Advice about young marriage

[Todd2013]

The reason why I feel so down is because I am basically mentally abused. My wife has lied to me behind my back, she has cyber cheated on me multiple times now and she expects me to suddenly feel better without her comfort. I have tried speaking to her multiple times. to tell her why I am so edgy and paranoid when she goes out. We even got a new place last week to try do a fresh start. I have caught her masturbating on her own behind my back yet in the past whenever I have tried to make a move it is a big effort. I am only 23 so my sex drive is still pretty high.

Right now being with her, I don't feel like my self. When I met her at 18 years old, I was really outgoing, went out drinking all the time and had loads of fun. Now. I just feel insecure,pathetic and more. When I have tried to speak to her about how I feel, she calls me weird,idiot and other names. I pretty much get put down everytime. I am the one that is always given into her when arguments start from conversations I try to have with her about stuff.

I tried asking her tonight what I can do to improve in terms of our sex life and she just got angry and told me I am weird for asking stuff like that. I tell her,
I have been trying really hard lately by doing some kind of housework, doing stuff she needs done but I get nothing in return of love and affection. All she seems to do is text her mum and friends not paying any attention to me. Honestly, I am one of these people who try and make other people happy. I have been successful in terms of my own business, I work for my self and make a good living. The only thing is that I get put down in my marriage life. This is not even fully about sex, I don't get that random love and affection I expect.

I also asked her before we moved. I said can we just have the first week of moving to be about us. Spending time together, unpacking, doing whatever else. Enjoy ourselves. This never actually happened. She has had her friend over 3 times this week. She has been out doing her own thing most days, meeting up with friends and so on. Leaving me home alone like before. I also have to put in that, my friends over in Canada, I moved further from them. So I have moved two times for her to where she wants further away from friends. When telling her, I thought this week was about us, her reply was "You can't always get what you want."

Honestly, I am broken down. I am from England and moved to Canada to live a life with her here. This is why splitting up with her is a big choice for me. I know doing so will mean I won't ever turn back. I am already getting new passport as my old one got ruined ready to move back because I am I feel like I have nothing here anymore. I honestly am at this feeling of not caring where I am or if I am alone. I guess the loneliness is what makes me try work things out with her all the time. It just seems like it will never be worked out, no matter how hard I try. I do love her, we have been together for 5 years but she has turned into a completely different person I met 5 years ago and I am probably different now as well as I have been put down very low.

The other reason why I am mentally drained is because she is happy about getting stuff for our place, having this fresh start and everything but I still don't get this vibe of love and affection from her like I used to.

Apperently, me going online and finding advice is also strange to her but her in the past finding guys and talking dirty to them isn't? I dunno, I feel like it is always one way and I am to the point of not knowing what to do...

I could write a lot more and this would probably turn into a book but here is a small example of how I am feeling right now.

I could really use some good advice because right now I don't feel like I have anything but my work.

[FlaCooln]

So basically you are feeling unloved, unappreciated, and lonely. You seem like the giver in the relationship and her the taker. You have probably given so much that you feel like you don't have anything left to give, used up, and even depressed.

You could try a last effort and talk to her again and even suggest counseling. But, to be honest she seems very selfish and does not care about your needs at all. So it may not do any good. I felt the same w/my exGF of 5 years and the best decision I ever made was leaving her. It took me almost a year to do it, but I am so happy I did.

Sometimes you got to do what is best for you. She loves herself more than she loves you and I'm sure that kills you inside. Your happiness matters and she may never make you happy.

[basilandthyme]

Todd, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. I guess the first question which must be asked is: does she want to make this marriage work? Because unless both of you want the marriage to improve, it's not going to happen.

I also have to ask if you ever stand up to her. It sounds like she's been treating you as a doormat and you've let her...and now she's lost respect for you. For what it's worth, I have the ability bulldoze a man...so I really like and respect a man who stands up to me and says "no" if I get too demanding.

[michelle23]

OP I dont think you should even try anymore to make this work. You sound beaten down and crushed by her. Shes abusive and has no respect for your feelings. Your only 23. you have your whole life ahead of you and you shouldn't stay where you are so miserable.

I would consider her cybersex cheating and you should not be putting up with that.

I think you should go back to England, surround yourself with family and friends, build your career there, join a few hobbies, exercise, eat healthy and even get some counselling to help you heal emotionally. You should stay away from women for awhile and focus on yourself. In time you will be ready to meet someone who is the opposite of her. You are older and wiser now and you must try to avoid making the same mistakes again.

Your story makes me sad. Its not right to feel so unloved and you have tried and tried to tell her how you feel and she bullies you-calling you names and making you feel worse.
And the lack of sex and rejection probably hurts a lot especially when you have caught her online so much.

I dont think she loves you, shes selfish and I think you can do a lot better. Dont let this crush your self-esteem. You are worth more than her.

It sounds like there is no affection, intimacy, sex or trust. And there is also no communication coz even when you try to talk she will not listen and just puts you down further.

Best of luck to you. Stay strong and get the **** outa there soon!

[Todd2013]

So basically you are feeling unloved, unappreciated, and lonely. You seem like the giver in the relationship and her the taker. You have probably given so much that you feel like you don't have anything left to give, used up, and even depressed.

You could try a last effort and talk to her again and even suggest counseling. But, to be honest she seems very selfish and does not care about your needs at all. So it may not do any good. I felt the same w/my exGF of 5 years and the best decision I ever made was leaving her. It took me almost a year to do it, but I am so happy I did.

Sometimes you got to do what is best for you. She loves herself more than she loves you and I'm sure that kills you inside. Your happiness matters and she may never make you happy.

Yes I am feeling that way. I don't think I can talk to her, If I try she calls me loser. I have been upset as well. Sometimes if I shed a tear, she shouts "I hate it when you cry!"

Todd, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. I guess the first question which must be asked is: does she want to make this marriage work? Because unless both of you want the marriage to improve, it's not going to happen.

I also have to ask if you ever stand up to her. It sounds like she's been treating you as a doormat and you've let her...and now she's lost respect for you. For what it's worth, I have the ability bulldoze a man...so I really like and respect a man who stands up to me and says "no" if I get too demanding.

Does she want the marriage to work? She makes it out as if she wants it to work because she puts effort into some aspects of it but most of the time she will just sit there text friends and find excuses to go out for day on her own. For example, as I write this, she is texting. Yes, I do stand up to her but she does not care.

OP I dont think you should even try anymore to make this work. You sound beaten down and crushed by her. Shes abusive and has no respect for your feelings. Your only 23. you have your whole life ahead of you and you shouldn't stay where you are so miserable.

I would consider her cybersex cheating and you should not be putting up with that.

I think you should go back to England, surround yourself with family and friends, build your career there, join a few hobbies, exercise, eat healthy and even get some counselling to help you heal emotionally. You should stay away from women for awhile and focus on yourself. In time you will be ready to meet someone who is the opposite of her. You are older and wiser now and you must try to avoid making the same mistakes again.

Your story makes me sad. Its not right to feel so unloved and you have tried and tried to tell her how you feel and she bullies you-calling you names and making you feel worse.
And the lack of sex and rejection probably hurts a lot especially when you have caught her online so much.

I dont think she loves you, shes selfish and I think you can do a lot better. Dont let this crush your self-esteem. You are worth more than her.

It sounds like there is no affection, intimacy, sex or trust. And there is also no communication coz even when you try to talk she will not listen and just puts you down further.

Best of luck to you. Stay strong and get the **** outa there soon!

Thanks, I have come close to doing it. The main thing is pushing myself to get that plane ticket and go. It is hard to throw away a 5 year relationship.

[FlaCooln]

Ur not happy and you need to move on. It will be a HUGE relief once you do, like no being able to breathe again.

[VincenzoG91]

Think of this as a starter marriage. You didn't mention kids, so I assume there aren't any. Anyway, you got married too young and it didn't work out, so just get a divorce and get on with life. Think about what you learned from this relationship and then start dating again, a little older and a little wiser. Eventually, you will meet somebody who is more suitable for you.

[HeheMan]

She is an abusive spouse. You should divorce her and remove her from your life as quickly as possible.

Also stay away from marriage in the future. It's a raw deal for men.

[Princess Kiara]

Not with the right girl, it isn't. Case in point: my parents have been happily married for 16+ years, with three kids, and my dad is just the most spoiled guy in the world. And my mom is just...awesome. They truly love each other. It's just a matter of finding the right partner.
As for the original question, I think you should perhaps (if you really want to do so) give her one more chance, tell her honestly that you are thinking of leaving because she isn't caring for you as a person. If she's as selfish as she sounds it's unlikely she will change, but at least you've given her enough chances. If she doesn't change then you should leave, find some real girl who will respect you. It will hurt as you've been with her for five years and it sounds as if you truly love her, but time heals all wounds. Give yourself some time to forget, then go out and find the girl of your dreams.
Here's a bit of a favorite song of mine. I find that music often helps soothe frayed feelings.

Your love is pure, your love is bright
But in the end it wasn't right...
Let it go, have no regrets...
Erase it from your mind
Erase it from your soul
Erase it from your past
Erase it all...
Don't be sorry...

All my sympathy and the best of luck to you!

[Boisdevie]

It is hard to throw away a 5 year relationship.

Well, if she's treating you like sh.ite then it should be quite easy to walk away.

[HeheMan]

Not with the right girl, it isn't. Case in point: my parents have been happily married for 16+ years, with three kids, and my dad is just the most spoiled guy in the world. And my mom is just...awesome. They truly love each other. It's just a matter of finding the right partner.
As for the original question, I think you should perhaps (if you really want to do so) give her one more chance, tell her honestly that you are thinking of leaving because she isn't caring for you as a person. If she's as selfish as she sounds it's unlikely she will change, but at least you've given her enough chances. If she doesn't change then you should leave, find some real girl who will respect you. It will hurt as you've been with her for five years and it sounds as if you truly love her, but time heals all wounds. Give yourself some time to forget, then go out and find the girl of your dreams.
Here's a bit of a favorite song of mine. I find that music often helps soothe frayed feelings.

All my sympathy and the best of luck to you!

You've got some romantic ideas, and you're young, so I won't shit on them.

But I'll say this:

Most people can't even find their own car keys, let alone "the right partner".

[Wakeup]

It's quite easy to find the right partner if you don't ignore red flags (flags like for one e.g.: ignoring the fact a guy cancelles weekend dates because he has a sick family member lolzz) and get out before you're in too deep. Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to kiss every frog before you meet your prince, or princess.

[michelle23]

I wonder which woman broke hehe man and turned him into a cynical old fart way before his time. Lets hope the OP is more positive and wonr let ONE bad experience with ONE bitch make him think were all bad.

OP i no its hard to throw a long term relationship away but you have nothing left to fight for. Its broken. Your hurting all the time and you know the best thing to do is leave.

If you really want this marriage to work and want to give it one last try then my advice is to pack your bags npw and go to a friends house. Sit and wait and bide your time till she crawls on her hands and knees and begs you to come home. Then the power will be in your hands and you can tell her straight what needs to change and also demand marriage counselling.

I still think you hould just leave and never look back but there is the other option if you want it. You can stand up and show her that shes gotta star showing you some respect or else she will find herself single. Right now she has your balls on a chain around her neck and she thinks your a doorma. Show her that your NOT! t