it took to make the relationship work.

And about the video game thing, although my husband wasn't much of a gamer, he was majorly into Dungeons & Dragons in his younger years, and well, he would meet with his friends every weekend to play, sometimes even a spontaneous meeting or two over the course of the week. When he was in college, it didn't matter, but when he was in high school I would have preferred he spent that time with me instead of with his friends who honestly made me feel a little uncomfortable (super nerds!!!). But he wasn't playing every day and I just had to let him do it. That was his thing, and I respected it. And even though I didn't like him playing what I called "a stupid game" with his friends, I realized that something like that was his way of socializing, much in the same way I viewed socializing as going to parties and dancing with my friends. So we made a compromise. I'd learn about D&D and play it with him, and he'd come to a party every now and then.

I can from your post that you see a lot of fault in your boyfriend, and I apologize for your engagement not working out. And although I'd slightly agree that it might benefit you to break up with him, I don't want to be the stranger whose advice influences someone else's relationship choices. The last paragraph you posted said "I either leave and give up the wonderful future we had dreamed up, or I stay and deal with this." If this is truly something wonderful in the making, would you kick yourself for getting out of it? I don't know the whole story, but I don't think it would hurt to look at the introvert in him and try to find non-threatening ways to make him more of an extrovert, and to try to forget everything you know about socializing and apply it to him and his introvert behavior. Like I said, my husband, much in the same fashion as your boyfriend, is an introvert. He finds peace in sitting down in the basement watching tv. That's his time, I don't bother him. He knows not to call me when I'm out with my friends, so I don't bother him when it's important. His job is pretty stressful, and he's just recently come into a management position, adding to the misery, so I take a deep breath and let him do his thing, but only if he promises to do it within reason and give me some time during the week to be with him, even if it's just half a Saturday or watching a Netflix movie on a friday night.

Also, honey, if he doesn't want to have sex because you aren't married, there's probably a moral/religious debate with that one. I wouldn't recommend pressuring him to do something like that, just an fyi. Something like that is most likely something he grew up with, or a belief instilled by his parents, the last thing you want to do to someone like that is traumatize them or make them feel guilty because of that. That could also explain him not always wanting to come over, maybe he's afraid you'll want to have sex? If you know that he doesn't want to have sex because you aren't married, you shouldn't feel unattractive at all, obviously he thinks you're attractive if he's with you. Sex is important in some relationships, but it certainly shouldn't apply to every relationship. And if you feel that strongly about sex, then you should either talk to him or break up with him, but if you truly love someone breaking up with them over a subject like sex, especially if one person has a moral boundary keeping them from engaging in it, the relationship existed for all the wrong reasons.

Remember, this is just my advice. Take it like you want, but don't jump to decisions unless you're 100% sure in your heart and mind that what you choose is what you really want. Ignore the obstacles for a moment and look at the end result. Then, look back at the obstacles. Is it worth going through the obstacles to get to the end result? Can some obstacles be avoided? Can new devices be put into play to prevent future obstacles?

Is this relationship doing badly primarily because of him? Are your expectations sometimes too high? Or are they reasonable? Does your definition of "reasonable" and his match up?

I wish you the best of luck, Tokyotiki, I hope you make the right decision in the end

-Jackie


Also thanks for being my first post, out of boredom I decided to make an account on here through advice of my friend (I like helping others with relationship problems), and I happened to stumble upon yours. I see a lot of my husband in your boyfriend, and although I guess we both have some of the same complaints, my husband is a good man, and I don't regret a thing. I stuck with it and made a choice. It was tough, we almost broke up countless times over simple disputes, but in the end we realized and came to terms with the fact that we were two different people with two different opinions, but in a way, that works out for us. I don't think I could date another extrovert personality because I'd be too worried about him hitting on other people Maybe that's just from a bad experience in the past, but I abandoned my infatuation with the strong social types and went looking for some nice insecure momma's boys!

Send me a messagel if you ever want to talk, I'd love to hear from you, Tokyotiki.