Phone calls to her ex

[scooterman]

I am engaged to a wonderful woman. We were high school sweethearts and then lost touch for over 30 years, but reconnected 3 years ago and are now engaged! She and her ex were married for 30 years. Obviously they have a very long history, and I know that although they weren’t great spouses to one another, they were very good friends………probably the best of friends. They also have an adopted son who is now 22 and going through a lot of challenges growing up, but he now has graduated from college and on his way to a career. I know that she and her ex talk a lot about their son and I have never had a problem when they would talk or she would call him, even if was just to talk about family matters or an issue with a mutual friend. I know that she is happy here and always showers me with affection. My little issue……….I know that they talk a lot and discovered recently that they talk more than I thought. Many calls are after she leaves for work in the morning and they talk anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes. It’s not every day, but at least a couple of times a week……..always after she leaves here in the morning. She has never hidden any previous conversations with him when he calls her at home, but she has not mentioned these phone calls on her way to work, although she has mentioned a couple of times that he called to talk about their son Before I ask her anything and put my foot in my mouth or cause an issue where there isn’t one……….I wanted a female’s perspective on this. Do I even bring it up or just let it go. I know if she was aware of me talking to my ex that often she wouldn’t like it………..but then we don’t have a child together to discuss. So am I being paranoid???

[michelle23]

30 years is a LONG time. They will always be connected to each other and not just because of their son. I mean she spent a lifetime with this man-all her friends are his friends, all her family are his family.

As long as there is no chance of her ever going back to him-Id say go ahead and marry her but Id say most people are emotionally unavailable after giving all their love to one person for so long. Are you sure she can give you all her love.

Also how did you and she get together? If it was through an affair-it will end in tears.

[heartpuff]

You should be honest to her about how you feel right now. I think that's the best thing.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

What the **** could they be talking about for that long, that frequently?

Don't marry her until you have an answer and a resolution you are comfortable with.

[Valixy]

It may be normal to be in contact with your ex when there are children involved, but doing this regularly at least twice a week between 20 to 40 minutes, it seems too much. You should speak with her about this.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

My parents divorced when I was 10. Both parents were still very involved, and have remained friends. They've never had contact anywhere near what your fiancee in having. This sounds sketchier the more I think about it.

[Wakeup]

Are they talking about the division of property or something similar? Op: You need to tell her what you've discovered and ask her plainly what it is that they are so embroiled in that they have to converse so often and for so long about.

It could be something very practicle for all you know but you'll never know and you'll only continue to be in doubt if you don't get it out in the open. Let her talk. If you can manage it, don't say anything and let her ramble. The longer you just look and listen, the more she will reveal... either through unintentionally or voluntarily.

There is no sense you waking up with angst every morning. That will only drive a wedge between the two of you that will be hard to extract.