Should I get married?

[wsid]

First off, let me describe my situation.

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 8 years now. We've talked about getting married once about 1.5 years into the relationship, started ring shopping, and then somehow, we decided that we shouldn't get married. Since then, we've never discussed marriage until recently.

Over the last 5 years, we have pretty much lived together. On average, we break up about twice a year, 2007 has been good, we only did it once in an argument.

I really care a lot of her, but I am really not sure if I love her. Actually, I don't really know what love is suppose to fill like.

Also, I have doubts about her, and about myself. For example, through the last few years, there's been other women I've met that I was very attracted to and the feelings are pretty strong, and that drove me crazy at times but I never pursuited any opportunities or crossed any lines. Do normal people who get married get these feelings for other people? Or are these signs that she's not the right one for me?

I feel that she's someone that I need to take care of and treat well, I don't want to hurt her in anyway. I appreciate her a lot, I mean, she takes good care of me, I know she cares a lot about it, and she has accepted a lot of my quirkiness. However, she and I don't share a lot in life. I am someone who's always looking for the next challange, so I like to study, learn and try new things; she is more the type that likes to do nothing and just get through life as long as everything is satisfactory. Because of this, at home, she's usually watching TV or doing so other stuff while I read or study, so we don't talk too mcuh. When we travel, I like to go backpacking, meet people and get lost from time to time. She prefers to have 5 star hotels, relax, let other people take her to whereever kind of vacation, and she can never get lost. We got lost from time to time when we travel, and whenever that happens she gets extremely angry at me, instead of trying to find our way together....

Recently, we both started having thoughts about having kids. We finally started discussing the topic with each other, and marriage came up as a result. From our discussions, I think that she would want to marry me, so the question really is do I want to marry her. For me, one part of me thinks that I should marry her, but another part keeps telling me that something is missing, and this is not the way it should be.

What should I do? How do I figure out what my path should be?

[Mish]

Fi
I really care a lot of her, but I am really not sure if I love her. Actually, I don't really know what love is suppose to fill like.

Also, I have doubts about her, and about myself. For example, through the last few years, there's been other women I've met that I was very attracted to and the feelings are pretty strong, and that drove me crazy at times but I never pursuited any opportunities or crossed any lines. Do normal people who get married get these feelings for other people? Or are these signs that she's not the right one for me?

Recently, we both started having thoughts about having kids. We finally started discussing the topic with each other, and marriage came up as a result. From our discussions, I think that she would want to marry me, so the question really is do I want to marry her. For me, one part of me thinks that I should marry her, but another part keeps telling me that something is missing, and this is not the way it should be.

What should I do? How do I figure out what my path should be?

You should not get married until you figure out what your path should be. You should not get married if you have doubts and if you don't think you love her. Take some time to figure out what you want for yourself then after you figure it out make a decision.

Personally based on what you've posted I don't think you are ready for marriage to this woman at this stage.

[TheSphinx]

Eight years seems like a good base for a marriage, but this is not always the case. If you have any doubts about your ability to honor your commitment, you would probably want to hold off on the marriage.

No need to rush into things. Take a while to decide if you are truly ready to settle down, especially before having children.

~Sphinx

[vashti]

I think after so many years, if she wants to get married you should (unless you want to leave her). You sound rather apathetic about the whole matter, so if it is important to her, I would defer to her her needs, particularly if you are having kids.

And yes, married people have the same feelings of attraction to others and boredom with our spouses from time to time.

[Junket]

You sound rather apathetic about the whole matter, so if it is important to her, I would defer to her her needs, particularly if you are having kids.

I disagree with this completely.

If he feels like they don't have anything in common, and simply have gotten used to co-existing, I say fúck that. Having kids?? If you have kids, you're pretty much locked in.

You need to do some serious thinking man.

Obviously you've survived 8 years with her, why?

But are you willing to have kids and commit the rest of your life to somebody who doesn't enjoy the same things that are important to you?

Defer to her needs?

Dear God, that's horrible advice, Vash.

[vashti]

Eh, I'm kind of thinking if he was unhappy, he'd have been gone by now. I don't think he sounds unhappy - just apathetic. Anyway, I was thinking more about the marriage assuming they were going to have children. I am a fan of parents being married.

[Junket]

Eh, I'm kind of thinking if he was unhappy, he'd have been gone by now. I don't think he sounds unhappy - just apathetic. Anyway, I was thinking more about the marriage assuming they were going to have children. I am a fan of parents being married.

I see what you're saying, but I think he definitely needs to do a lot of thinking before he either get married and/or has kids.

He may seem apathetic now, but he may become resentful later if he feels like he's locked in to something he was wary of to start.

Getting married and having kids just because there's some kind of obligation as a result of their long relationship is not a good reason by any means.

[Gigabitch]

It sounds like he's as apathetic about the relationship as she is about her own life.

Look, wsid, some people just don't really like to rock the boat and they'll stay in that boat even when it's headed somewhere they don't really want to go.

The fact that you break up, on average, twice a year is a big deal, IMO. Who is doing this breaking up? What happens when you do this- do you move out at that point for a while?

I have a number of assumptions about your relationship that may or may not be true, but what I think at this point is that it's not too late to find someone else, someone you might be more compatible with. Don't you believe in happiness? Don't you want it?

If you were already married or had kids, I'd counsel you to stick with it and honor your commitment, but you are in a position to explore your own life and I think you should do that.

I think you should go on a long backpacking trip by yourself to some foreign land and just get to the point where you can hear your own voice telling you what to do.

[vashti]

The fact that you break up, on average, twice a year is a big deal, IMO.
.

You think? I'd say that if I weren't married, I'd probably like to break up with my husband twice a year. I suppose it depends on what the break ups are about...

[wsid]

I think I am probably apathetic about the relationship. We get along fine most of the time, but sometimes she just get angry over some small things, like things that I didn't say or said. That turns into a silent treatment, and then get escalated to a point where she would say that we are breaking up. Other times she'd just say that out of the blue. Come to think of it, this is pretty much what happens every single time and I have never initiated a break up. Every time we do break up though, I'd feel really bad, and somehow we would end up back together.

She told recently me that for the last 2 years, she's been like that because she feels like we are stuck and breaking up seems to be the way to move forward. She told me this while we were discussing marriage and I mentioned that I am not sure if that's a good idea because of our track record.

I guess are able to stay together this long because a number of reasons. One of the main reason is, I think, I don't ask a lot of her, I don't ask a lot of anyone actually. So there were always very few conflicts initiated by me. The other reason is family, our family expects us to be stable, so even during the times when we are supposed to be broke up, we still show up to some family events together so that they don't worry. Another family related reason is that she really wasn't happy living at home, because of arguments with her family, so half the time when we break up, she would end up staying around my place still, we just don't talk much or do anything together. The times that she does move out, she has so much stuff here that she has to come back quite often to get stuff, at which point we would run into each other and patch things up.

You know, recently, when I think about our relationship, I always think of the line "mediocrity is the enemy of greatness". I can't say that I am unhappy(or happy) when I am with her, but I know that I am not quite satisfied. I've never expected complete happiness, but I wanted someone that makes me feel at home, and we never actually quite got to that point. Like when we went to France on vacation, we were driving to a sight, the signs around the roundabouts weren't very clear, so get got lost a few times. Instead of helping me navigate, she got angry and started yelling at me for not knowing the way. From my perspective, I felt very much alone at that point because I thought we were in it together, but she made me feel like her driver more than her boyfriend or travel companion. When I told her how I felt later on, she said that she was mad because I told her that I have read the maps and know where I was going. Which I found really weird, because I did read the maps, I know which highway I need to get onto, but there were a sign pointing to the highway, so I couldn't figure out which road to take. So when I am with her, I always have to be alert, otherwise we'd get into some sort of a fight.

It's also interesting that you are saying that people who get married feels the same type of attractions to others. I've asked some friends about it but they never gave me a straight answer. That's something good to know. I've always thought that if I found the right person these feelings would be much less, but I guess that's not the case.

Anyhow, going through and typing these things out seems to be helping me think through this a bit better. I really need to think this through clearly.

Thanks for all your advice, much appreciated.

[vashti]

That all sounds like painfully normal bickering to me. I think she may be resentful that you haven't married her after 8 years. You should probably decide if you want in or out of this relationship.

[hermionegranger]

I'd say if you don't imagine you and her being together in the future, then don't marry her. If I managed to make my advice clear. For me, for example, different interests have been the decisive factor - if I can't have quality time with my boyfriend, then he is not someone I'd like to marry. I enjoy theater, opera, music, especially metal, also reading, camping etc etc. My previous boyfriend didn't like any of those things. I stayed with him for almost 2 years and then I finally realized - he's not the one. I need someone who's willing to come to the opera with me or who'd like to go camping together. I don't want to do those things alone in the future...