I feel stuck...

[im_in_love]

So, weird situation. A little background, my friend and I used to date years ago. Since then we've become best friends and haven't truly lost feelings for each other. She started dating a guy about a year after her and I did, and she is still with him, years later. Now, this guy has cheated on her before, more than once. She knows this, she's caught him each time. She's also caught him messaging and emailing other girls. She says that he is saying things he shouldn't be to them (she doesn't tell me exactly the things he says) He's even been borderline abusive to her. She breaks it off after this happens each time, but of course forgives him. She's addicted to him, it seems. They have their own place together and have seemed to be fine for a couple months now....

Here's the issue... I was on a social networking site recently, and randomly found a friend of a friend's page. I saw the picture and noticed that the guy in it (who was very cuddly and close to the girl in the photo) looked A LOT like my friend's boyfriend. I went on her profile and looked at a few other pics just to make sure. The comments on the pictures confirm that the two are an "item." Now, I've looked at all the pictures of them two and I've tried to determine if it's my friend's boyfriend, but I can't be sure. It looks so much like him. None of my friends know the guy as he is older and not from the state we live in. So I can't really bring someone else in and ask what they think. I'm afraid to bring it up to my friend in fear that she will get mad at me for thinking badly of her boyfriend or snooping or something. I'm also afraid that if I show her, it will end up actually being him, and will hurt her more.

I just really don't know what to do... I'm her friend, and I'm in no way a friend of her boyfriend, so I don't owe him anything. My loyalties are completely to my friend. I just don't want to hurt her either way. Anyone have any advice? Remember, this guy does have a history of cheating.

[nutman]

Well, after reading that first paragraph, I'd tell her. If this boyfriend of hers cheats on her, borderline abuses her etc. like you say, he sounds like scum. If you care about your friend, I'd do anything possible to make sure she gets rid of this guy, even if it means hurting her in the process, regardless of whether he's the guy in the photo or not. But like everything I've read on these forums so far, its impossible for me to have a proper view on the situation when I'm going on a couple of paragraphs. Only you know best. On the other hand, if you do tell her, problems will arise in your relationship, which is clearly what you're worried about. If it's at all possible, try and get in contact with this guy and have a heart-to-heart or whatever lol. A lot of the time people don't like the fact that they cheat / do nasty things, they just don't have any control over their emotions and chase every feeling they experience. If you can logically explain a situation to somebody so that they can see what they've done wrong really clearly, they can have a sudden change of heart. But yeah, a tricky situation you're in!

[im_in_love]

Thank you for your reply! I've tried my hardest to get her to leave this guy. EVERYONE around her sees how bad he is for her and says the same things, but she gets extremely angry at me for saying anything bad about him. She says she does the same with him when he talks badly about me. Her boyfriend and I don't get along very well, so I can't really have a heart to heart with him. We've tried to become friends and talk before, but it just ends up with drama and eventually she told us to just stay away from eachother and not talk to or about eachother. This guy is a classic cheater/abuser. He does whatever he wants, and comes back and apologizes left and right and promises he'll never do it again. The guy's a low-life. I feel like my friend is only staying with him 1, because she's addicted to him somehow, and 2, because she still feels like she can be the one girl to change him. He's done this with other girls, yet for some reason she thinks she'll be the one to magically change him, even though she hasn't yet.

[MerryH]

I feel like my friend is only staying with him 1, because she's addicted to him somehow, and 2, because she still feels like she can be the one girl to change him. He's done this with other girls, yet for some reason she thinks she'll be the one to magically change him, even though she hasn't yet.

I feel like you're only her friend 1) because you're addicted to her somehow, and 2) because you still feel like you can be the one guy to change her. You've done this with other girls, yet for some reason you think you'll be the one to magically change her, even though you haven't yet.

Edit: Oops, I didn't answer your original question. You should tell your friend that you saw a photo that might be of the boyfriend. Explain that you just stumbled across it and that you weren't snooping or being sneaky or whatever, but you think she should see it. Send her the link(s), and then pretend it never happened.

[blinki]

A lot of the time people don't like the fact that they cheat / do nasty things, they just don't have any control over their emotions and chase every feeling they experience.!

are you talking about the cheater? they don't like what they do? if you that's what you're saying....WHAT???

[steviej]

Create a new email account. Email her the link to these photo's anonymously.

Drama will be created and you won't be to blame.