A bunch of troubles and questions

[Ariea]

My bf and I started out long distance. We had a good connection from the start. There have been a lot of problems though, and I'll name a few:

1. He has someone else. He's unapologetic for this and seems happy. I wasn't made aware of this initially. I stayed because he said it was over, and he said that many times but it never is. The other person is a guy, and he feels that I'm rejecting him or not accepting him because he is bisexual. He says he requires both and that he won't leave the other person for me.

2. The other person is mean, horrible, manipulative, and hurtful. At times under my bfs wishes, I tried to befriend the other person. They lied a lot, crashed in on a lot of my bfs and my time together, ruined my birthday last year, and leave me text messages on my phone that are technically song lyrics (so my bf says it's nothing) but say things like "I hope your breaks go out, no one calls you on your birthday, things fall on your head.." etc.

3. This part is my fault. I have promised visits many times (many) and always back out, or let something happen. I get scared and don't go. My bf is furious about it and brings it up every conversation. He says I'm not committed to him because I don't visit. His friends tell him I'm bad for him and using him. His other person (hates me anyway) calls me names to him and tells him I don't really love him etc. My bf repeats what is said to me.

My question...
Am I abusing him by not coming? Is it really a "carrot on a string" like he says? Am I being emotionally abusive and neglectful? I talk to him every day. He asks about when I'm visiting every day (every conversation). If I promise too far in the future (end of the week) he says I'm not coming. I have to promise the next day for him to accept it. He no longer believes me (of course) and although I want to visit sometimes, I'm tired of having to share. I'm worried I'm being picky though, and overlooking something I should just settle for, since nothing is perfect.

Am I actually abusive?

[xxazurexx]

Why would you want to go and meet a man who has a partner and who refuses to give this partner up for you?

I think you are wise not to go and he's a total MORON for expecting that you would go.

[nerdy_guy]

I'm tired of having to share. I'm worried I'm being picky though, and overlooking something I should just settle for, since nothing is perfect.

So you're okay if he has a lot of other women since "nothing is perfect"? Or are you okay since the other person is a guy? Stop making excuses and double standards for yourself. His other guy doesn't seem to respect your alone time with him, you seem not really into it as well. There's nothing here for you. I suggest you move on. The current girl I ended up with is from a long distance relationship as well, and I can honestly say that there's nothing in your post to indicate that it'll last. LDR's need a lot of work. You guys are barely making any effort at all

[Ariea]

Well, I do make an effort, aside from going there, we spend a lot of time on the phone talking. I need to be accountable at all times as to where I am, texting and such--he gets very angry if I don't answer (says I'm ignoring him). I stay up ridiculously late talking to him because that's what his sleep schedule is like. In the past I've done a lot of math homework and made PowerPoint presentations for him for some college classes. I've really tried to be a good girlfriend...aside from visiting. I kept hoping he would see it and leave the other person. The fact that I put up with his anger and that's beyond hard....he says he "loves me most, loves me more, prefers me".

I do care if he's with other people (girl or boy). He says there are just some things I need to accept...that it's not my fault but he can't change it, and that he could never marry me until the other person leaves him. He says he's waiting for him to leave, but I don't believe that.

He claims I've been a terrible gf for not visiting and that I'm abusive. His other person and friends say the same. Is this the truth?

[girl68]

You didn't answer the question we asked why the hell do you love an asshole again?

[RdHrshyKss]

yeah, seriously. this guy is a total tool. he's using you. screw him and find someone else who isn't involved with other people, who lives closer and who will treat you with some respect. the fact that he expects you to tolerate him being with another person is just crazy.

[VincenzoG91]

Well, I do make an effort, aside from going there, we spend a lot of time on the phone talking. I need to be accountable at all times as to where I am, texting and such--he gets very angry if I don't answer (says I'm ignoring him). I stay up ridiculously late talking to him because that's what his sleep schedule is like. In the past I've done a lot of math homework and made PowerPoint presentations for him for some college classes. I've really tried to be a good girlfriend...aside from visiting. I kept hoping he would see it and leave the other person. The fact that I put up with his anger and that's beyond hard....he says he "loves me most, loves me more, prefers me".

I do care if he's with other people (girl or boy). He says there are just some things I need to accept...that it's not my fault but he can't change it, and that he could never marry me until the other person leaves him. He says he's waiting for him to leave, but I don't believe that.

He claims I've been a terrible gf for not visiting and that I'm abusive. His other person and friends say the same. Is this the truth?

He and his friends are abusive assholes, and they need to accept that. I haven't read one good thing about your relationship with him, it's all you-give-and-he-takes.You have the right to expect an exclusive relationship with your boyfriend, and if he can't give you that, you absolutely have the right to move on and find someone better. What do your friends say about this situation? I hope that you didn't give up your friends to be with this jerk. Also, I hope that you haven't been engaging in unprotected sex with this guy.

You know what is your fault? You have been a complete doormat and let everybody walk all over you. Stop that. Find some self-esteem and stand up for yourself. If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything. So stop being such a sad victim. Figure out what you want, and go get it.

[IndiReloaded]

Have you considered these two guys are trying to manipulate you? You sound terribly naive. They could have a whole string of online girls like you and trying to see which ones they can manipulate into a visit. Where they will tie her up, have their way with her and then maybe kill her.

You know something is weird and wrong about this whole situation. I think the fact you haven't visited is your gut/brains last desperate attempt to keep you in the gene pool.

Just saying.

[VincenzoG91]

My bf and I started out long distance.

This remark is unclear. Have you ever met him face-to-face? I assumed that you meant that you started long distance but moved to live closer to him. If you've never met him, just stop talking to this guy.

[nerdy_guy]

He's giving you enough rope to hang yourself with and you're taking it and even saying thank you is what I see here. Stop being so pathetic.

[Ariea]

He's giving you enough rope to hang yourself with and you're taking it and even saying thank you is what I see here. Stop being so pathetic.

Some of the responses here seem very harsh and cruel.... I didn't ask to be called names.

[kitkitkitty]

i think sometimes people need to be somewhat 'harsh and cruel' to open people's eyes. we may not know you at all really but we don't want you to make the wrong decision. you don't come to see him and i think that you subconsciously know that theres a very good reason that you're not meeting up with him. it's a safety thing too.

[VincenzoG91]

Some of the responses here seem very harsh and cruel.... I didn't ask to be called names.

I am guilty as charged. You are being extremely tolerant of a bad situation, so it seems like gentle reassurances aren't going to be helpful. You need to hear how bad this so-called relationship looks to other people, because then you might actually do something to get out of it.

Just for review:

1. Your "boyfriend" isn't really your boyfriend, because he already has someone else.

2. Your "boyfriend's" boyfriend is cruel to you, and your "boyfriend" doesn't care.

3. Because of your very reasonable doubts about this situation, you haven't visited your "boyfriend" yet (or much... I'm not clear on which). Because of the ongoing verbal abuse by your "boyfriend" and his boyfriend, you are so confused that you are worried that you are actually the abusive one. You aren't the abuser, you're the victim.

Everybody here wants you to stop being a victim.

[Gigabitch]

I've ignored your report of a "rude" post because I think you need to hear what these people are saying.

This guy is using you like a Kleenex. He'll use you until he tires of you and then he will throw you away. Stop allowing this.

[Ariea]

I understand the advice, and I am not discounting that. I haven't argued with a single letter of that! My report wasn't because of the advice. I am listening and grateful for the feedback.

I was only wishing that I wouldn't be called names here (ie pathetic etc). I've endured a lot of that already, and I felt coming for advice...well, that I wouldn't have more of that thrown my way. It just hurts to be called more names. That's all. I hope that makes sense, not trying to be picky at all. I'm sorry for the trouble.