did i mess up?

[Lizziecupcakes]

im gonna try and not make this long because it is a long story with alot of details. first of all, I live in Arizona and he lives in Texas so its a long term relationship and we've been together nearly a year and 4 months.

it starts in december, i decided to do a shady thing and started hanging out with a guy i liked at the time while i was still with my boyfriend. even though i did not do anything physical with him and knew it was wrong considering me and him had a relationship with different people, i decided to end the fling for my boyfriends sake and his girlfriend. i felt guilty about the situation and decided to tell my boyfriend about it. of course he did not take it well and lost trust for me. considering we where miles apart and the other guy lived here and went to school with me, he didnt have trust for me at all when i went out.

skipping 5 months later to may of this year,things have been getting rocky between me and boyfriend because of the situation that happened in december. i began to get distant from him because my grades began to slip and i needed to catch up but he didnt understand why i wasnt talking to him that much. we both got frustrated and i ended things, we tried being friends but i missed him more the days grew and i begged him to get back together but he always said no. its finally june and i cant be friends with him because i want to be with him and cant be friends with someone i love more then a friend. today he finally has admitted to finding someone else and that just broke me down and i decided not to speak to him anymore because i cant see him with someone else and i need time to forget my feelings for him to be friends with him again but he begged me to be friends with him and i told him no and he decided to remind me of what i did in december and told me thats what led him to do that.

is it fair that he wont give me a fair chance even though i had feelings for another guy that i never did anything physical with?

or

is it wrong on my part to not be friends with him even though he has another girl in his life

plz help me

[tooxshort]

is it fair that he wont give me a fair chance even though i had feelings for another guy that i never did anything physical with?

or

is it wrong on my part to not be friends with him even though he has another girl in his life

plz help me

1. Yes, it's fair that he won't give you another chance. He already took a risk by being in a long distance relationship. He put his trust in you initially and you broke that trust, so he is not going to play dumb and believe that you're not going to do anything again.

Sure, it wasn't physical, but you admitted to "liking" the guy, so there is emotional cheating there.

Sometimes I don't know which is worse ... being emotionally intimate with someone or physically ...

2. No, you are not obligated to be friends with him. He has another girlfriend and the only reason I can think of why he'd want you to stick around so much is because he wants to rub it in your face. That you're sad about him having someone else while he's happy with it. Almost like he's getting back at you.

Of course, I don't know your complete history, so maybe he does want to genuinely be friends, but you don't have to partake in it. I think separation will be the only way for you to heal. And you can tell him that it just hurts to much to see him with someone else. But learn from this experience and don't f*ck up again.

[Gigabitch]

is it fair that he wont give me a fair chance even though i had feelings for another guy that i never did anything physical with?

He IS giving you a fair chance. It's fair for him to distrust you since you proved yourself to be dis-trustworthy. Sorry.

is it wrong on my part to not be friends with him even though he has another girl in his life

No, it's appropriate. You have potential as a couple. You have no business being "friends" with him until that's all you are, all you'll ever be.

[OsamaInPyjamas]

Long distance relationships are tricky, and I think that until you experience one yourself it's difficult to appreciate how complicated things can get. I think it's human nature to develop crushes on people who aren't your significant other, particularly when you don't get to see and do things with your partner as often as you'd like. Most times these crushes are harmless, so long as you don't let them escalate and nip them in the bud I don't think there's a problem.

My partner and I are in a long distance relationship right now (almost 400kms away from each other, actually). He admitted to me that he had developed a bit of a crush on a girl he works with. He made it clear that it wasn't even sexual attraction and he would never, ever think of acting on it. To be honest, the respect I had for him telling me outweighed the initial hurt his confession put me through. Our relationship was bigger and stronger than that one tiny hiccup, that most likely only eventuated because he missed seeing me and craved that physical intimacy. I was really upset at first, especially considering the fact he lives in a small town where there really is no avoiding one person and I HATED the thought of them even being in the same room as each other. But I eventually realised how petty it was in the grand scheme of things. He loved ME and wanted to be with ME, which was precisely why he told me. He could have very easily kept that to himself, but he was honest because he didn't want to feel like he was hiding something from me and recognised how harmless and worthless this 'crush' was. Eventually I did too.

I disagree with those who have posted before me. I don't think having one crush makes you untrustworthy, or a bad person. The fact you felt guilty about it and informed your partner proves that you're not. He's entitled to feel hurt and betrayed of course, but I think a truly strong relationship would be able to overcome that kind of reveal.

And yes, it's completely understandable that you don't want to continue a friendship with him while you still harbour romantic feelings towards him.

[lesa]

I disagree with those who have posted before me. I don't think having one crush makes you untrustworthy, or a bad person. The fact you felt guilty about it and informed your partner proves that you're not. He's entitled to feel hurt and betrayed of course, but I think a truly strong relationship would be able to overcome that kind of reveal.

No, that’s being truthful, honest, genuine or “real” with the person. Although being honest is a great quality to have in a relationship, it is not the same as being trustworthy.

A trustworthy person makes you remove doubt in what they will do in a relationship. They are dependable and trust makes you KNOW that the significant other is going to be faithful and dependable because they show you that in their character. It is always a great characteristic needed in a healthy relationship.

A person can be honest but not trustable. I see honesty as what someone says to me and trustworthiness as what someone does to me. It takes both to have a peace of mind in a relationship, especially a long distance one.

[OsamaInPyjamas]

A trustworthy person makes you remove doubt in what they will do in a relationship. They are dependable and trust makes you KNOW that the significant other is going to be faithful and dependable because they show you that in their character. It is always a great characteristic needed in a healthy relationship.

I agree with all this. I disagree, however, that harbouring a small crush makes you untrustworthy. Like I said, I think it's human nature to develop those kind of feelings, albeit sparingly. The healthiest couples who have been married for 40+ years develop slight crushes on other people throughout their life. In my humble opinion, trust is acknowledging that these things happen and still having confidence in both your partner and the strength of your relationship that these feelings will not develop or grow or be acted on.

[tooxshort]

Keep in mind that a crush is different from actually liking and hanging out with someone ...

Anyone could have a "crush" on a celebrity and know damn well they'll never act on it ... But if you admittingly say you like someone and proceed to hang out with said person, I think you're crossing a line. Especially when the guy isn't even there ...

I would not be satisfied with my wife having feelings for someone else and hanging out with them ... Regardless if she came to her senses and realized it was wrong then stopped, she has already broken my trust.

[Mish]

[I]it starts in december, i decided to do a shady thing and started hanging out with a guy i liked at the time while i was still with my boyfriend. even though i did not do anything physical with him and knew it was wrong considering me and him had a relationship with different people, i decided to end the fling for my boyfriends sake and his girlfriend.

Just to clarify this, what happened between you when you hanged out with this guy you liked? I ask because there's nothing wrong with harbouring a little secret crush that noone knows about. Though things change the moment you act on it. Did you act on it?

[lesa]

I agree with all this. I disagree, however, that harbouring a small crush makes you untrustworthy. Like I said, I think it's human nature to develop those kind of feelings, albeit sparingly. The healthiest couples who have been married for 40+ years develop slight crushes on other people throughout their life. In my humble opinion, trust is acknowledging that these things happen and still having confidence in both your partner and the strength of your relationship that these feelings will not develop or grow or be acted on.

I agree, I suppose, that having a crush does not make you dishonest or untrustworthy. However, you stated that trust is acknowledging and still having confidence in partner and relationship. The OP stated that her boyfriend has no confidence anymore. I think it has to be regained. In that case, he needed to develop trust in her.

Maybe honesty is what she does...and Trust is what he does? They go together like a great relationship should.

[Lizziecupcakes]

Just to clarify this, what happened between you when you hanged out with this guy you liked? I ask because there's nothing wrong with harbouring a little secret crush that noone knows about. Though things change the moment you act on it. Did you act on it?

No. we would hang out but it never went to the point of kissing or cuddling or any of that. i mean he wanted to cross that point but i never crossed it even though i got temptations to do it. plus i was the one who ended the whole fling with him so i should at least get credit for that.

[Mish]

No. we would hang out but it never went to the point of kissing or cuddling or any of that. i mean he wanted to cross that point but i never crossed it even though i got temptations to do it. plus i was the one who ended the whole fling with him so i should at least get credit for that.

I see. This clarifies it a little bit.

The way I see it, it was still wrong of you to hang out with the guy you had a crush on while in a relationship, (wrong because it still affects trust even if just a little) but you confessed and from my point of view redeemed yourself. It's enitrely posible that this had created a trust issue between you and your bf which drove you apart, but I think it was more of a combination of things such as; Distance due to studies, before mentioned trust issue, any other issues affecting the relationship, him given a green light to wonder if it's okay for him to hang out with people he has feelings for.

So to answer your questions:

is it fair that he wont give me a fair chance even though i had feelings for another guy that i never did anything physical with?

No it's not fair. He crossed the line while you didn't. However you opened up a door to hanging out with flings, through which he eventually escaped. It was wrong of him to do what he did, however to a small degree you also contributed.

is it wrong on my part to not be friends with him even though he has another girl in his life

I don't think it's wrong. But to save yourself a lot of pain I would suggest to distance yourself from him. There's nothing in the books that says you can't be distant friends who email each other once every 3 months to keep in touch.

[Lizziecupcakes]

thanks to everyone who responded.
you guys helped alot