To Move On or Not? I need help...

[furiouspsych]

Wow, I was a member here in 09 over a different girl. I still miss her at times�.

Anyway. Let me keep this as brief as possible so hopefully I can get a lot of feedback. Dated 9 months. She's rich, I'm lower-middle class. That's only important b/c I'm on a budget and she's the type that wants the man to pay for everything. I've always dated girls that offer to pay for meals and such, even tho I don't let them. She has never busted out her purse to offer to pay. That's not the issue tho. She's gotten frustrated at times b/c we don't do enough "activities." I've said we just need to schedule them, b/c I forget if it's not brought up�and we do something every weekend when we see each other�we've only stayed home when snowed in. We live 45 mins apart, her in the city and me in the burbs. She's wanted me to work and live closer to her. She makes 10x what I do, so my job is the disposable one and I want to change jobs anyway.

We see each other on weekends. We had a great weekend together a couple weeks ago. The following Monday, we got frustrated on the phone when talking about me making no progress to finding work in the city. I tend to shut down when things get frustrating, so we got off the phone without any resolution. We've never had a yelling-type argument tho. We didn't talk besides some texts about our sick fathers for almost 2 weeks. It really grew into something it shouldn't�but it also revealed something...

I finally broke down and called her last Sunday. She acted like she didn't even notice we hadn't talked for 2 weeks, and said she didn't feel the need to call b/c she doesn't want to repeat herself and I know what she wants. I do�she wants me to live closer and she wants to do more activities. We talked about meeting face-to-face to discuss things, but I can't get past the fact that if I hadn't contacted her, we likely would've never spoke again. And again, we didn't even have a real fight that started this.

So I haven't set anytime for us to meet. She was so loving, so I can't relate to how she can move on so easily and seemingly forget me, especially when we got along just fine the last weekend we were together. She'd been as attached as ever, not pulling away or signs of wanting to split. She stays very busy as a business woman with a vast social life. I'm stuck at home or work with my thoughts.

I should point out that I'd pulled back a bit at times and had thought of ending us b/c she frustrated me with wanting to go do things that I have to pay for. I can afford these things, but if I'm going to move to the city, I need to save more. I always loved cuddling on Sunday mornings until noon�and she complained of staying in bed too long and not getting out for more "activities."

I should stop there. I have to get back to work and the longer I make it, the less people will respond. So in short: 9 months of love with some frustrations, sudden 2 weeks of NC with each other, she doesn't seem bothered by it if we split, so now despite my hurt, I don't know if it's worth trying to make it work�.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Forget about her like she has you, and start moving on.

[smackie9]

Dude you are not compatible, this is why things are getting frustrating. Breakup with her so you can stop wasting your time. Just accpet it's not working out and there is nothing wrong with calling it quits. Life goes on.

[furiouspsych]

I really wish it were so easy for me to forget BackUp. I really do…

Smackie9, why do you say we're not compatible? Everyone thinks we're a great couple. The areas I see us not being compatible are energy-wise b/c she's always on the go and I'm laid-back, and finances is the other area. She's adjusted her expectations to my income level. Her exes took her on vacations, I take her to dinners, plays, etc… She accepted that. I feel it's my fault for not working harder to find a job in the city. It's not like I'm a bum, I do have a master degree and decent/respectable job. She's actually rich tho..

Still, despite any previous issue, the main thing for me now is her lackadaisical attitude at us suddenly not talking. I understand that she wants what she wants, but to walk away after all this time without even discussing things? This chick has blown my mind the entire relationship…never met a girl like her…in both good and bad ways.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I didn't say it was easy. You just do it. Maybe not actually forgetting about her, but focusing on other things and give up hope of this shitty relationship getting back together.

You have refused to give her what she wants from the relationship, so she checked out. Good for her. Don't waste your time analyzing how she moved on so quickly.

[smackie9]

She has certain exceptions you can't fulfill,....that is incompatibility.

[furiouspsych]

She contacted me this evening, wanting to meet up tomorrow for dinner. I already have plans so i told her I couldn't. We mentioned meeting another time and left it at that.

I feel better knowing I wasn't totally forgotten. I'm just struggling with all the alone time post-breakup. I'm actually still not sure if it's ok to date…idk if she considers us broken up or not. 9 months and we never switched our FB status, so there was never emphasis on "relationship status" anyways. Weird relationship, hard to describe.

[Valixy]

Being together for 9 months and aware of the fact that she has much more money than you, she should at least contribute to paying for the meals and other things you do together. The fact that she never does says a lot about her character and her expectations in a relationship. I doubt she is the right person for you (or for most men) or that you'll ever feel with her as comfortable as you should with a real potential partner. Her self entitled attitude is not the right base for you to feel that you have to transform your life in order to adjust to this relationship. Your life is fine the way it is and you should follow your own rhythm. Unless she meets you half way, the changes she suggests sound pretty selfish to me. A partner without the right values can't be the right partner, imo.

[michelle23]

I agree with valixy. You have worked hard for your masters degree. You live a comfortable lifestyle in the suburbs. I assume you were happy with that until she told you "its not good enough".

We are in the middle of a scary recession. If you have got a decent job-hold onto it and find a woman who is happy to be "middle class".

[Wakeup]

She's an entitlement princess and you're her current frog that has yet turned into a prince. Reading about her makes me wanna smack you on the nose with a rolled up newspaper for allowing her to be who she is. How will you ever keep up to her because she's the type (by all accounts) that when you have satisfied one complaint she will find another one to keep you jumping through her hoop. Speaking of which, my guess is you stay for her "hoop" and not much more. Surely you don't stay because you like never being able to really satisfy her complaining self.

Good luck with walking on eggshells with her, you're going to need it.

[furiouspsych]

Great advice guys. I must be making the relationship (and her) sound worse than it is tho. True, she has a princess-like attitude. She's acknowledged it and done her best to adjust. She's had money her whole life. She came from China 10 years ago, but her parents were well off. She started a business helping other Chinese people come to the US for college and things took off, so she has earned hers. I respect her business mindset & admire her hustle. She wants to "better" me and help me be more successful. Even with a master degree, I'm barely scraping by so I do need a better job…social work is obv not a high paying profession. She's always dated guys that make 6 figures & spoil her, so dating me's been an adjustment for her.

That being said, I'm not in the same place financially (understatement) and I get tired of talking about business sometimes. The biggest issue to me is still the 2 weeks of no talking and her lack of care about that…until she called Friday, I didn't think she cared at all. Today is 3 weeks since we've seen each other, tho I'm just as guilty for that by not contacting her.

There's another potential date I can have, a gal I briefly dated but stopped when me and my gf started going steady. I need to make a decision by Thursday b/c the dreaded V-day is Friday. My friends pretty much want me to get rid of the gf too and date this other girl. I admittedly still have a strong attraction to my girl tho. Her success and positive, upbeat attitude (aside from the complaining, which isn't as often as I must've made it seem) is a turn-on for me. I'm definitely leaning towards moving on though…as tough as it is.

[smackie9]

The thing is your GF is trying to make you into a guy that will make 6 figures....that is what she is pushing for. It's the sad truth. There will be a day when she will see that it's never going to happen and she will want to move on anyways.

As for Valentines day....take the day off. You are not obligated to be anyone's valentine.

[Mattiemae]

Fortunately she has been brought up to believe money and materialism is love and happiness. Most of the upper class are money and materialism driven. Fortunately they never truly find happiness, because money is always their focus. Unless they have personally done the work from rag to riches they don't learn the valuable life lessons that you truly have to be rich in your heart first. Money is not evil, nor possession, but when you value money and materialism over a human being it says alot about someone's character. Upper class people don't care about emotions and feelings all the time, it's more about what they can conquer and what they can get. Like I said, there are two different paths of the rich, the one's that have done the work and learned the life lessons, and the one's that are the children and get spoiled and given everything on a silver platter that never truly learn the value of love and relationships.

These people often end up being alone at the end of their life because they have manipulated others, taken, and even stole from others to keep their status, finances, and materialism. It's a pity, to have so much money at the end of your life, but you've ruined every relationship you have because you had to be greedy. I've met some of the richest people being a nurse aide, and the thing is the most loving and richest people are the one's that value each other over money and materialism. They are the ones that have been together through rich or poor, and their finances were always going and up and down. But love is what glued them together.

[furiouspsych]

Great points, thanks! I'm not obligated to do anything on V-day, I just don't want to be alone...especially in a fresh breakup. I'll admit that a big part of my issue is simply adjusting to the loneliness after a relationship. I'm so impatient at times...and that's given me a bit of a dilemma.

So I asked the potential date if she has plans for v-day and she already does with a "friend." I know through our mutual friends that she's single, but she's on the dating sites and likely has a date Friday. It could be a friend, but there's a good chance it's not. (and good for her, I'm not trying to say anything negative about that) So me and "my girl" (I'll address her as that to avoid confusion) talked later tonight and set a time to meet on Friday to have dinner and talk. I'm 75% sure that moving on to date others is the best thing to do. So barring any revelations that will reveal we can make it work, it'll finally give us official closure. The feelings for "my girl" are my only worry...that I won't be able to close it off and end it Friday if she really shows that she wants us to work it out.

THEN, the other girl text me saying she is free Saturday and she's not dating anyone seriously. I'm going to be a real jerk to that girl if I work things out with "my girl."

Mattie, I can see what you're saying. My girl is more driven by business/finances than emotions. She's def not the manipulative, thieving type tho. She's a sweet, good person that's just use to her lifestyle. I wouldn't mind being a 6 figure earner of course. Idk that she expects me to make that much, but we both know that I need to make more than what I am now if I ever want to start a family. She could support us on her own but has a strong mindset that the man be the provider.

I will say, she does equate what I buy and do for her as a measure of how much I care about her. Yet, using her own standards, she's never spent much on me. I never want people to spend much on me for Christmas but was concerned she would way out-spend me...she ended up getting me a belt. It was a nice belt, but yeah... She asked me for Ugg boots, which are $100 minimum. Yet again, when she met my family, she brought small gifts for each person. I believe that's a Chinese tradition to give gifts upon meeting people. She's actually spent more on my family members than me, strangely enough.

So I have the rest of the week to make my mind up 100%, including the talk with my girl. I don't want to set a date for Saturday with the other girl until I know for certain I'm moving on.

[michelle23]

You are still in a relationship. It was wrong to text that other girl. You need to get over your fear of being alone. You will keep jumping from one relationship to the next and keep settling for second best if you dont conquer that fear.

Love is not an interview process-nor is it like finding your next meal. you need to be happy and confident in yourself and over your exes before you meet someone new and even then you should only pursue that coz you connect with her and see it going somewhere

When you choose a mate out of fear of lonlieness or insecurity you will keep ending up with ms wrong