My First Love Ruined...Is There Hope?

[iamaghostha]

OK so my story is long, so I'll try and keep it simple.

I had an on-again off-again relationship with a girl named Jessica for 5 years. The first 2 were golden, the last 3 have been rocky. Almost 100 percent of the rockiness is my fault.

In our off times, I secretly dated others. I was afraid of commitment (I'm currently 23) and "throwing in the towel" too early. She found out eventually, but we got past it. We went on for about 1.5 years after this all happened but she lost a lot of trust in me because of that situation.

Well, about two months ago, I moved in with a buddy about 1.5 hours away from home. Contact between her and I was strained badly (it was already decreasing before this...huge mistake and I am a fool for it) and she was very hurt by it all. In short, I have taken her completely for granted for a long time and hurt her in a lot of ways. But somehow I never thought she'd leave. I was her first real boyfriend...I took her virginity...I think she was in love with me and I loved her back. My loving her is all too clear to me now.

Well, now she has met somebody. He is 29...8 years older than Jessica...and MARRIED for ten years. He has two kids with his wife…6 and 8 years old. According to him, his marriage is dead and his wife is a chronic cheater. And after THREE WEEKS of he and Jessica knowing one another, he has revealed to his wife that he is with Jessica and the wife and kids are now moved out of the house.

At first, when Jessica revealed that she met somebody, I played it cool. But as I talked to her more and more, the situation began to really become REAL and, of course, I panicked. I suspect this may have driven him (Gene) to act so quickly with his wife situation, because he knew I was speaking to and meeting with Jessica.

During those first frantic talks, Jessica was pretty emotionless toward me, which took me aback. She had been wanting us to be “us” again for years. But like I said, I was too scared at the time to agree to this completely. I never pushed her out of the picture like this. I always thought we would still end up together. Her main rebuttals to my panicked pleas were that Gene had sacrificed and risked so much just to be with her, and that she wishes I would have come to my senses before now.

Since then, we have emailed a few times and I am trying to play it cool and wish her the best. She says she’s sorry things had to go this way but that we can’t change it now. She has mentioned things like “Who knows where he and I will be in the future, but we’re taking it seriously because there are children involved” and “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I am happy” while also saying things like “wish you the best, whether its back with me someday or with somebody else” and “we’ve always said we could never see one another being completely out of the picture”.

So what should I do? All I want is her, and I’m a changed man. I realize this had to happen in a way, to make me into a better man. But the thing is – I want to be HER better man. I would marry her tomorrow if it would keep her with me. I love her, and they say your first love never really fades. I don’t want to be one of those guys with a “one that got away” ghost haunting them for life.

So, my questions are:
-Will this new relationship last? An estranged wife and two kids?

-Can she really be as into this new guy as she claims "its like we're in a different world when we talk"

-How can I keep my head on and try and get her back before its too late?

-Would she/could she exit this new situation, even if she wanted to? I mean...she ended a marriage and I can see how she just can't up and walk away.

Please…somebody…I’ve been an ass and ruined my first love. I need honest advice, or tips to fix things.

[krondragon]

If you mean playing it cool by not admitting your mistakes, then there is your first piece of advice. Let her know how you truly feel about the whole situation then just send her off with good wishes.

This is all I can say as I have not been in a situation this delicate or this hopeful before. But good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

Right now, your case is pretty hopeless, sorry.

At 21, she is very young and sounds very immature. She also has self-esteem issues, some of which are obvious from how your relationship ran. She tolerated things from you that an older, more secure woman would not.

However, your past relationship is over. Right now, she is flattered & excited by the attention she is getting from this older, "mature" man. The fact he is a cheater & homewrecker just doesn't matter to her. They are "in love", so that trumps all. Including her good sense.

I suspect she'll be addicted to this drama for a while, or until this older man tires of her, whichever comes first. It will be a painful learning experience for her & will likely make her bitter, damaged goods.

I would recommend you give up this gal & find someone new. Try to treat each other better than you did this other gal. Good luck.

[iamaghostha]

Thanks for the replies, everybody.

The situation itself is pretty futile now, and it almost feels better that way.

Basically, I caved and called her, telling her I had something to give her. I had written her a letter, which she opened right in front of me and basically said she's moved on and doesn't know what else to say. I hurt her and she can no longer trust me, and the hurt has stuck with her for more than a year now. And that her new boyfriend is getting upset that we're still talking. It was all tough to swallow, but its almost what I needed - knowing that there's no chance for me at the current time. I feel better in a way. So yes I'm gonna go meet the other fish and she can be trapped in suburbia in a mega adult situation at 21, and maybe she'll come to her senses and come back someday, and things can be right.

Until then, its time to start meeting some people I suppose.

[blackzj52]

its tough dude. im still getting overmy ex who dumped me august 1st. its hard. i wish i could go back in time and do things differently. u just gotta try and press on and even if u dont meet another girl immediately keep looking and keep ur head up.

[kai]

I think you're the winner here. That new relationship of hers will not last long. Then she'll regret her mistakes and start missing you.

And here you are, enjoying your life. Just go out and have fun.

[klof54]

first love isn't the end of the world

[Gigabitch]

No hope for your first love, but plenty of hope for you. It's kind of like hazing- now you're in the club with the rest of us.

You'll be fine in time, really.

[Illusional]

regardless, this is your first love... you'll get over it and find your true love...later in life.

raverboy