Jealous of new girl at hubby's work

[MrsHis]

A new girl was recently hired at my hubby's workplace.

I hang out with a lot of my husband's guy friends. (I did before we got married - that's how I met him.) Anyway - when it's just the guys and me, and they're drinking, they talk pretty freely around me. I've never heard anything that bothered me before - just guys being guys.

However, I've heard about as much as I can stand about this girl. The guys all call her "Barbie" and talk about what she wore on such and such day. She's the only female employee and apparently wears mini-skirts, knee high boots and sheer shirts (I mean, they talk about what color her bras are) to work. The truth is, while I think it is a poor choice, I have no reason not to like her - she's been kind the few times I've met her. My jealous side makes me want to cut her down, but I'm trying to resist. haha

But all of this uproar about her - and the fact that she's the only co-worker my husband never mentions directly to me (which has never been the case with previous women in the position) - has left me INCREDIBLY insecure. He has only mentioned her looks once "Such and such's wife doesn't like Barbie, but its just because everybody is jealous of her." I mean "everybody's jealous of her"?!? Does he think she's J-Lo? (or whoever, I don't know!)

Now, I'm always wondering if he's comparing me to her and wishing I looked/dressed more like that. I've never been one to dress in skimpy clothes unless maybe we were headed to a night club. I definitely can't get all dolled up every day before work. I'm in a professional position I worked hard to achieve and my co-workers are mostly 50+ professional men. I rarely wear anything but neutral colored pantsuits - and it would be a problem if I did.

I'm obsessing over the weight I've gained since we married and working on that. (Lost 14 lbs since last month, lol) It's just that I will NEVER look like her, even if I tried. She's tall and slender and delicate. I'm short and thick. She's got tan skin and long fake nails. I have sensitive skin which eliminates tanning and acrylic nails. If I tried to apply the amount of makeup she wears I'd look like a clown - I just don't know how to layer it on that way. on and on and on... lol He has always said he doesn't like girls who look fake. In fact, I gave up having my hair colored and highlighted because he was always saying he didn't like dyed hair. I switched from red or pink nails to french manicures because he said he preferred it. (He hair is bleached and her nails are usually blood red.)

So, now I'm full of questions - Why does he think this girl is so hot, if that's really not his type? Is part of it because his friends think she's hot? Is it because she's half naked?

Do you guys think that his being attracted to her will affect how much he is attracted to me? It's not that I think he's cheating. He is just NOT that guy - it's that I'm worried he's just not as satisfied with me anymore. I'm absolutely sick over it. I haven't been jealous since we've been together, he's always made me feel loved and secure. But now, it's like I'm ten years worth of jealous. lol I think I'm over-dramatizing things in my head (keeping up with how often we have sex, thinking he hasn't complimented my appearance in AGES, you know, basically wanting to hire a plastic surgeoun, a personal trainer and a full-time stylist.) goodness!

Do you guys think I should be worried? If so, what should I do?

[smackie9]

Whoa slooooow down. Here's a little secret about guys. They think of women in a different way than we do. Of course men will fantasize about other women...mostly about body parts tho....you know the usual, tits and ass and maybe some leg, but they don't have any emotional attachment like they have with their significant other. He isn't the one that is comparing her with you....you are. And most men in relationships are respectful to their spouse...that is why he didn't mention much about her because he knew it would make you feel uncomfortable....he wasn't protecting his ass, he was protecting your feelings because he cares about you.

In a way I feel sorry for her because I doubt she knows about the trash that is being said about her by her coworkers...even tho it's during miller time....it's rude and very degrading. And it was very disrespectful for them to talk like that around you. In my opinion women shouldn't have to be degraded like that if you are attractive, but men think with their penises and there is no control over that. But never fear this is just all new to them.....eventually the excitement will die down or she will find another place of employment.

Now for you....good on you to take an interest in getting back into shape and taking better care of yourself. I'm 47 and I know I can't look like a hot 20 year old. But I do take care of myself and my skin....it does pay off, so keep at it. Maybe suggest doing some healthy activities with your husband, like going for walks after dinner or short nature walks on the weekends, or even try indoor rock climbing....this will spice things up and get you two out of the old routine.

[MrsHis]

Thank you - you actually made me laugh when I'm up at 3 a.m. obsessing!

[smackie9]

LOL omg yer too funny! I totally understand....we all obsess over how other women look and how we look....it's in our genetic makeup to be competitive with each other......just go out and buy yourself some cute shoes or purse....that's what I do!

[pisces25]

Do you guys think that his being attracted to her will affect how much he is attracted to me? It's not that I think he's cheating. He is just NOT that guy
I wouldn't worry then If you can say that with such certainty then this attraction is just that. No use beating yourself up about it. The way I see it is there are many attractive women out there and males will always look but they will only form an emotional connection with a very small number of women. This guy married you because he felt that and married you because of the way you look, move, speak, think, etc. The attraction was well-rounded, not just based on looks. If he does feel an attraction to her then this is a good test for the marriage. It won't be the first attraction for either of you in your life together. It is what you do with it that matters. Place the trust in him you vowed to on your wedding day and work on your own insecurities. Not changing yourself or your appearance but accepting yourself. That is the feeling of security.

[Yet another guy]

and the fact that she's the only co-worker my husband never mentions directly to me (which has never been the case with previous women in the position) - has left me INCREDIBLY insecure

Maybe he knows you well enough to know that you would be jealous of such a person so he doesn't want to talk about her to save your feelings.

I mean "everybody's jealous of her"?!? Does he think she's J-Lo?

It's quite understandable to be jealous of her. I mean he is daily surrounded by people of opposite sex who apparently find her attracrtive. Who wouldn't want that?

Now, I'm always wondering if he's comparing me to her and wishing I looked/dressed more like that.

Highly unlikely. Guys don't want their girl friends/spouses to dress slutty unless it's only for them.

Why does he think this girl is so hot, if that's really not his type? Is part of it because his friends think she's hot? Is it because she's half naked?

Does he think this girl is so hot? I don't think you mentioned in your post that he does.

If his friends find her hot, he might think that a girl like her would generally be considered hot but that doesn't mean that he finds her hot personally. In fact by your description, I don't find her attractive either. Tall, slender, delicate, tan skin, acrylic nails, lots of makeup, bleached hair... every single thing on that list is a major turn off for me or at least something that doesn't make a difference.

(Half) nakedness definitely makes attractive people look more attractive than they would appear fully clothed.

Do you guys think that his being attracted to her will affect how much he is attracted to me?

No, that's not the way guys think.

You'll just have to get over your insecurity. There's no point in being jealous of her attractiveness since you have a husband who finds you attractive. Why wouldn't that be enough?

I doubt she knows about the trash that is being said about her by her coworkers

She would have to be quite stupid to be oblivious to the fact that wearing skimpy clothes would stir up a conversation.

[smackie9]

She is NOT oblivious about the attention, she is probably unknowing about the trashy content that is being talked about her.

[smackie9]

She's probably the type that thinks she's super model hot, but is just an over done "barbie". Sadly she was only hired based on the bosses erection.

[Yet another guy]

She is NOT oblivious about the attention, she is probably unknowing about the trashy content that is being talked about her.

What I meant is the she would have to be stupid to be oblivious to the type of attention she gets. Trashy clothes, trashy talk.

[Yet another guy]

Furthermore, even if she really doesn't know, she probably wouldn't be upset if she did. I know I wouldn't be upset if I learned that people discuss the colour of my underwear and other clothing choices and call me attractive behind my back.

[smackie9]

Well we don't know her nor do we actually work there so it's only based on ones perception by the info we have received.

[smackie9]

Furthermore, even if she really doesn't know, she probably wouldn't be upset if she did. I know I wouldn't be upset if I learned that people discuss the colour of my underwear and other clothing choices and call me attractive behind my back.

yer a guy.....you would love women if they were talking about your penis size too. For women it's degrading....but it's all a different perception. She sees her self differently than what those guys do.

[falnangel]

She's probably the type that thinks she's super model hot, but is just an over done "barbie". Sadly she was only hired based on the bosses erection.

Haha.. likely the truth. (Boss's erection)

[MrsHis]

Thanks everybody for your input.

I really just needed a little reassurance from the male point of view. While I have a lot of male friends, I didn't want to talk to them about this because A) They're mutual friends. They know everyone involved and it would be awkward. B) They're my friends and they'd automatically say everything is okay. lol

Just to clear up two things that weren't clear in my post -

1) Yes, he thinks she is hot, too. He hasn't said anything degrading about her, but when she first started he did comment that she was pretty and "dressed up" a lot.That's VERY unusual for him.

2) It's not like she dresses like a stripper. It is a sheer shirt OR short skirt OR lots of cleavage on different days. Not all at once. I think she is excited because this is the first job she's had where she could dress up at all. I think she wants a little attention, but I doubt she realizes quite how she looks in contrast to the rest of a construction company.

You guys are right, though - I need to work through my own insecurities. It isn't his fault or hers that I'm feeling this way.

I just keep imagining him working with her all day, and then when I come home thinking "Oh, its the grey pants suit and french twist again. How boring..."

My insecurities aren't his fault and I know that. The last big breakup I went through, though, was when my guy of over six years left me for his secretary. I think this situation is just rubbing old wounds raw.......

[imagineallthe]

if he EVER choses you over a dolled up face like hers, then don't you be sad. It's not your fault a penis head can carry more action than their real ones. You sound cute, humble, an amazing wife etc. with her own persona. Wether you two divorce in ten years (over something completely different than a secretary), then don't worry and don't look down on yourself! If you stay together for the rest of your lives, then don't worry and don't look down on yourself! You're unique and it's such a cliche to say it but it's true. :-)