Broken but not defeated

[Rebroken78]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but it's a bit complicated...

My (now) ex-fiance' and I just split up about a week ago. We were together for about 5 years, and now in retrospect I'm surprised at myself for staying with her for so long. Hence what I wrote in my profile, I'm a lover, not a fighter, but I guess I tend to fight for relationships that aren't worth fighting for. We had trust issues very early on in our relationship. We were seeing each other for 7 months before we moved in together. It was long distance up to that point - she lived 2 hours away, so it was usually overnight trips on weekends about every other week. Less than a month after she moved in, I got a phone call from her ex telling me that he really "enjoyed her" last night. Other things were said that led me to believe he wasn't lying. He still lived 2 hours away, according to her they hadn't spoken to each other since before we started seeing each other, and yet he knew exactly where we lived, even how we had our furniture arranged in our apartment. Hell, he knew which pictures we had on the walls! I confronted her and she said he must have got those details from her brother in law, whom he was friends with. I didn't really believe it, and occasionally asked her questions over the next couple weeks to try to trip her up on her answers. I knew she had plenty of time to cheat because I was working 10 hour graveyard shifts, she wasn't working at all! Anyway, she kept denying it, and a few inconsistencies in her explanation of various things came up. The problem was, I had no proof and I didn't want to risk throwing our relationship away over suspicions based on mere accusations without evidence.

About 9 months later, we moved to LA (we were in Sacramento, CA before). Roughly 3 months later, I dropped something in the trash accidentally and had to dig it out. What did I find as I was digging? A used condom. Well, the issue is, we never used them. She has an IUD, so there was no need. I confronted her about it and she finally admitted that she'd cheated on me with her ex for 3 months (even after I confronted her back at the beginning). He had recently come to see her in LA. I couldn't believe it! She started fabricating a story to excuse her actions, but I knew it was all lies. At first she claimed he had found her, threatened to kill me if she didn't have sex with him, so she was doing it to protect me. Then her excuse was that he raped her. I'd like to know how he got into the apartment then, since you have to buzz someone in and we had 3 locks on the door, none of which were damaged. I asked her how many times she'd screwed him since we were together, she said 5. So he raped her 5 times and she never said a word about it??? Yeah, right. And I was born yesterday too, right? After weeks of arguing about it, her making up stories and me telling her she's full of it, I decided to let it go and TRY to forgive and forget. I knew this was a bad idea, but I had other reasons for staying with her which, now, I realize were just excuses I fed myself to make it seem like it wasn't a horrible idea.

Anyway, 4 months later or so, we moved to AZ because the company I was working for closed up over the weekend, leaving 30 people without a job and no warning and at almost the same time, the business she'd been running lost it's biggest client, which was 50% of it's total net. In LA, losing 75% of your income within two weeks is a good sign that you're not meant to be there, so we left. Anyway, we've been here in AZ since and I've never been able to trust her since the day she finally admitted to cheating. I tried so damn hard to trust her, to believe in her again, to forgive her... But she didn't make it easy. Within a few months she seemed to want to act like nothing ever happened, but I could barely even play along. Our relationship has been rocky since then, and I suppose I knew it would eventually come to an end. What I didn't expect is that she would do it AGAIN!!! About a week ago, I had some suspicions that something was going on, so I flat out asked her if she was seeing someone else. She admitted it, she'd been screwing someone from work for the past two months. What a *****!!!!

I was stunned, but sadly, I wasn't really surprised. So now I'm in a damn awkward situation. My job had a cutback about 3 months ago, I went from working 50 hours a week to 35 and a month later I got hit with child support. So now I don't have enough income to afford even a studio apartment by myself, still have 8 months left on the lease with her, and she can't afford her own place either so we're both basically stuck living together even though every time I see her I want to scream. She's still seeing him and she's almost never here, which is good, but living under the same roof is driving me crazy. I'm moving in with a friend in a couple weeks, but in the mean time I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

At first I felt relieved that I didn't have to listen to her bitch about every last little damn thing in the world and use any excuse to start a huge argument. I didn't have to deal with all the BS any more. The last couple days I haven't seen her at all, which I'm glad for, but being alone is driving me crazy. Yesterday it finally sank in fully and I broke down, could hardly breathe. My sister called me to see how I was doing and I couldn't even speak. I don't want her back, I couldn't bare to be with her again, not after this, but I feel so damn isolated, hollow, empty. I just want to get out of here, away from her forever.

She's a very jealous person (ironic, huh?) so I haven't made many friends since I moved back to AZ. I have family here, but it's not quite the same as having a close friend to talk to. I know I'll get through this, but in the mean time, I'm losing my mind.

Ok, there.... I got it off my chest. I guess that's supposed to help. How long does that usually take to kick in?

[Evolution3000]

Ah no man! It does sound like you brought it on yourself! Should have listened to the gut earlier on and gotten out and found yourself a better one easier said than done but at least now you know for the future! Got to keep alert in any relationship and ask yourself everyday is she treating me in the same way that I would treat her?? That's what I've learned from my past and what I plan to use in the future. Good luck with that nasty old break-up pain and keep out and doing stuff. It helps.