really really scared

[hodgo]

well my story goes something like this.
six years ago (i was 11) i met the most amazing person i have ever met and i fell in love and he loved me back. it was pretty instantaneous i dont know how but i just knew i loved him and he told me everyday that he adored me through amazing poems and love letters. he can write so well! no 11 year old should be able to write that well!

anyway... we were together for over a year but then we went to different high schools and i dont have a good reason but i ended it. it was the hardest thing ive ever done and i cried for weeks because i was so scared as to whether i did the right thing or not. somehow i convinced myself that it was the right thing and at the time i believed that i had moved on.

in hindsight i can see that he wasnt coping well. he still called me at least once a week, we caught up occasionally, usually with a group of friends as well though.

as time went by i began to struggle with moving on too. ive had one boyfriend and several crushes since but each of them i always compared to him. i didnt realise just how much i really loved him until i had been with someone else who just did not compare.

about a year after we broke up he moved to canada with his family (i live in australia).my heart broke that day, i cried, he cried, my mum cried, it was horrible even though we weren't actually together we were still like best mates.

Thankfully we still kept in contact, (its been 5 years since he moved) talking online for hours whenever we could.ive always still had very strong feelings for him but i buried them very deep inside, i tried to ignore them, hoping they would go away - i didnt even tell my best friend in the whole wide world about how i was really feeling because i really wanted to move on. i never knew that while i was going through this, He was too, i fantasized about it but i just thought it would be too good to be true so i never said anything.

i think about a year and a half ago we had a really deep conversation about us. we were flirting and seriously teasing and talking about things like what it would be like if we were still together. he got getting a bit 'teary' and was 'holding on to all those years ago'. then he sent me a song and sed it would explain everything. it did but i didnt realise it until recently because i never actually got to listen to the song until this year! it made me realise that at the time he sent it he was still in love with me, like i was with him!! now that i know this i am in absolute agony because i still love him but i dont know if he does???

ive given up on trying to move on, there is no point, i can't deny my feelings any longer because he is ALWAYS in my thoughts. i've come to the conclusion that the only way i can ever move on is if i hear, straight from him that he will never love me again.
this isn't the sort of thing that i can just ask over the phone/internet because so many things can get misinterpreted so i've decided to fly over to him and tell him how i feel. we've always talked about one of us somehow getting to the other, i've always thought it would be him cos he had help money-wise and more opportunity. but i've beaten him to it. this summer just gone i worked my ass off to pay for a ticket and now in just 4 weeks, 4 days i will see him again!!!!
i am absolutely terrified, this is the scariest thing i predict i will ever do but at the same time i am more excited than words can say!! the fact is i am struggling without him and frankly i would love to grow old with him. (he did once say to me that he wanted to marry me - but we were young, very young)

i realise i am risking my whole heart but i know that i will be better for it no matter what the outcome is. i am preparing my self for every outcome, no matter how bad it is i will still be broken hearted but i think i will finally be able to heal for good, so not only is this something i want to do but i NEED to so much.

i'm so sorry its such a long post. i would really appreciate any advice or any success story similiar!

thankyou for reading it

[Cain]

Well, if you feel he's the one, it doesn't hurt to find out if he feels the same way.

Good luck.

[greenhalf]

Woo yeah fellow Aussie.

If he feels the same way about you, clearly he will also be horrified. So expect an awkward silence or two.

But I'm sure you will be fine once you get chatting. Compare it to doing something in front of a large crowd, you are nervous as shit to start, but once you find some flow, you are sweet.

Good luck.

[PussyCatDoll]

you can tell him you like him, and see what he says.

If he's still in Canada its gona be kinda hard.

[Cain]

The distance will definitely make it hard. One of you would have to have plans to move to the other.

And honestly, tell him how you feel but don't mention marriage. Your whole plan could backfire and you could scare him away.

[hodgo]

i wasnt going to mention marriage! lol. thanks guys. if things do go well i was thinking i would move over there cos i love travelling and i have to go to uni somewhere so maybe thats a possibility???
when would you reccommend telling/asking him?? im there for 3 weeks. do i do at the start and risk making the trip awkward if its bad news? in the middle? or at the end and risk having wasted all that time we've had together.
GAH! dont no what to do i just dont know!

[Cain]

Just go on your trip and while there, have a heart to heart with him. Just don't come off as clingy or desperate... or crazy. If he still likes you he'll be thrilled.

[dave123]

hey thanks for the comment!!!!.. i would say tell him right away, i think its worth the chance, as i have regrets from being quiet, and when we finally did say it out that we liked each other more then friends, it was amazing!... and we had a great time.... one thing though is that i am now really missing being with them!! and holding them close... it was a great feeling... and now they are not around its anoying!.. but yea regrets are not good! so go with what you want to do ASAP...

good luck!