A messed up girl has me messed up. Insight/advice would be APPRECIATED!!!!

[Chris_]

I would appreciate your take and advice on my current situation. I understand it's a bit of a read, but interesting nonetheless. It would mean a lot to me.

I started dating a girl about 3 months ago. I was introduced to her by a mutual friend of ours and was immediately attracted to her physically. The first couple weeks that I knew her, we would go out for dinner, go to the park and talk for hours on end. We had a great time every time we went out. I eventually asked her out. She was hesitant at first, because she had been in many rocky relationships in the past and didn't want to be hurt, nor did she want to hurt me. Things started taking a very noticeable turn for the worse within a month......

A bit about her:

- 24 years old.
- Has had troubles identifying and relating with people her entire life.
- Has lived in various places throughout Canada and South Africa.
- Readily admits she has troubles showing affection. Dad left her Mom when she was an infant. Did not grow up in a household where affection is shown. Mother has rarely told her that she loves her. Brother and her fought consistently, as did her and her mother.
- Works 40-45 hours a week, but feels emotionally and physically exhausted in doing so.
- Was recently laid off from her primary job.

About me:

- 28 years old
- Was recently laid off from my job of 4.5 years that was good pay, but not exactly my forte and sometimes worked 90 hours a week.
- Just landed a very respectable job about 2 weeks ago. Something I've wanted to do forever. Something I can look forward to do every day. Decent paying job/title.
- Have been in quite a few relationships with girls that have mental instabilities (clinical depression, Manic depression, etc)

Within a month of us officially dating, she started becoming distant. Seeing each other for twice a week for no more than a couple hours. Her not calling me for days sometimes. Would be uncomfortable if I held, hugged or kissed her. We had sex twice in a 2.5 month span. Started yelling at me for very trivial reasons (Example: Me asking her why she wasn't a fan of her schedule that week) and would get defensive if I asked her simple questions. I did not meet her friends for almost 3 months, and when I did, it was one of the most disrespectful things I've ever encountered..... which I will get into shortly.

We had dinner plans this past Monday. She was to get off at 6:00, but didn't call me until 7:00 and then informed me that she was going to be even later due to how busy it was at her work. The reason she gave turned out to be false and i know this because two of my friends girlfriends/wives work at an associated place. I politely informed her of that, and she lost it. She cancelled our dinner plans, but then msg'd me 2 hours later insisting that she felt horrible and asked how she could make things better.

The following day, I was to meet her friends for the first time in 3 months. I didn't receive a message or a call from her all day, so at 6:00 PM I called her to ask how her day was going. She said her day had gone fine, but that she was getting ready to go to her friends birthday function.... which I was supposed to be invited to, and which she knew I really wanted to attend because of how important it was to me to meet both her friends and family. I asked if she wanted me to come, and she said it was completely up to me. I ended up going, and I really regret in doing so as it was one of the worst social functions I have ever been a part of....

I walked into the place, and there was a table of about 12, completely packed and without any room for sitting. I step aside to the bar and grabbed a beer. Upon arriving back at the table, my personal friend had grabbed me a seat between him and some guy I had not met before. My girlfriend had not said anything to me at this point, nor had she acknowledged me. Our mutual friend that introduced us to each other then took it upon herself to introduce me to everyone at the table. First up? My girlfriends ex-boyfriend. I had not been given a heads up or told before hand. She knew of this 30 minutes before my arrival, yet didn't think it was a good idea to inform me via phone, text or bbm.

We then decided to go to another lounge close by, as this one was completely packed and service was slow. I was the last to make it over to the next location, and upon arriving saw again that a seat had not been reserved for me. All in all, my girlfriend said 5 words to me all night/ over the course of 3 hours. A few of her friends mentioned to me that they found it strange and just plain wrong that she hadn't taken the initiative in introducing me to everyone, and especially due to the fact that she had ignored me for the majority of the night and paid attention to this group of friends which she had purposely avoided for the past 6 months.

I left early and told her we needed to talk. She asked if I was breaking up with her.... I told her I couldn't function in a relationship where there was very little emotion, intimacy and healthy dialogue.

*** People.... I can't make sense of what the hell happened here? Where did I go wrong? Where did the relationship go wrong? I put such faith into this when it started and to see it deteriorate to the degree that it did and to feel disrespected as I did again (and for the final time) on Tuesday..... I'm beside myself. I would greatly appreicate everyones insight as to wtf happened here.

[vashti]

Things started taking a very noticeable turn for the worse within a month......

Where did you go wrong? right there. ^^

you ignored the point in time when you were supposed to unload her.

Also, quit dating girls with mental issues. Can't you attract someone healthy?

[Chris_]

You're absolutely right.... but in retrospect. She had lost her job and I knew that things wouldn't be 100% peachy. I was taking that into consideration, and maybe I should've put that fact aside. Also, I haven't dated nothing but mentally unstable women. I've had a few long term realtionships with women that were great, but we ultimately going our seperate ways.

[Aphik]

Your situation sounds exactly like one I was in not too long ago. I was on the side your girl was on. I was dating a really great guy, but I treated him like dirt. I have since apologized to him. What was going on in my head? I'll tell you...

This guy was great for me and I knew it. However, I was still emotionally tied up with another man. I even slept with him a few times when I was dating the new guy. This other man was an asshole, and I knew it, but still I couldn't let him go. I was trying to move on from asshole, and I was using new guy to do it. It didn't work. Eventually, we broke up due to the same reasons you're talking about, and I had to work through the mess with the asshole alone without dragging another poor guy into it. I regret what I did, but I'm glad the situation ended before someone REALLY got hurt. Nice guy was crazy about me. Poor thing.

I was a bitch. I had no consideration for his feelings, only mine. I'm not saying your girl is tied up with another guy, but if she's treating you like that, she's not into you and probably never really was. Don't try to fix it. Get out. Find a woman worth your time who will love you as you love her.

[cmacattack1]

You're absolutely right.... but in retrospect. She had lost her job and I knew that things wouldn't be 100% peachy. I was taking that into consideration, and maybe I should've put that fact aside. Also, I haven't dated nothing but mentally unstable women. I've had a few long term realtionships with women that were great, but we ultimately going our seperate ways.

There are a million reasons to do things, but they aren't excuses. I don't know for how long I acted like your ex girlfriend, hiding behind my insecurities and flaws and using them to rationalize my actions when they were wrong.

You hear that she has been in many rocky relationships and I'm sure you can't help but wonder if SHE was the reason behind them. Like I said before, it's not an excuse. Maybe she's not ready for everything for the stipulations that come with a serious relationship. Maybe she's not over said ex boyfriend at the party. Who knows really what is going on, she doesn't want to open up to you and doesn't want to be honest.

Until she accepts responsibility for her actions and focusing on improving herself, she is going to just be in this endless vicious cycle of "rocky relationships". She has a bit growing up to do and she is in no way a victim no matter how much she believes she is. Too bad that all this time she is missing out on what could be serious, life changing relationships and something that could enhance her happiness. She is, however, unhappy with herself and will continue to be so until she really looks in the mirror and realize that change comes from within. I had to grow some balls and take control of my life and institute these changes and I still have a ways to go. She is going to have to do the same or she is destined for an unhappy, miserable existence.

Sorry you had to be a casualty in this and I can certainly understand your confusion and frustration, being somebody that doesn't open up or allow myself to be emotionally available to my past partners. Since she's not telling you whats going on (and more than likely I'm sure she doesn't even know, she's probably very confused herself), I think you can properly see what is going on with her through her actions. She's not ready for this relationship and that's really a damn shame. She's missing out buddy. You made the right decision though, not only for you for her. She is going to continue to lose out until she makes the changes. Losing something very important helped me want to make a change for the better.

[Chris_]

Thanks to everyone that has given their two cents thus far. I REALLY appreciate all the sound advice and insight. I'm sitting here hurt and this is the kinda stuff that I really need right about now.

I'm out of town tomorrow on my first trip w/ my new job. I have a lot on my mind with work, but everything having to do with her is killing me inside. It's doing a number on me more than it probably sure, and I really can't tell you why this one stings so bad.

My question for you guys is this: Do I move on and not say a word to her, or do I write her a final email and get everything off of my chest in a non-threatening manner. What's the best way to go about doing this?

[cmacattack1]

Ask yourself what do you honestly expect to happen after you write the email. Do you really think that all the sudden that is going to be what brings her to her senses and will magically fix everything and you guys can live happily ever after? There isn't really much you can or do to change her mind, she sounds really stubborn (something I was when I shared her attitude and outlook on life). Not to mention when you contact her, your emotions will be running pretty high and things probably won't go 100 percent as smoothly as you see it going in your head or maybe things won't come out like you want them to. And then you will continue to think about that and then want to contact her again, etc. etc. The best thing you can do is to find alternatives to going to her and talking to her to help you feel better about yourself and everything. She is the only person that can make you feel better and come to your rescue, but she isn't. So you have to resort to other ways to help your regain your balance and happiness on everything. Doing whatever it takes to make you feel better and not involve her directly or indirectly in the process. The longer you stay in touch and contact her, the worse off you are going to be as your attachment to her isn't going to get any weaker.