Go Elsewhere for sex

[rob258]

Hi All,
I hope you can help - I am desperate.

My name's Rob, and I'm 39. I've been married to Jan (40) for 14 years and we have three children (6, 4 and 2).

Our sex lives before and after marriage always used to be great - then came trouble conceiving our first child. Once he was on his way, that was it - no more sex for the whole pregnancy. I could understand and respect that due to all the stress we had gone through conceiving him.

After he was born, it was six months before I even broached the subject of sex as Jan had not coped too well. It was flatly out of the question - until we decided we wanted a second child who we conceived much quicker than the first. Same pattern after she was born - and with the third. Once our youngest daughter arrived in August 2007, it was September 2008 before we had sex again - but despite having a massively strong sex drive I didn't complain. I just hoped that now we had our children we could recapture the sex life we both enjoyed before.

Things have gone from bad to worse instead of better. She hardly ever wants to do it, and when we do it has to be on these terms:

Her bedtime is 10.40pm and it must be over by 11pm.
Missionary position only.
And recently - no touching or kissing.

Last week I got so stressed after being told to hurry the f**k up and just cum during it I completely lost my erection.
We had a massive row about it the next day when all my frustrations came flooding out. I have tried disicussing it many times but she says I'm lucky to have what I get!
I've been to the doctor but he says without her coming he can't do much and has referred us to pyscho-sexual counselling (needless to say she hit the roof when I discussed it with her and refuses to go).

Now, I'm not perfect, I know that. But I am considerate and have tried to be patient and not pressure her - but I haven't been able to properly orgasm for four years as she has been so harsh with her rules once we started again.

During this row on Saturday she said I should get myself castrated. She would have the perfect life (money, house, kids, friends, holidays) if it wasn't for me wanting sex. Then the next day she told me to go elsewhere for it - this REALLY hurt, but I can't live without sex.

I've tried explaining the implications of this to her - and that I won't be going to a prostitute if I did it - I would look to take a mistress/lover which coould be very damaging. But all she says is go ahead - if it means she can enjoy her life it would be a small price to pay.

Needless to say I am very very upset by all this. I have looked at a couple of websites this morning, and have even signed up to one (although of course it may be some time before any woman contacts me).

Am I doing wrong? What else can I do? Thank you for listening. Words cannot describe the hurt and pain I am going through at the moment. Rob.

[vashti]

It sounds like she understands the risks and is willing to take them, so I guess you should find a discreet mistress. There isn't really much else you can do if she is refusing outside help.

[rob258]

Thanks - the risks worry me. I always have been 100% faithful - am I being unfaithful if I do this?

And if I do go ahead, am I going about it the right way? I am on a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment, anger, sorrow, hurt - but also excitement at the pit of my stomach that I might be able to have enjoyable sex again

[Petit Papillon]

She was treating you like crap. You know what? Find a lover, enjoy new sex life and i hope your wife will get very hurt by this. She deserves this because she had no right to do and say all those hurtfull things.

[Chupacabras]

Jesus, what a cunt.

If it weren't for those kids, I'd say walk. As it stands, you've got the go-ahead so find yourself a mistress so I say do it... and never, ever sleep with your wife again.

[OneQuestion]

Her bedtime is 10.40pm and it must be over by 11pm.
Missionary position only.
And recently - no touching or kissing.

Last week I got so stressed after being told to hurry the f**k up and just cum during it I completely lost my erection.
We had a massive row about it the next day when all my frustrations came flooding out. I have tried disicussing it many times but she says I'm lucky to have what I get!
I've been to the doctor but he says without her coming he can't do much and has referred us to pyscho-sexual counselling (needless to say she hit the roof when I discussed it with her and refuses to go).

Now, I'm not perfect, I know that. But I am considerate and have tried to be patient and not pressure her - but I haven't been able to properly orgasm for four years as she has been so harsh with her rules once we started again.

During this row on Saturday she said I should get myself castrated. She would have the perfect life (money, house, kids, friends, holidays) if it wasn't for me wanting sex. Then the next day she told me to go elsewhere for it - this REALLY hurt, but I can't live without sex.

Ok, I am sorry to say, you have a huge problem... your wife doesn't appear to love you...

She is TELLING you to go elsewhere for sex??? SEX is the ACT of LOVE. She should WANT to PLEASE you! Even if she isn't horny, she should be willing to give you a hand job or blow job every once in a while. Perhaps you could give her a 30minute back massage in exchange for one of these things?

I don't know what to say, as I haven't been married or had kids, but I will say this... I am engaged and going through the Catholic pre-marriage classes (my fiance is catholic I'm not, but I have to go through the classes with her). One of the points they made was, "you and your spouse need to always stay the most important people to eachother, even more important than your kids together!" You and here were together BEFORE your kids came. I'm not saying your kids aren't important, but your relationship to her was first, and needs to last a lifetime. She doesn't seem to care about this...

I am soo sorry for you, really, a sexless marriage would just be complete hell.

I am 100% against cheating, so really, I'd have to say you have to leave her, if you want sex. I DO NOT AGREE, with the 'she said I can do it'... how will your relationship be with her after you **** someone else? Exactly... Marriage is supposed to be bound with love, your marriage isn't

[OneQuestion]

Jesus, what a cunt.

If it weren't for those kids, I'd say walk. As it stands, you've got the go-ahead so find yourself a mistress so I say do it... and never, ever sleep with your wife again.

Wrong... NEVER sleep with his wife again? But sleep with someone else? Yea... that will make for a happy home/marriage... NOT... ALSO, WHAT IF THE KIDS FIND OUT?!? That could be horrible for them, you know kids learn most their information from their PARENTS. If their parents are cheaters, what do you think they will grow up to be?

[Chupacabras]

You've got some growing up to do, One. You can disagree, that doesn't make me wrong.

[OneQuestion]

You've got some growing up to do, One. You can disagree, that doesn't make me wrong.

I'm sorry that I don't agree with cheating in any way. If you don't love someone, or they don't love you, then you shouldn't be with them!

[Petit Papillon]

Wrong... NEVER sleep with his wife again? But sleep with someone else? Yea... that will make for a happy home/marriage... NOT... ALSO, WHAT IF THE KIDS FIND OUT?!? That could be horrible for them, you know kids learn most their information from their PARENTS. If their parents are cheaters, what do you think they will grow up to be?

You're right at some point. BUT , there is no marriage anymore, she's not willing to work for this marriage, be 100% wife , so I wouldn't call it marriage anymore. If they don't want to divorce, I would go for a secret mistress or something, that happens a lot anyway... Well I would go for divorce, there is a lot of broken families anyway and kids from broken families aren't handicaped or retarded because of it. This marriage/family has no future anymore, because clearly his wife doesn't want to fix anything. I think it's even better to get divorced while kids are still small , they can get used to a new situation pretty fast.

[OneQuestion]

You're right at some point. BUT , there is no marriage anymore, she's not willing to work for this marriage, be 100% wife , so I wouldn't call it marriage anymore. If they don't want to divorce, I would go for a secret mistress or something, that happens a lot anyway... Well I would go for divorce, there is a lot of broken families anyway and kids from broken families aren't handicaped or retarded because of it. This marriage/family has no future anymore, because clearly his wife doesn't want to fix anything. I think it's even better to get divorced while kids are still small , they can get used to a new situation pretty fast.

My parents split when I was 5... I turned out fine. I've only had sex with a single female, never cheated, perfect man Your parents don't have to be together to show you love! My parents were both great, just not together.

Now if for my ages 5 to 20, if my dad had been going around with other girls, while still married to my mom, how would that have effected me?

[kisswithafist]

wow! shes obviously fell out of love with you and you seem to have been a sperm donor, you can still have a great relationship with your children if you separate i agree with onequestion you should leave, that will give her the shock of her life. you cant live like this hun!! your now 39 and your willing to live your life like this?

[Petit Papillon]

My parents split when I was 5... I turned out fine. I've only had sex with a single female, never cheated, perfect man Your parents don't have to be together to show you love! My parents were both great, just not together.

You don't need to tell me. My mum needed to leave abroad when I was 5 to work for our family and my parents got divorced when I was 12 and still I'm doing fine I don't have 3 ears or arm growing out of my back. I think because of it I'm a little bit more grown up but oh well... Childhood was hard but still I had some happy childhood.
I'm not perfect but I try to not hurt anybody and after all I learn from my parents mistakes and I'm thankfull for this.

One thing I know, this woman deserves no sex from this guy,never again.

[OneQuestion]

So the general consensis.

Leave her, get the best lawyer you can so you get great visitation!

[Petit Papillon]

Why great visitation? Why mothers should always get the kids? I think the best parent should get the kids. Dunno which one of them is the best, but it doesn't have to be that mother always get the child. Sometimes mothers are more ****ed up than fathers in the end.