Fear of separation

[mimi_four]

Hi there,

I've mentioned lately that my fear of seperation is becoming bigger and bigger..

Approximately 6 months ago, I started a relationship with my former best friend. The good thing is, that we knew much about each other before our relationship, and we could have very good conversations with each other.. The bad is that we both never felt truly in love *maybe because we stayed too much in our "friendship role"*.. In the very beginning from our relationship, I felt like pushing him away..

But as months passed by, I started to feel more for him then just friendship, although I'm not really sure if it's love or not. He feels the same thing, and because we never really were in love with each other, I'm not sure if we will never experience true love.

Knowing this, makes me kinda crazy inside. Because he's objectively the most perfect partner I can imagine, but I'm not sure WHY I never was in love with him Besides, I don't want to lose him.. And I feel there's still a chance I can love him.

I'm so very insecure, I start pushing him away by acting irritated.. Almost everytime we see each other, I make a big thing out of nothing. Everywhere I see things that indicate him leaving me, he will never love me, etc etc. I wonder if it's just me starting to love him or not...

But anyways, it driving him crazy too.. He feels he is forced in loving me, and he can't be himself around me because I get insecure over nothing..

Please, I really need some help or input.. anything will be fine!

[miSSleepy]

Because you've known this guy prior to the relationship the "love" you're talking about may not be there. But in fact, it could be, it's just more deeply rooted than the giddy, butterfly feeling you get with new partners.

I have to ask why you two got together? Is it out of necessity? If so, then maybe you're just better off being friends.

Also, 6 months may not be enough for either of you to love each other.
If you really want to be with this person I suggest you stop demanding love, of yourself and him. Because the more you keep doing it the more it's going to push you away from each other. Just enjoy each other as you currently are and give it time, take it as it goes.

[mimi_four]

Dear miss sleepy,

Thank you for your good advice! Your words sound very true to me.. And I figured indeed, that it also had to do with me knowing him longer before then all of my exes.. I study psychology myself, and it stated that it deactivates the judgement for strangers, so you will be less critical of each other even though you don't know the partner very well.. And prior to our relationship, we allready formed a bond together. So it wasn't "new" anymore..

Also, when he showed interest in me, I recently broke up with my ex.. and for me it was all going a little bit too quick, so I never completely was sure about us becoming involved so quickly after my last relationship. He mentioned he acted so quickly because he was afraid of losing me to another guy.. which is not completely irrational.

Both of us saw the perfect partner in each other. He really had everything I was looking for, and he had the things my exes never had. I always fell for "the wrong type of guys", and he was the good type.. you know? The one which you feel safe with, the one who is there for you.. The one who was willing to fight.
I thought about getting involved with him before.. but I was still in a relationship with another guy and also I guessed I never was able to fall in love with him, because he was "too good" for me.

For me, it wasn't at all necessity. It was too quick for me to even want a new relationship (even for me), and I don't think it was for him.. because he was single for 2 years, and wasn't really open for a new relationship... Till me and my ex broke up that is.

6 days later, we were sitting in his garden.. and he mentioned he was thinking about how we have much relationship-potential.. And it sort of shocked me at the time. So I told him to just take it easy, but I could see us being a good couple too..

And the day after, I was watching some movies at his place.. And he asked me to cuddle next to him at the couch.. and all felt so good. Like I was safe.. I didn't want to leave out of his arms.. And then he started kissing my neck, and I was still thinking in the back of my mind "maybe this is going too soon... maybe we shouldn't do this just yet..." but at the same time, it felt so good.. so we kissed..

You know, it's funny.. When I tell this, the feelings I felt at the time all came back to me.

I agree that 6 months may not be enough for us to love each other. After my first big relationship (which lasted 5 years) I changed my perception on love, because for the first time I really knew what love was, and why it was different from being in love. And right now, I'm more careful to say those words.. because if I'll say them - I want to really feel it, and mean it from the bottom of my heart. But I feel I'm starting to love him.. and sometimes I really feel the urge to tell him, but I don't..

You're so right!..

Thanks a lot!