Want to stop licentious thoughts

[TigerTail]

I've been with my boyfriend for many years, and on the whole things are good and we're thinking about starting a family.

However sometimes I feel very attracted to other men. It's purely a sexual thing, and I've never acted on it. My boyfriend has a much lower sex drive than I do which bothers me at times, although I don't think that's the most important thing in a relationship. I used to get bored with previous boyfriends and I love having an intelligent and tactile man.

Currently there is a much younger man at work who is interested and it's stressing me out, as I feel guilty and frustrated.

How can I turn this around? I mean if my boyfriend just doesn't have the same sexual desires? I would never want to cheat, but I don't like getting these 'crushes'.

[kms]

Couple things going on here. First, sexual attraction will hit us no matter what our relationship status is. It's just hormones, a chemical process in our bodies that we have very little control over. What we CAN control, however, is refraining from acting on it. Search for Dr. Helen Fisher in Youtube; she has done quite a bit research on the biology behind 'love' and physical attraction and is very interesting to listen to. But, regardless, you'll feel attracted to other people when in a relationship; it's normal. Just don't act on it and try to remove yourself from being around that particular person in order to avoid temptation.

Second, although people have differing sexual needs, if a couple is VERY different from each other, it can cause a lot of stress and problems in the relationship. Have you talked to him about it? Have you suggested ways he can help you? (such as going down on you, massaging you, and other things that don't involve penetration). If he's willing to work with you, then hopefully things will get better. If not, then your temptation to cheat will never go away - it'll likely keep building up more and more and later on you'll be even less able to resist the next time the opportunity presents itself. Sexual compatibility is an important component in a successful relationship, so being incompatible can completely tear apart a relationship.

[TigerTail]

Thanks, kms - I had a bit of an epiphany about the whole thing today and wondered why I had thought it was so important.

And why i was acting like a child, messing up a real relationship for transient feelings.

A real wake up call anyway.

[TigerTail]

Second, although people have differing sexual needs, if a couple is VERY different from each other, it can cause a lot of stress and problems in the relationship. Have you talked to him about it? Have you suggested ways he can help you? (such as going down on you, massaging you, and other things that don't involve penetration). If he's willing to work with you, then hopefully things will get better. If not, then your temptation to cheat will never go away - it'll likely keep building up more and more and later on you'll be even less able to resist the next time the opportunity presents itself. Sexual compatibility is an important component in a successful relationship, so being incompatible can completely tear apart a relationship.

I'm not sure...he seems to be happy with straight sex, and tells me he's uncomfortable with anything else e.g. touching me. He says he was a virgin when we met 8 years ago, I wasn't.

I feel like a guy when I say this but I'd like a little more connection. despite having realised earlier that I shouldn't be seeking it elsewhere.

[vashti]

How old are you, Tiger? I ask because women's desire for sex *generally* peaks in the mid 30s, and is raging until menopause. Unfortunately, men peak much earlier, and start their decline as women's interest is rising. If you have mismatched drives now, and you are still in your 20s, I might expect this to be a continuing problem for you, and in fact, possibly an escalating problem.

As for the crushes - well, I don't see how that will change. Even people in sexually satisfying relationships have to endure that. It is probably just worse when you aren't satisfied.

[TigerTail]

How old are you, Tiger? I ask because women's desire for sex *generally* peaks in the mid 30s, and is raging until menopause. Unfortunately, men peak much earlier, and start their decline as women's interest is rising. If you have mismatched drives now, and you are still in your 20s, I might expect this to be a continuing problem for you, and in fact, possibly an escalating problem.

As for the crushes - well, I don't see how that will change. Even people in sexually satisfying relationships have to endure that. It is probably just worse when you aren't satisfied.

You must be quite intuitive :-)

I'm mid-thirties, he's early thirties.

Oh lord, I wouldn't want this to get worse. We have to do something about it pretty soon if we want to start a family (if we can, of course), so having these urges really doesn't help.

Also people tend to assume I'm 25 tops so I'm worried the guy who likes me thinks I'm much younger (he is over 10 years younger). I got id'd after work earlier tonight!

Of course if we have mismatched drives it could be a real problem later on but choosing between having a family or following sexual needs is a real clash.

It's hard being a woman! *dramatic smilie*

Thanks for your advice :-)

[vashti]

Well, you could always go on birth control pills and/or anti depressants. They totally mess with the sex drive.

[TigerTail]

Well, you could always go on birth control pills and/or anti depressants. They totally mess with the sex drive.

Maybe I shoulda!

It's going from bad to worse here as I kissed someone on NYE (an old friend who I have known for years longer than my bf).

It's the first time I've strayed. The kissee has been sending some heavy texts since but I haven't got back as I haven't, as yet, told my bf.

NYE bothered me a lot as my boyfriend was very quiet with my friends (though maybe through shyness), spoke to my best friend saying that he has two great loves in his life, me and his career (which to fulfill fully he'd have to move away to do, my friend told me after). It freaked me out he spoke to my best friend about it but not me, though that is no excuse for what I did.

I know I have to tell him but I have to get my head in order and I'm not so sure we are suited anymore.