needy???

[suzegreg]

He lives 30 minutes away from me and comes over to my house 4-5 times a week but always late at night earliest would be midnight. He has always been this way even before I met him. He likes to drink beer with his people and watch football with them. I know where he goes to though and I sometimes hang out with him at these places maybe twice a week. I have complained many times but I can only count how many times he has gone to my house early. That's all I want maybe once a week he can come over to my house early. But now he thinks I am demanding too much of him.
Is this being needy? Am I trying to change him?

[carl1222]

He lives 30 minutes away from me and comes over to my house 4-5 times a week but always late at night earliest would be midnight. He has always been this way even before I met him. He likes to drink beer with his people and watch football with them. I know where he goes to though and I sometimes hang out with him at these places maybe twice a week. I have complained many times but I can only count how many times he has gone to my house early. That's all I want maybe once a week he can come over to my house early. But now he thinks I am demanding too much of him.
Is this being needy? Am I trying to change him?

Are you trying to change him? I certainly hope so! Is he actually your boyfriend? For what purpose does he even come over?

Let me guess ... he comes over half-drunk at midnight, sometimes for some late night sex and passes out in your bed, right???

Carl.

[suzegreg]

That's another way of putting it. But when we are together during other times he is very attentive and affectionate. He runs my errands and do things for me. He has nothing going on now. Business is down and he has encountered problems to problems.

[Cain]

It doesn't seem like much of a relationship to me. He seems to be coming to your place to get what he wants. And, of course, he does little things for you every now and then in order to ensure that you don't view yourself as a friend with benefits.

Personally, if this is bothering you then you need to tell him. If he has a problem with it, then the relationship isn't going to work... if you can even call it a relationship. You might want to sit down with him and have a talk because I don't think you even know where you both stand.

[IndiReloaded]

Do you know what a Booty Call is? That's you babe. Do you ever go out, as in on a date?

If not, dump this guy. Find someone who will appreciate ALL of you, not just your nether regions.

[carl1222]

Suze, you can't expect much in good advise here if you only give half the facts ... and the unfavorable facts to boot.

If you want our honest impression of whether you are being too needy or unfairly trying to change him, why not give us enough details to work with? So I don't think he's just a user and Cain and Indi don't jump to the conclusion that he does just enough to sustain a booty call??? Make your boyfriend's case!

Carl.

[Cain]

Suze, you can't expect much in good advise here if you only give half the facts ... and the unfavorable facts to boot.

If you want our honest impression of whether you are being too needy or unfairly trying to change him, why not give us enough details to work with? So I don't think he's just a user and Cain and Indi don't jump to the conclusion that he does just enough to sustain a booty call??? Make your boyfriend's case!

Carl.

I give an opinion based on the information I'm provided. The fact that she basically said "that's pretty much right" in response to what you said in your first post about him showing up half-drunk and attaining sex shows me that he views this as a booty call until hear evidence to support otherwise.

[suzegreg]

Yes you are right Carl. I do understand that they get this idea from my posts.
I should have stated that we have been together for 9 months already and this is just not a booty call thing.
We go out together with my friends or his friends. We are pretty much a PDA couple actually. We are both expats and the whole community knows we are in a relationship.
He had a one night stand once with a tourist when we broke up and continued a chatting affair with her even when we got back together until I found out. I have regained trust on him and learned to understand my shortcomings. We have had differences of course but this late night thing always don't get resolved.
He is African and I am Asian and there seems to be a lot cultural differences especially with staying out late. This coming at midnight is true with his people too. Most of them just hang out in this area every night even those that are married.
Although I know all this but I still cannot help feeling less prioritized.

[carl1222]

Yes you are right Carl. I do understand that they get this idea from my posts.
I should have stated that we have been together for 9 months already and this is just not a booty call thing.
We go out together with my friends or his friends. We are pretty much a PDA couple actually. We are both expats and the whole community knows we are in a relationship.
He had a one night stand once with a tourist when we broke up and continued a chatting affair with her even when we got back together until I found out. I have regained trust on him and learned to understand my shortcomings. We have had differences of course but this late night thing always don't get resolved.
He is African and I am Asian and there seems to be a lot cultural differences especially with staying out late. This coming at midnight is true with his people too. Most of them just hang out in this area every night even those that are married.
Although I know all this but I still cannot help feeling less prioritized.

OK Suze .. so I, Cain and Indi were probably all applying American culture to your situation ... a mistake.

So back to relationship 101 ... relationships are all about compromise. You compromising by not complaining if he enjoys his cultural comraderie maybe 3 times a week, him compromising by agreeing to that limitation. Under the circumstances, you shouldn't feel less prioritized ... just less prioritized than what your culture as an Asian expects.

I'm not going to judge cultures, Suze ... just suggest that if you can think more like an African, and he can think more like an Asian, you both will be happier.

Carl.

ps ... what is a PDA couple?

[Cain]

Staying out late isn't a cultural thing. It's not like blacks are the only ones that stay out late. I stay out late. The point is that he's only coming over to your place late. If you have a problem with it, tell him and if he isn't willing to change that then it's best if you end things. If all you're asking for is one night a week where he comes there before midnight, then I don't see that as being needy at all. In fact, I'd get rather annoyed if some woman kept wanting to come over to my place only at midnight or later.

[carl1222]

Staying out late isn't a cultural thing. It's not like blacks are the only ones that stay out late. I stay out late. The point is that he's only coming over to your place late. If you have a problem with it, tell him and if he isn't willing to change that then it's best if you end things. If all you're asking for is one night a week where he comes there before midnight, then I don't see that as being needy at all. In fact, I'd get rather annoyed if some woman kept wanting to come over to my place only at midnight or later.

Yeah Cain ... but he's not an American black ... he's African. I take Suze at her word when she says "This coming at midnight is true with his people too."

Carl.

[Cain]

Yeah Cain ... but he's not an American black ... he's African. I take Suze at her word when she says "This coming at midnight is true with his people too."

Carl.

That tells us nothing. Is he African American? Did he live in a suburban African city? Has he ever even been to Africa and his parents are from there? Was he from some tribe where he gutted animals and performed rituals?

The OP hasn't done a good job of being specific. However, I stand by what I said. She either puts up with it or she doesn't, but eventually she's going to tire of it and if he isn't willing to do it one night per week, it goes to show how devoted he is to her.

[suzegreg]

He grew up in Africa.
I guess both of you have points. He used to come over my house early once or twice a week but as he gets comfortable to us being together he never bothered.
I asked him to make changes. Somehow I asked the wrong way and sounded like I was nagging and complaining all the time.
Last Sunday I asked him to come over early at first he said he is not sure if he is coming then I stated my concern of him coming over whenever he wants and not when I want to which I don't always ask. He later said he will because that is what I want and what I demanded but it felt like I forced him into doing something and defeated the purpose of wanting to be together so I just said forget it and told him I want space first to think about the whole thing.
I turned off my phone, no IM, no emails.

[suzegreg]

He grew up in a village where they still perform voodoo or whatever and the best way to cure depression is killing a goat and offering it to the gods.
PDA is physical display of affection if that helps..
And yes it is true that his people who live here are really into staying late and drinking beer together. This is one way for them to be socially intact in a foreign land.
Again yes all I asked is just one night when we can have a quiet evening together in my house.
As I said we had this before but he changed as he became so at home with me.
And now I want things to change but he makes me feel like I demand too much of him and in turn it makes me feel needy.
As I said he already conceded yesterday but it felt forced.

[Cain]

He grew up in a village where they still perform voodoo or whatever and the best way to cure depression is killing a goat and offering it to the gods.
PDA is physical display of affection if that helps..
And yes it is true that his people who live here are really into staying late and drinking beer together. This is one way for them to be socially intact in a foreign land.
Again yes all I asked is just one night when we can have a quiet evening together in my house.
As I said we had this before but he changed as he became so at home with me.
And now I want things to change but he makes me feel like I demand too much of him and in turn it makes me feel needy.
As I said he already conceded yesterday but it felt forced.

I don't think you two are compatible. If he concedes, he'll eventually grow to resent it if he feels you forced him and it could eventually cause him to resent you.