When to stop the bleeding...((long...sorry))

[Jeblina]

I've been very happy in my relationship until recently. My boyfriend and I are currently living apart, but plan on moving in together in the very new future (I just bought a house and am renovating it right now...when it's done in a few weeks, we'll move in). But his actions of the past few weeks have made me very hesitant to want him and his daughter to move in with me and my daughter...

He went to rehab a few months ago, and came out doing great.....moved in with his grandma because he knew that would be a drug-free environment for him to live in until our house was ready. Things were great. We saw each other when we could...and he would come stay over at my mom's house when she went out of town on business.

Then his friends started coming around again....not very often at first, then more and more frequently. I caught him smoking pot once, and gave him the ultimatum....drugs or me. He said that I was more important to him...so I just sat back and watched. All seemed well.

He got a great job making great money that he was really excited about. He told me (all proud of himself or something) that he had passed the drug test. Great. The job lasted two weeks...he called me one morning and told me that he had been fired for being late...that the company frowns on tardiness and they let him go. The story just didn't sound right...but I just sat back and kept on watching.

I was up at the new house working a LOT, and he started going out with his friends every night...not calling me until 1AM to say goodnight. I got fed up and told him that I felt like his friends were more important than I was, and I was pissed over the fact that I was busting my ass getting OUR house ready, and he didn't even offer to come over to help. He said he was sorry, and he'd change...

The next two nights, he went out with his friends...when he finally called me, I told him that something had to change...that I was getting worn down and was at the end of a VERY short rope...that I didn't WANT to break up with him, but I didn't even feel like I had a boyfriend....and he was causing me unnecessary amounts of stress. He apologized profusely.

My mom went out of town again...and the day after we had our little talk, he showed up at my house, and surprised me with flowers. It was very nice...and we spent some time together. He then had to go back to his grandma's but told me that he'd come over later and spend the night with me. That never happened. His grandma told him he had to stay home because he was starting a new job in the morning...so he went out with his friends...

Last night, he was supposed to come over after he took his daughter out to dinner. He didn't call me until 12:30AM. I was mad, but too tired to want to get into it...I'm almost numb to the shit now.

I'm pretty sure now that something is going on...I have a feeling that he lost the great job because he had a dirty drug test...I want to call the company to find out why he REALLY lost the job, but haven't figured out the way to do it yet. The bad thing is, I'm feeling like I want to hang on for that little bit of financial security with the new house and all (I'm still studying, not working yet). And, when he and I are together, things are amazing.

He keeps telling me that things will change once we're living together...he wants to spend every night with me...he just gets so bored with his grandma that he has to get out with some people his own age. He says he's "just getting it out of his system" before we move in together. I'm not really sure how much I believe that...

So...when do I stop the bleeding...or do I just do more "wait and see"?

[Gigabitch]

I can't tell you anything you don't already know, but let me reiterate a couple of things:
1. You and your daughter are waaay more important than any boyfriend
2. You are very cute and you know you can do better
3. You don't need him. You're doing just fine.

[TAVS]

I hate you for beating me at every game in the Arcade.

That being said... you've never listened to us before; why do you keep asking us for our opinion?

This guy is a loser; you can do better. That's all we can tell you

[Gigabitch]

BTW, I think TAVS and Jeblina would make a very cute couple. Move to Colorado, Jeb.

[Jeblina]

BTW, I think TAVS and Jeblina would make a very cute couple. Move to Colorado, Jeb.

I believe that this has been said before. I don't think it would work...I'd beat him at every game we'd play, and he'd resent me for it

[Gigabitch]

You know it gives him a thrill. You know it does.

[Ellynn]

As someone who has been in a relationship with a drug abuser(painkillers in his case), I know what your feeling. He's like completely sweet one moment and the next, he just blows you off. He can't keep a job for the life of him and he really is irresponsible.


He says he will change, but he keeps going back to his old ways. You keep giving him a chance hoping he will change, but that never seems to happen.

Gosh girlie, I know its hard especially when there are feelings involved.

But, you do deserve better!

When I asked for advice on here on what to do, people told me the same thing.

I talk to him occasionally on the phone. We are still friends. He lives far away now with his grandma as well(Kinda good, less tempting that way). He seemed to be doing well, but he let me know that he slipped again a few weeks ago when he had a tooth pulled and they gave him painkillers. He took them all (50 of them!) in 5 days! I don't know why he admitted this to me, but it makes me realize that even after 10 months of being clean, he still has a major problem! This may never change..

So, be careful. You have yourself to look after and also your daughter...

[Gigabitch]

Is there some kind of man shortage in Florida? You've wasted a LOT of time on him.

[Jeblina]

Is there some kind of man shortage in Florida? You've wasted a LOT of time on him.

No...not really....I think this relationship has just been more "comfortable" for me...he's the first guy that I've been with since my very nasty and painful breakup with my daughter's father....and he and I have been friends for years....I've always cared about him a lot...just now...I care about him more....much more. My daughter loves him....his daughter loves me....and I just keep thinking about how nice it will be to have a "real" family situation.

My moods about the whole situation change like the weather...one minute, I'll be so damn mad about the whole thing and want it DONE with....the next minute, I'm fine, and excited about getting to live with him.

Even when I talk to him on the phone and I'm mad because he blew me off or something, he always has a way to make me feel like everything is going to be okay. Always has SOMETHING to say that makes me feel better about everything....then I'll get off the phone...mull it over a little....and get frustrated again.

I have an at-home drug testing kit that my old drug counselor gave me when I told him my situation....maybe I should throw that at him and see what happens.

If he's doing all the right things with regards to staying clean, I have nothing to bitch about...and certainly don't want to end the relationship IF he's clean and just being a young, stupid guy. But drugs are a major no no...a deal breaker....and he knows this. I just feel like I need to know before I make any final decisions.

And even though I didn't say it in my post above...I DO care for him greatly...otherwise, I wouldn't even be going through this right now....

[Gigabitch]

....and I just keep thinking about how nice it will be to have a "real" family situation.

If he's doing all the right things with regards to staying clean, I have nothing to bitch about...and certainly don't want to end the relationship IF he's clean and just being a young, stupid guy. But drugs are a major no no...a deal breaker....and he knows this. I just feel like I need to know before I make any final decisions.

May I respectfully request that you re-read your posts today? I think that you do have something to bitch about. If you remove all references to drug use, you still have a perfectly valid complaint.

Bottom line: Don't let an unemployed man move into your house. You don't have to end the relationship- just don't take it to the next level until he's ready, and I don't mean he thinks he's ready, I mean he shows you he's ready. By getting a job. And learning how to use a GD phone.

[Ellynn]

I hear ya, they always seem to know exactly what to say and what to do....


I hear ya on your fustrations.

Sighs...why can't these men let this stupid drug habit go and just be with us? Why can't they just think about the future more? They could have it sooo made if they were just clean.

This whole thing is fustrating for me as well.

[Jeblina]

May I respectfully request that you re-read your posts today? I think that you do have something to bitch about. If you remove all references to drug use, you still have a perfectly valid complaint.

Bottom line: Don't let an unemployed man move into your house. You don't have to end the relationship- just don't take it to the next level until he's ready, and I don't mean he thinks he's ready, I mean he shows you he's ready. By getting a job. And learning how to use a GD phone.

Okay...yes, you're right. Thank you...I needed the validation that I wasn't overreacting here.

He definitely needs to SHOW me something...he can say things all day long, but they don't mean anything unless there are actions to back it up. He has gotten another job (one that he had before actually), and they will pay for him to go to school....but I still need a little more to feel good about things....right now, I think I'm feeling like more of a convenience....like he's just saying and doing what he HAS to do to keep me happy until we move into the house....that scares me to death.

[Ellynn]

I don't think your overreacting about the job issue at all! As someone who has worked since I was 15 continueously, I think its important to find a man with a good work ethic.

Take time before you let him move in. Actions speak louder then words. If he can prove to you hes responsible and VERY serious about changing by actually doing it, then I would consider taking things further by letting him move in.

But, beware, he could think that once he moves in its easy street from there. But, remember, you can always kick him out if he doesn't keep up his end of the bargain.

[blue]

i went thru the same thing with my ex and it was horrid he was addicted to oc's and the lying never stopped. he was wealthy and i had everything except a freakin normal guy so i left...... 2 months later he was in a bad car accident and i broke all contact until last august we got back together his life was together everything was gravy until i started to notice the signs just like you have and this time i did not hesitate to go runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn this was recently in febuary and now hes locked up for violating his probation. I hate to sound hard but my mom always says that people dont change even under extreme circumstances and if they do its rare. I should have listened to her but i chose to find out on my own. take care

[blacksun]

Acutally people do change, but they usualy cant change 100% theres ususaly a shadow of their past life remaining now matter how hard they try to be a differnt person. But thats completely off topic and you should dump and move on.