Once a cheater always a cheater?

[christina808]

My boyfriend cheated on me three years ago, I forgave him, but can't forget about it. Now, even after three years I can't get myself to trust him. What's worst is that now he has a new job that only requires us to see each other three times a week. I am tired of all the distrust, and I'm sure he is too. Although he swears from his mother's grave that he will never cheat again, but I don't really believe him. We have been together for 8 years now, we were seriously thinking about getting married three years ago, until he cheated on which, now we're back to zero.

I am seriously thinking of leaving him and start fresh. Do you think I should leave him? or try to work things out. I asked some of my friends and they said that 8 years is long time to just throw away. They want want me to work things out with him. I think what I am really afraid of is to be cheated again.

Do you guys believe that once a cheater will always be a cheater?

[gcord85]

I personally don't believe that statement. I once cheated and have never done it again, nor thought about doing it again. Some people live and learn. Even with that being said, I don't believe trust is something you can win back. Once that trust is gone there will always be a mistrust regardless of what he or she says. If you really love him then try to work it out, but be prepared to always have trust being an issue in your relationship.

[Paula]

I think you should leave him. His past cheating will eat away at you, even if he never does it again. The foundation of your relationship (trust) is already shattered, it's only a matter of time until the whole thing falls apart.

[IndiReloaded]

Not everyone can forgive this kind of thing. Nor should you have to. He destroyed your trust; it would be a grand gesture to forgive, but a lot depends on him as well. It doesn't sound like he really made amends to you. Time to start fresh, yes.

[mel2208]

Once that trust is gone there will always be a mistrust regardless of what he or she says.

My ex cheated on me after 7 years of being together. I couldnt trust him after that. It really did start to eat me away. It made me ill.
You could try councelling? we tried it but it didnt work for us personally. We ended up splitting up in the end.

Where theres no trust, theres no relationship. I know its probably not nice to even think about splitting up with him when you love him but it wont get better. just depends if you wanna carry on the way you are or not?

good luck x

[VincenzoG91]

I think that most cheaters will remain cheaters. Cheating isn't kind of a random oops, it starts with the values and priorities of the cheater and often seems to involve a great deal of premeditation. So unless a cheater is truly willing to dig deep and work on becoming a better person, it's a safe bet that the cheating will eventually resume.

[christina808]

So did the person you cheated took you back? If she did, what did you to to prove to her to get a second chance? I believe in what you said that some people live and learn. Part of me believes that he is sincere but I guess being cheated is not that simple, it makes you question yourself, your worth and capacity. I question a lot of things about myself after being betrayed by a person who I have been for 5 years (the time he cheated), it also makes me bitter about a lot of things. Don't get me wrong I am working on it, but sometimes looking at my partner reminds me not only his infidelity, but also the low side of myself, meaning looking at him makes me feel bad about myself. Being cheated can be quite traumatic.

[christina808]

I think you should leave him. His past cheating will eat away at you, even if he never does it again. The foundation of your relationship (trust) is already shattered, it's only a matter of time until the whole thing falls apart.

Believe me, I am seriously thinking of that. Sometimes being in a long term relationship can be curse rather than a gift. I use to laugh at people for staying in a relationship because of the "years" that they have been together, but now I am one of those people. I take our eight -year togetherness in consideration, though. SO many things had happened, but I what you said that his cheating will eat away at you is true. I doesn't help in making me sleep better at night.

[christina808]

Not everyone can forgive this kind of thing. Nor should you have to. He destroyed your trust; it would be a grand gesture to forgive, but a lot depends on him as well. It doesn't sound like he really made amends to you. Time to start fresh, yes.

Wow, you can't imagine how many times I've heard that exact same words- grand gesture. Almost all of my friends have been telling me to do the grand gesture of forgiveness. I kind of feel awkward when they say that, even if I know that they want best for me, because being cheated is very personal- I am the only one who knows what I did and gave in the relationship.That's why I feel kinda relieved when you said not everyone can forgive this kind of thing.nor should I have to. Thank you.

[cmacattack1]

First of all, don't listen to what your friends have to say. They are telling you that you shouldn't just throw it away, but they don't really understand the extent of your happiness. You should not be in something that does not make you happy. How many people's parents have we seen in loveless marriages that just sap away their very will to live? It's not an easy decision to just leave somebody of eight years, but do not stay in this because you are afraid of what else is out there. There are plenty of people in this world that can be your "one", you just have to have enough confidence in yourself to make that leap.

Also, him saying that he will never cheat again (cute that he said on his mother's grave) is not a very comforting statement. He cannot predict the future and he cannot predict how he will feel later on in life. What if he finds himself feeling the same way he felt when he cheated on you the first time? Who's to say that it wouldn't happen again? It's just another promise that could possibly be broken after he broke his promise to be faithful to you when he made you his exclusive girlfriend.

If you believe this is something worth fighting for, explore all your possible options. Doing nothing will just allow the resentment to build and your love for him if it's not gone already will dwindle fast. Three years is a long time to carry this burden on your shoulders. If all else fails, do not be afraid of what else is out there. A fresh start with somebody new can bring you the feelings you are looking for.

[christina808]

My ex cheated on me after 7 years of being together. I couldnt trust him after that. It really did start to eat me away. It made me ill.
You could try councelling? we tried it but it didnt work for us personally. We ended up splitting up in the end.

Where theres no trust, theres no relationship. I know its probably not nice to even think about splitting up with him when you love him but it wont get better. just depends if you wanna carry on the way you are or not?

good luck x

He proposed to have counseling, if it can help make things right again and I am considering it. I really believe that this is really eating me away. This whole scenario makes me emotionally ill.

[Cosmo]

My girlfriend cheated, I forgave her we did counselling, after awhile we got engaged, she cheated again.


In my opinion yes, cheaters will always be cheaters. I thought like you, and it hurt me more than I've ever been hurt. Cheating isn't some random accident.

You never ever want to hurt the person you love. cheating is the ultimate way of hurting someone. Logically if you cheat you don't love the person.


... I know we lose sight of this when we are in relationships (I did), but there really are thousands of fish in the sea and many of them are as compatible or more compatible than your current mate who clearly took you for granted and doesn't deserve you. I thought I'd never meet anyone that I loved as much as this girl. Throughout the relationship we always told each other how lucky we were to have found each other... Tonight I found out that in a single year (the year before I met the heartbreaker) I had more girlfriends than my friend has had in his entire life. I wasn't lucky to be with this girl, she was lucky to be with me (haha that's a joke). ..
... My point is that you've probably had tonnes of boyfriends and if you left this jerk (as you should) you'll have tonnes more. Its not like you'll die alone if you break up. That's honestly how I felt.

[bloodtippedrose]

Seriously I believe once a cheater always a cheater.. If your relationship is that bad, just have the balls to break up! If you dont have the balls to do it, you cheat, or youre an attention whore that likes to string along as many guys as possible. Ive met people that have cheated and they can be awesome people but Id never date them!

[christina808]

I think that most cheaters will remain cheaters. Cheating isn't kind of a random oops, it starts with the values and priorities of the cheater and often seems to involve a great deal of premeditation. So unless a cheater is truly willing to dig deep and work on becoming a better person, it's a safe bet that the cheating will eventually resume.

Yes, I agree, cheating isn't kind a random ooopps. I'm a great believer of belief system, that's why I am so terrified of what I am getting into now, he may show remorse on what he did but I am afraid that someday, something will trigger him to cheat again. What's difficult in our scenario is that we have been together for eight years and it's hard for me to decipher his motive of getting back- is it because we have been together for eight years or is it because he really is sorry or truly loves me.

[bloodtippedrose]

I dont know if your guy will change or not, Im not a cheater and I dont think like they do. I can say though to not let yourself be blinded by love. If he starts acting funny or you find something you shouldnt do not go into 'denial' mode. I wouldnt break up with him yet, Id give him a chance, but its going to take alot of time to get my trust back, and he should know that.