Very Strong Feelings For Someone I Can't Have

[EmptyChurch]

Hello All... This is my first time on a forum like this.

My best friend of ten years is female, and she's ten years younger then I am, if it matters.

I have really strong feelings for her. I've carried this torch for nearly a decade. She is ambitious, intelligent, beautiful, kind, loving, funny, and good in bed. Her and I were friends with benefits for a brief time about two years after I met her.

There more to it then the sexual attraction though. She's a person I could really see myself being happy with. I really feel like she is my soul mate.

I lived on the other side of the country for a long time, but her and I still kept in contact. About a week before I moved back, I told her I could so easily fall for her... but I was afraid of it happening, because I didn't want my heart to get broken. And, she told me she feels the same way. I asked her where we go from here. And she said "I don't know."

Then when I moved back... it didn't take long at all before the sparks started flying between us again. And the sex is just as good as I remember too... I think it's even better now. When I am with her there is so much intimacy and passion. I haven't had it like this with anyone else. When I get her off... oh my God. I can't even describe how I feel just getting her off. And It's like she knows what I want without me even having to ask for it, and vise versa. Her and I are just so good together that way... and pretty much every other way, to be honest.

I am 41 years old... fat, ugly, old, with some serious body issues brought on by a medical problem I am recovering from. Not only can I not work out, but there are things about my body right now that would disgust most women. She is able to look passed all that. When I asked her how it didn't matter to her, she smiled and said "I'm not as young and hot as I used to be either." But she says she is able to because she really cares about me and that stuff doesn't matter when you really care for someone.

So... you might be asking what the problem is.

Well... the problem is her husband, and my girlfriend.

She is in a polyamorous marriage. So, she isn't cheating really. I know some people would argue that adultery is what it is no matter what. But she isn't sneaking around trying to hide anything from her husband.

Unfortunately that is not the case with me and my girlfriend. We used to be poly, but we aren't anymore. Our relationship was open when my friend and I started having sex a long time ago, if anyone is wondering.

I've been with her 20 years. We have four kids. I don't feel the same way about her I used to anymore. She is lazy, she smokes pot all day, and she wants me to support her. She thinks I should go on disability so we can get free money. She's not that great a mother either.

My gf has no idea what's going on with my friend and I.

If my friend and her husband split, I would leave my girlfriend... I wouldn't even think twice about it.

I know this is a bad situation... very messy. I am prepared to hear not so friendly replies. I just needed to talk to someone.

[steviej]

Wow, what a situation!

How does this girl feel about her husband? Does she love him?
If you got with her, would it be exclusive or poly?

It's messy, but if your feelings for her are this strong then you need to find out how she feels. It isn't fair on your girlfriend to keep cheating on her, you need to sort this asap.
Also, if this girl decides she'll never leave her husband for you, will you stay with your girlfriend because you have no choice or be straight with her and leave?

[EmptyChurch]

Wow, what a situation!

How does this girl feel about her husband? Does she love him?
If you got with her, would it be exclusive or poly?

It's messy, but if your feelings for her are this strong then you need to find out how she feels. It isn't fair on your girlfriend to keep cheating on her, you need to sort this asap.
Also, if this girl decides she'll never leave her husband for you, will you stay with your girlfriend because you have no choice or be straight with her and leave?

To answer your first question, she says she loves him. But I sometimes wonder why. He hasn't treated her that great lately. When they first got together I was so happy for her. Yes, in some ways I was upset, but that was my own selfishness. I was upset because we couldn't have the sexual part of our relationship anymore. But at the same time I was happy that she found someone like him. I can honestly say I respected him in the beginning. Over the years though... he has shown his true colors. She had a nervous breakdown several years ago, and even though she denies it, I think he was the cause of it. It was him who suggested the open marriage, probably so he could freely cheat on her. Since he cheated on her before they opened up the marriage.

Next question... If I got with her, if it was up to me we would be exclusive. And I know I would be faithful to her. Problem is, she's not convinced. I asked her once if we were in a relationship if she could trust me, and she straight out told me no. And then she said it would most likely be an open relationship. I told her I couldn't handle it... not sharing her with other guys. I was actually wounded when she said she wouldn't be able to trust me. But then again... I am the one that's cheating with her. So, I see where she is coming from.

I know this isn't fair to my girlfriend... I may not love her anymore, but I still realize I'm being unfair. She is the mother of my kids. There will always be that even if the feelings dissolved years ago. It's because of the kids that I've stayed, honestly.

If my friend makes it clear she will never leave him for me... I would stay with my girlfriend because of the kids and because I'm too chickensh-- to leave. I couldn't imagine being single... Not the way the world is today.

[steviej]

Being besotted with this other girl and sleeping with her (on and off) for ten years must have taken a serious toll on your relationship, is there no way to salvage it? Could you cut contact with the other girl and concentrate on your girlfriend?

Personally I don't have the kind of patience you've shown, i'd either want all or nothing with the other girl, this in between thing just leads to heartbreak.

What are your thoughts on what you're going to do next? Just carry on the way things are, or make a drastic change?
I can imagine it must have hurt to hear the other girl say she wouldn't trust you in a relationship, is she aware just how deep your feelings are for her?

[EmptyChurch]

Being besotted with this other girl and sleeping with her (on and off) for ten years must have taken a serious toll on your relationship, is there no way to salvage it? Could you cut contact with the other girl and concentrate on your girlfriend?

Personally I don't have the kind of patience you've shown, i'd either want all or nothing with the other girl, this in between thing just leads to heartbreak.

What are your thoughts on what you're going to do next? Just carry on the way things are, or make a drastic change?
I can imagine it must have hurt to hear the other girl say she wouldn't trust you in a relationship, is she aware just how deep your feelings are for her?

I wouldn't say it's been off and on the whole ten years. There was a period of about 6 months back in 2003 when her and I were sleeping together. Ans then it started up again just recently.

There has been more then that that's taken a toll on my relationship over the years. My girlfriend cheated on me with a member of my own family two years ago. This was in a time when we weren't open. But I'm not going to sit here and blame her for everything. I am not perfect either, obviously. I don't think my relationship is salvageable because of what she did with my family member. It would be hard to end it after 20 years, but I could because of that alone.

I absolutely will not cut contact with the other woman. She is my best friend. She's the only person I can really talk to and be myself around. I can't talk to my girlfriend... she interrupts constantly and doesn't listen. When I was going through these medical issues and was dying in the hospital, it was thoughts of my kids and thoughts of my best friend that kept me fighting. I kept thinking I have to get through this, so I can see my kids grow up and so I can see my friend's face again and tell her how I really feel about her. And I did... as soon as I got out of the hospital I told her how close I am to falling for her and that I would leave my girlfriend for her.

She says she feels the same way about me. So, I wonder if she feels as bad sharing me with my girlfriend as I feel sharing her with her husband.

I have no idea what to do next... this whole thing scares the hell out of me.

It did hurt a lot to hear her say that... but I give her credit for being honest. At least she told the truth. I don't think she understand how bad I have it for her. I really don't. And it could be the age gap... She might not have the capacity to understand. She is ten years younger then I am and doesn't have the life experience I've had. She probably can't comprehend my willingness to end a 20 year relationship to be with her.

I wanted a relationship with her back in 2003... I was just too chicken to ask. I would have left my girlfriend then too. But... I didn't want to put this ready made family in front of her to take care of. She was a college student at the time. And she worked full time. If her and I would have been in a relationship, she would have been raising four kids with me. And what would be the first thing to suffer... her education. I didn't want her to compromise her life for me. I knew over time she would resent me for it.

[steviej]

So where does that leave you with regard to your choices? Staying in a relationship with someone you don't really want to be with whilst seeing someone who you do want to be with behind her back. How long will that go on for, would it not make you more miserable than happy?

From my own personal view on what I would do given that information - i'd continue to see the girl, but mabe start subtly trying to move the relationship forward, with the end result getting her to choose between you and her husband. I just would not be able to carry on sharing her.
Of course it comes with risks, you might lose what you have with her now!
Nothing ventured, nothing gained as the saying goes.
Tough choices though, it seems that no matter what path you take someone will get hurt.

[MerryH]

Oh man, why are you with your girlfriend again? Because of the kids? That's not a good enough reason. Your kids will be fine whether their parents are together or not. She sounds terrible, and you sound miserable with her. You said yourself the relationship isn't salvageable. End it already.

And since you're so sprung on this other girl, I don't think it would matter to you if she were to continue her marriage. You should probably just keep that going since it's working so well.