I know I'm upset...but do I have a right to be?

[mdhurt2]

Okay I have been dating this guy for a little over four months and when we started dating he told me that there was this girl before me who he was head over heels for, but they never dated. He was hooked on this girl for over a year and finally gave up on ever getting with her. They have a history though. They were casual friends and he would go to a party with her and they would get drunk and make out a couple of times. But she never wanted to be serious. He thought he was in love with this girl. He told me that before he met me he was ALWAYS thinking about her, then he met me and it changed and he could go a whole day without thinking about her.
So we're dating now and we recently said I love you to each other, so it's serious.
But he still stays in contact with this girl. Not on the phone or in person, but through the computer.
I don't know if everyone reading this knows what facebook is, put it's like a online community (check it out facebook.com) but on facebook they "poke" each other back and forth and have been for almost two years and he says he doesn't want to stop poking her because they have been doing it for so long.
Then he's writing on her wall alot. More than he does with other girls who he's friends with. More than he writes on mine. In fact it's safe to say he writes on her wall more than anyone he knows.
Also, one time he was surfing the web on my computer while I was taking a shower. A couple of days later I used the History to check a site I visited and I noticed that when he was on that day I was taking a shower he had looked though her facebook pictures. I followed the path he took through each link and noticed he looked at a picture she was in with some guy hugging her, then looked at that guy's profile and his pictures. Doesn't that sound like something you would do if you were jealous? Check out the guys she's hanging out with?
Once we were sitting in an ice cream paurlor and he was talking about his best friends birthday and how he got really drunk. He said, "That was one of the best nights of my life." From past conversations, I knew that night was the same night he made out with the girl for the first time. I looked at him and gave him a look and he said something along the lines of "You know why don't you?" and I said, "Yeah" he tried to explain that it wasn't the only reason that it was a combination of reasons, but I knew he let is slip. I got a little upset and he said, "I'm not going to lie, I still like the girl. But I'm with you and I wouldn't leave you for her now."
My problem (after that long background story) is should I be jealous? I got the guy. He loves me. We're together. He never sees her nor talks to her on the phone, but I just feel that she is the one that got away and he's not moved on enough for it to be fair to me. I'm jealous of her (alot) and it bothers me everytime I see that he's messaged her, or looked at her pictures. I wonder if he thinks about her more than me sometimes.
Is it right for me to want him to stop contacting her because they aren't close friends and I'm jealous? If I give him that ultimative will he end up just hiding it from me and doing it anyways? Should I just suck it up and get over it?

[Gigabitch]

I'm afraid so. Relationships are hard enough when both people are available, and he clearly isn't.

Cut your losses and find someone else.

[mdhurt2]

don't get me wrong though...besides that our relationship is almost 100% perfect. And it's not something that comes up ALOT...only about 7 incidents in four months maybe? I don't want to throw away our realtionship over it, but I only wanna know if it's fair to tell him "her or me"? cause in most situations it isn't fair. I don't want to be unreasonable and selfish. Is that what I'm doing?

[Tigger_]

if he's spending his time with you just so he can take his mind off her, then thats definitely not right... he should be spending time with you because he wants to, and not because he wants to forget her... he should not be using u as a rebound girl..

[mdhurt2]

yeah...he had his rebound girl. Her name is Sasha...he hates her now. No, he said I'm the only girl he's met who could get him to stop thinking about her all the time. And I don't think he thinks about her THAT much. I just think there is this part of him that is holdin on a little bit...I thought about it and I think I'm okay. I do check my ex's profiles and talk to them every now and then. Maybe it's all the same.

[bluesummer]

Someone that would up front say to you that the best night of his life was the night he made out with another girl he is still obsessing over is NOT the person for you. I think you know this, but you really need to wake up and face reality.

WHY OH WHY would you settle for this? You could have someone who wants only YOU. Do you want to be playing second fiddle to someone else forever? My dear, let him go.

[bluesummer]

PS Seven incidents in four months is seven incidents too many.

Do you not see that he is disrespecting you?

[Tigger_]

me agrees with bluesummer... he's put it well...

[jMarkt]

mdHurt2, you and I are in the same predicament. Sort of.

When my girlfriend and began dating a year and a half a ago, I used to be the guy that was still hung up on my ex. But just like your bf, I didn't want to be hung up on my ex. My current gf did not like her at all and she was sort of acting like you, she was very jealous. Over time.. not very long though.. like 2 months I got over my ex because I fell in love with Lynn, my gf, and I let go of the other girl. At that time, she gave me an ultimatum to never talk to my ex again, but I didn't care that she did, cuz I had hated my ex by then.

So since then, I haven't spoken to my ex and Lynn and I are very happy together.

Although it has bitten me back in the ass a couple times cuz I've become very jealous the past couple months for some reason. But I'm sorting it out and we're doin great.

But anyway. In your case, I'm not sure what you should do... it has been FOUR months and he is still not over her. And blue summer is right.. 7 incidents is a lot in four months.

I think you should tell him how you feel and how it is terribly unfair to you. Tell him that if you are who he really wants then he needs to let go of the other girl and not talk to her anymore. If she he even hesitates then, he does not want to give up his obsession. So let him go.