Career vs. Relationship

[what_now]

First off I just wanted to say what a wonderful forum this is. Obviously I came here first with the intentions of seeking advice, but hopefully I can repay the favor in the future. With that said, I'm in a rather difficult situation and really need some advice from those of you who are older with more experience. I will try to keep it short, but please bear with me.

Background Info:

My ex gf (we broke up about a month ago) and I are both 21 and just graduated college. We were dating for basically two years and had very few problems. We spent almost every day together, not because we tried smothering each other, but genuinely enjoyed the company. The only arguments we've had was in regards to where we stand and our careers. We both received job offers which will start this summer but they're in different cities. I actually graduated a semester early and moved to the city where I was going to work 6 months ago, so we had been doing long distance up until now.

Our Breakup:

When I first moved, we decided to stay together. We loved each other and that was the bottom line. We agreed that we have a rough road ahead of us and we'll try to take it easy. Maybe a year or two down the line, if we're still together, one of us can try to relocate. About a month ago, I started to have doubts about the relationship; I distanced myself and eventually broke up. I didn’t doubt that I loved her, but I was just so discouraged by our situation. We're both starting jobs that require a lot of personal sacrifice (60-80hrs a week is normal), we're long distance, and there are just a lot of places where our lives will diverge. I know as we get older, the harder it'll be because of our jobs, business school, blah blah blah. It just seemed like it made sense logically for us to break up. I brought things up to her and she agreed to break up. We've talked about it before of course and the breakup was done in good terms.

What Happened After the Breakup:

We stopped talking for a few days but ended up talking again. Which of course led us back to being a "couple," just not the title. After a week, we decided to stop talking again cause we needed to try to move on. That attempt didn't go too well as we started talking again. Finally last week, we had a long talk about what's going on, what happened before, and where we stand now. This last talk was very painful for me. With the craziness between us this last month, I felt a renewed sense of hope and desire to get back together. I expressed to her that I love her and the past month made me a lot more open to the idea of relocating for her one in a few years down the line. Of course I'm not promising anything, but definitely more open to the idea. Unfortunately it seems I may be too late. I know when I was distancing myself, I really hurt her and I didn't realize it until now. She said that she loves me, but she already put her shield and can't have this conversation over and over again. I know the conversations of us and our future hurts her a lot, it hurts me a lot too. It really hurt me when she said she doesn't want to be together even though she still loves me. I understand and respect that. She said we needed to stop talking for a while so we can start talking again sooner or later, hopefully sooner. But I told her that it’s probably best if we just leave it be cause it's too hard to be half way in her life. So with that, we said our goodbyes.

Where It Stands Now and My Worries:

So that last talk was about a week ago and we haven’t spoken since. The past few days have been tough, but I’ve been keeping busy. With work, hanging out with friends, going out, I still manage to think about her and the situation. I’ve concluded that I love her and I really do want to be together. I know there are other girls out there. When I go out, I don’t mope around. I go and talk/dance with other girls, I flirt and whatever else. But I feel nothing towards them. I understand it’s a rough road ahead of us and the two biggest thing holdings me back are

1) Her career. She’s more career oriented than I am. I’ve done very well for myself (I’d like to think), but I grew up taking care of my personal life first and that’s what I’ll continue to do. I know if we were to get back together, I’d be the one visiting her a lot and maybe even the one relocating in a year or two. Do I mind? Not really. But I just don’t know how long I can live in the shadow of her career for? I love her, but I can’t just wait around for her to HOPEFULY one day decide to put me first.
2) I’ve never seen her “fight” for us. When we do have an argument about our relationship, I’ve found that I usually have to be the one that puts my ego aside to say hey this isn’t worth losing our relationship over. I have my own insecurities, but I’m also level headed and try to rationalize things first. But the occasional times where I felt like I really needed her to console me about our relationship, I didn’t get that kind of support from her. Rather than her saying she loves me and she needs me, she kind of went on the defense and tried to prove she was right? I know she doesn’t mean to disregard my concerns, but nonetheless it can make communication difficult.

I do love her and want to be with her. But in some ways I am being held back by my concerns and logic. At the same time, I don’t even know if our relationship is still repairable. I want to think of this as just a test of our relationship and love doesn’t really end that easily. But I also know false hope can be a dangerous thing. I don’t plan on making any rash decisions by any means. I’ve kept my distance, as I understand that its what she needs, and it’s personally what I need. But I do think I need to get a better sense of where I stand and if there’s still an “us” to go back to. Am I just being young and naïve in thinking that we can make it through? Maybe, honestly I’m not sure which is why I’m looking for advice. But I’ve seen couples go through some pretty tough times, and I’d like to think relationships are just a little irrational sometimes.

Thanks for listening and any insight you guys can give. I truly appreciate it.

Btw she's not my first love or serious relationship I've been in.

[Illusional]

i'll be honest, i kinda half ass read your post... but from what i got is...

your relationship isn't solid enough for to put your first. either that, or she's too driven to let anyone get in the way of her ambitions. with you being a pushover and always letting her take first place shows that she can push you around. she probably likes this idea because you'll bend to her ever need, and thus she can put what matters first. given the choice, do you really think that if you moved away she's choose you over her career?? i'll let you think about this one a while because i have an idea of what she might choose.

raverboy

[VincenzoG91]

A great relationship is worth more than any career, but a career is worth more than a so-so relationship, in my opinion of course. The part about her never fighting for your relationship, plus the fact that you are both still quite young... makes me think that you would both be better off moving on with your lives. It sounds like you two were happy together, but it wasn't that special to her compared to her career plans.

[RdHrshyKss]

he was the one to push her away first, so maybe it's just that she doesn't know if how he's feeling now will even last. this might be her protecting herself from getting hurt again. you guys are only 21, it's not fair to expect her to not put her degree to work for a little bit after she graduated. if she is becoming successful, props to her. she might be right, you might just be having feelings because you miss the comfort of being in a relationship with her. you might just need some more time to let go of the friendship/companionship you had. might be good for you guys to work on yourselves. concentrate on your careers for a bit and then see where things lead you. you don't have to be in a relationship right now, do you? or is it that you are afraid of the idea of her being with someone else? if you guys are meant to work out, then i'd like the think that it would happen for you when the time is right.

[IndiReloaded]

How long do you expect school to keep you apart for, longterm?

You can try an LDR, but it doesn't generally work out for more than a year.

Otherwise, you sound very sensible and reasonable. If she approximates you in this regard, I would say stick it out as best you can. It is far harder than you think to find reasonable, compatible partners that also match you intellectually and professionally. You both sound fairly cerebral: get some relationship books and try some of the advice. Work on better communication and address those issues about how each of your needs aren't being met. Stick to only major areas for now and see how it goes.

Good luck.

[what_now]

he was the one to push her away first, so maybe it's just that she doesn't know if how he's feeling now will even last. this might be her protecting herself from getting hurt again. you guys are only 21, it's not fair to expect her to not put her degree to work for a little bit after she graduated. if she is becoming successful, props to her. she might be right, you might just be having feelings because you miss the comfort of being in a relationship with her. you might just need some more time to let go of the friendship/companionship you had. might be good for you guys to work on yourselves. concentrate on your careers for a bit and then see where things lead you. you don't have to be in a relationship right now, do you? or is it that you are afraid of the idea of her being with someone else? if you guys are meant to work out, then i'd like the think that it would happen for you when the time is right.

Thanks for reading everything. I was the one to push her away first and am now facing the consequences of that obviously. But I agree with you completely about expectations of career. She's work very hard to get to where she is and I wouldn't take that from her. I don't expect her to drop her career just to be with me, especially when we're this young. It'd be completely unreasonable of me to think otherwise, and same goes for my career. I wouldn't quit my job just to move closer to her. What I meant by relocation was more along the lines, if the time is right, one of us would try to relocate offices or find a job that is similar in pay/satisfaction/prestige/etc.

I thought about what you said and I think yeah I am scared of losing her, not necessarily to someone else but more our feelings for each other fading out. If her feelings aren't there anymore, then the idea of her dating other people doesn't really bother me. Of course it'll hurt, but that's expected. What I really don't want to happen is for us to both still care, but do nothing and just let it fade. That I know I won't have as an easy time reconciling with. At the same time, I know this isn't something to be rushed. If we were to get back together, I don't want to do it to mask the pain of breaking up, but because we genuinely believe being together is for the better. I guess it's just hard to find the line between rushing and waiting for too long.

How long do you expect school to keep you apart for, longterm?

You can try an LDR, but it doesn't generally work out for more than a year.

Otherwise, you sound very sensible and reasonable. If she approximates you in this regard, I would say stick it out as best you can. It is far harder than you think to find reasonable, compatible partners that also match you intellectually and professionally. You both sound fairly cerebral: get some relationship books and try some of the advice. Work on better communication and address those issues about how each of your needs aren't being met. Stick to only major areas for now and see how it goes.

Good luck.

Well it's not school right now, it's the jobs that we're starting. But I expect two years or longer of LDR with no foreseeable end. That's why I felt so discouraged a while back. I know there isn't much we can do because that's the way the corporate ladder works in the companies we work in. It's not until at least two years that you can realistic look to transfer offices or go onto other opportunities (unless you quit of course). Even after the 2 or 3 year "rotation," it's hard to judge. We both work in business and that often means business school, so who knows where that takes us. Like I said, with so many possibilities of our lives diverging, it got to me. I agree with you that LDR are hard and I know looking at the situation, it'll be a rough road at best. If we continue to put our careers first, there could never be an end to LDR until we break up. But we could also mutually come to the realization our careers isn't the #1 priority anymore, whether it's sooner, later, or never.

That aside, I really appreciate you saying I sound reasonable. That's one thing I've tried to maintain through all of this, because I've learned from my past. I never though about getting relationship books, but I think I will take a look into them even if this relationship doesn't necessarily pan out. Thanks a lot!

[RdHrshyKss]

^^ one of the best OP's i've seen in awhile .

sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are very reasonable. if you are open to the possibility of relocating (when it becomes possible for you, which could be awhile), i don't see why you couldn't continue testing the LDR out. in my opinion, it's better to try it out and have it fail, rather than to break it off without giving it a shot and regretting it later. who knows what the future will bring and isn't working in business flexible? i mean hours worked and stuff tends to be high, but there are tons of opportunities out there for you. who knows, maybe a better job will pop up near your gf and things will work out smoothly. what is your plan? work in the field for a couple years and then get your mba? or are you going to go for your mba right away? if you are going to wait a bit, maybe you could try to get into the same business school as your gf? that would bring you guys together again.

[Gigabitch]

The timing just isn't right for this relationship right now. I think you should let it go, with no hard feelings, and send Christmas cards or something to keep in touch. Don't try to be friends; that's not really possible with the hurt feelings and wanting to be together.

There is no reason whatsoever you couldn't get back together later and live happily ever after.

[IndiReloaded]

Try it out first, I suspect you will anyway. But if it looks like things are starting to go sideways, end it first like Giga says and keep the door open.

[Teddy057]

Whatever makes you happy man. To me, nothing is better than being in love and being able to spend time with a person who feels the exact same way as you do. Careers are also important, but you have the rest of your life to work and find jobs, true love doesn't always happen twice. Think about it.

[tonnywillgram]

This is very challenging for the both of you. But do try to understand each other..

[what_now]

^^ one of the best OP's i've seen in awhile .

sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are very reasonable. if you are open to the possibility of relocating (when it becomes possible for you, which could be awhile), i don't see why you couldn't continue testing the LDR out. in my opinion, it's better to try it out and have it fail, rather than to break it off without giving it a shot and regretting it later. who knows what the future will bring and isn't working in business flexible? i mean hours worked and stuff tends to be high, but there are tons of opportunities out there for you. who knows, maybe a better job will pop up near your gf and things will work out smoothly. what is your plan? work in the field for a couple years and then get your mba? or are you going to go for your mba right away? if you are going to wait a bit, maybe you could try to get into the same business school as your gf? that would bring you guys together again.

Working in business is pretty flexible. The company that I work for has offices all over the world, so assuming there's an opening it shouldn't be very difficult to transfer offices. But the same can't be said about MBA. If I go to do my MBA, it'll be a couple years from now. Problem is I probably can't get into the same business school as her (she's more qualified than me. haha). But I guess I should just try to take things one day at a time. And thanks a lot for your kind words!

After reading everyone's post and really thinking about it, I think I'm going to try to contact her. I'm much more sure about how committed I can be to the relationship and hopefully she'll feel the same way. I think the hardest part for me right now is not knowing what she's thinking, so I don't know how to think. If she still has feelings left and is willing to give it a shot, then I'm all for it. But if she still feels that it's not the right time, then at least I can have closure knowing how she feels and that I did what I could.

[all alone]

Well considering I am currently in business school as well and have had an internship at a busy accounting firm for 8 months, i can relate to trying to make your way into the work force. First damn you work a lot.. 60-80 work weeks?.. i only got 60 during tax season, never rly went above that. I guess my first instinct was that you two perhaps had poor planning. I mean if you are both working for huge companies, typically located in major cities, that you are both very qualified newly graduates.. so why couldn't both arrange to find work in the same city? From the sounds of it she has better grades then you, but it doesn't sounds like your a slouch at all.. maybe the quality of what you could find might not be identical.. I don't know, maybe its just me but i get the impression that this wasn't rly well thought out and discussed before you moved away.

Secondly, i will echo what some have said.. since you have gone through these speed bumps and currently are not in good standings with her, it will be hard to re-establish everything long distance. Break off for now, keep some basic contact or whatever.. don't be best friends with her by any means, but obviously you both don't want to rip the other out of your own lives. If things go well, maybe down the road you'll have a shot of starting from square one.. if not, well so be, your young, someone else will come along eventually.

[what_now]

Well considering I am currently in business school as well and have had an internship at a busy accounting firm for 8 months, i can relate to trying to make your way into the work force. First damn you work a lot.. 60-80 work weeks?.. i only got 60 during tax season, never rly went above that. I guess my first instinct was that you two perhaps had poor planning. I mean if you are both working for huge companies, typically located in major cities, that you are both very qualified newly graduates.. so why couldn't both arrange to find work in the same city? From the sounds of it she has better grades then you, but it doesn't sounds like your a slouch at all.. maybe the quality of what you could find might not be identical.. I don't know, maybe its just me but i get the impression that this wasn't rly well thought out and discussed before you moved away.

Secondly, i will echo what some have said.. since you have gone through these speed bumps and currently are not in good standings with her, it will be hard to re-establish everything long distance. Break off for now, keep some basic contact or whatever.. don't be best friends with her by any means, but obviously you both don't want to rip the other out of your own lives. If things go well, maybe down the road you'll have a shot of starting from square one.. if not, well so be, your young, someone else will come along eventually.

Yeah I would say between my job and some other side projects, working 60hrs a week won't be abnormal and same goes for her job. Anyways the location of our jobs definitely wasn't planned very well, mostly on my part. It wasn't because I didn't want to work near the same city as her, but on paper I'm not as "qualified" so I chose the city where I thought I had the best chance. It has nothing to do with me being a slouch, I just happened to be dealing with personal issues the first couple of years and didn't decide to do business until the middle of college. I'm sure as you know, it's gotten so competitive these days that the earlier you start, the better your chances. I did apply for jobs near her, but I received an offer that I couldn't turn down.

You know ultimately I can understand both sides of the coin. It makes sense that given our situation, breaking up isn't the worse idea. At the same time I feel like for how compatible/good we are, it really sucks that we broke up because of jobs. I honestly think we can see us being together if it was a couple years down the line no problem, which makes me think we really have something here. :/

[RdHrshyKss]

If she still has feelings left and is willing to give it a shot, then I'm all for it. But if she still feels that it's not the right time, then at least I can have closure knowing how she feels and that I did what I could.

good attitude to have. talk to her, see how she's feeling. if she wants to give it a shot, then give it a shot. if it ends up not working out, at least you know you tried...