Friend her or avoid her?

[ksmit]

I recently botched a relationship with a girl I was dating for a couple months because I never made a move and became too attentive and weak. Needless to say, her interest level fell to the floor. It is the first girl I ever dated and I have still yet to even kiss a girl.

On our 4th date, she invited me out on a late night walk and I should have kissed her but hugged her instead (I was too nervous). The following days she was acting tired and sad. I felt like I had to take action so I confessed that I liked her a lot and regretted not telling her sooner to dispel any doubts in her mind.

The next day, she visited me (very rare for her to do) and was happy to see me, so I figure I'm back in the game. I ask her out the following weekend and she says she really wants to go, but ends up not even calling me back on the day we're supposed to go. The following day she apologizes and offers to treat me to dinner. I go, but insist we go dutch. Her guard is up the whole time and seems uncomfortable. Sounds like nothing more than an apology meal. I don't know if all women are like this, but she never says what's on her mind and generally communicates very poorly verbally.

Nevertheless, we are still interacting like normal. However, a few days later I ask her if she wants to do another walk like we did the other day but says she has a headache. DOWNHILL FROM HERE. Since then she's ignoring my emails and avoiding ALL contact with me. I'm in my infancy in the dating world, but I can tell it's so painful for her to keep making excuses to avoid me that she's cutting all communication. So I pay her a visit at her desk for some friendly conversation and I can tell she's all upset and stressed like she can't get rid of me but doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Obviously I'm backed completely off her at this point but might talk to her once a week to show that I'm comfortable and she should be too.

• We're both in our 20s
• Work in the same building, but rarely bump into each other at all
• Been out together 5 times

Question: Things between us are very awkward now and she's so uncomfortable around me that she doesn't know what to do. I ignore her myself now but must have really creeped her out. I can tell I have her all stressed out and it breaks my heart that she can't even stand being around me. I am still very attracted to this girl and still want to be friends with her, so what could I do to clear the air between us?

It's very hard for me to move on and I don't know if I should cut her out of my life or friend her. The only reason I don't want to friend her is because I'll know when she's dating other guys or gets married and just the thought of it eats my gut. She has only met my shell though and doesn't really know me. If I friend her I think my true qualities will show and she might come back for me. If I start dating other women/asking her for advice it could make her jealous as well where she'll take me back. Am I wishful thinking?

This is basically what I want to communicate but not sure how:
"I'm sorry things got weird between us, but I think we could still be good friends if we put it behind us."

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Ignore her. If she tries to hang out with you, tell her you're not interested in anything except dating her, and you don't want her to contact you anymore unless she changes her mind.

Stop being such a sap.

[ksmit]

Anyone else agree with this guy? I want her badly and trying to find any way to win her over again. Is giving up really the best option?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Caring too much is what got you here in the first place. Now you have to show her that you don't care that much, and that you're fine without her, and not sitting at an internet forum trying to come up with a grand gesture to show how much you care. Get it? She doesn't want a pushover with no balls, and here you are looking for a way to reinforce that image of you in her head. Cut her off and show her that you're fine with out her. She might give you another shot, she might not, but she definitely won't if you keep this pussy shit up. In the future, stop caring what girls think, and just do what you want. It's worked phenomenally for me in the last few years.

[ksmit]

Now that's a good response. Thanks for that. What I wanted to know from others is if they agree with SAYING this to her: "I'm not interested in anything but dating so don't contact me unless you change your mind." Could that really spark attraction? Is it really not okay to just be friends? She's still a sweet and wonderful girl.

It still seems silly to me that we both went cold turkey on each other after being good friends for so long. Why let a little awkwardness ruin an otherwise good friendship?

What I've been doing is stopping by maybe once a week to say hi to her on occasion like everything is cool. Kind of like a little touch-base 2 minute conversation to prove I have composure and comfortable with how things are.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It still seems silly to me that we both went cold turkey on each other after being good friends for so long. Why let a little awkwardness ruin an otherwise good friendship?

What I've been doing is stopping by maybe once a week to say hi to her on occasion like everything is cool. Kind of like a little touch-base 2 minute conversation to prove I have composure and comfortable with how things are.

This kind of shit hurts my eyes.

First, you're not her friend. You're a wannabe, orbiter, that's fantasizing about her. That's not friendship, so there is not a friendship to be ruined.

As far as what I told you to say to her, unless she completely doesn't give a shit about you(which is entirely possible, judging from what you've said here), she will have a emotional response, which at this point is a win for you. Whether it works or not, it's your only option, besides rape.

[ksmit]

I don't know how anyone could deny we were friends. We communicated almost every day for weeks like friends would.

Thanks for your reply. I'm curious to see other angles here as well.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Wait, holy shit, I skipped the paragraph where you said she's ignoring you so pay her a weekly visit to her desk. Dude, stop being such a ****in weirdo. She doesn't like you, and she's probably really creeped out. Just leave her alone.

[ksmit]

Don't worry, it's not like I've been visiting her on a weekly basis for a long time. Just the last couple for VERY short small talk in attempt to show her that I'm cool with things the way they are and that she doesn't need to feel awkward around me. It's not like I was flirting with her. Just friendly small talk and she seems to respond okay to it. I think the majority of her stress was out of fear of hurting me. She's an extremely sensitive girl and will never be direct. Showing her that I'm okay and NOT pursuing should be comforting. Am I wrong?

Is there anything I could email her in a cool manner that would help relax her? I want to communicate that I'm aware of the mistakes I made, realize everything is over, but would still like to be cool with her. Any tips on how I could do this?

[oneandonly]

2 mintues or 2 hours make no difference. If I feel awkward around someone, I'd rather not see the person.

However cool you try to portray yourself, in her mind you are someone who's causing discomfort at the moment so leave her alone. Don't make a friendly visit to show her you are cool cos obviously you are not!

Friendship is crossed when you two started going out. It will take some time to go back to where it was. For now, just leave her alone and shift that attention to other potentials.

'Her stress was out of fear of huring you'? Maybe so. But that's your interpretation. If I don't feel a thing for a guy other than as a friend but he keeps showing up regardless of how long, I would feel very uncomfortable.

One thing I really don't understand is that why people try to put themselves where they are NOT wanted!

[ksmit]

However cool you try to portray yourself, in her mind you are someone who's causing discomfort at the moment so leave her alone. Don't make a friendly visit to show her you are cool cos obviously you are not!

I'm not in the healthiest mental state right now and don't need the negativity. You know what I mean by "cool". Occasional friendly contact that says "everything is okay now" seems more than appropriate. Besides, last time I had to walk by her desk SHE is the one who initiated the conversation before I even said anything.

'Her stress was out of fear of huring you'? Maybe so. But that's your interpretation. If I don't feel a thing for a guy other than as a friend but he keeps showing up regardless of how long, I would feel very uncomfortable.

Fair enough. I'm just trying to understand.

One thing I really don't understand is that why people try to put themselves where they are NOT wanted!

Because they don't know they are not wanted? Just because a relationship didn't work out you can't talk anymore? Doesn't make sense to me.

I want to send her a nice email that would explain myself and make her more comfortable around me. My intentions were always good and any awkwardness I caused was because I cared about her. I feel like a friendly email with the RIGHT words could ease a lot of tension between us.

If she were to receive an email from me, what would she want it to say that would accomplish this?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

" My intentions were always good and any awkwardness I caused was because I cared about her."

That's probably good right there if you're absolutely hell bent on sending an email to her. You should add that you just wanted her to know, and you don't need a response back. That will show that everything is cool.

[MerryH]

I can tell it's so painful for her to keep making excuses to avoid me that she's cutting all communication. So I pay her a visit at her desk for some friendly conversation and I can tell she's all upset and stressed like she can't get rid of me but doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

You do know that you are unwanted. You just don't want to accept it. You know you're making her uncomfortable. Stop pushing yourself on her.

[ksmit]

You do know that you are unwanted. You just don't want to accept it. You know you're making her uncomfortable. Stop pushing yourself on her.

That was only 1 time and when she started cutting contact after it. Last time I had to walk by her desk, she initiated the conversation with me and seemed okay. I was extremely brief and wanted to leave after 30 seconds. As I said bye and was about to walk away she actually kept the conversation going so I had to pull myself away shortly after.

BackUpOrGetStng, that sounds like the message I've been trying to portray to her. I'm going to wait for a little more feedback on other users before I send it though. I don't get why communication is so frowned upon and that I should completely ignore her. Email is very noninvasive and she would probably appreciate it.

[oneandonly]

.....Email is very noninvasive and she would probably appreciate it.

I know I wouldn't. I will cringe more. Everthing he does will seem to me as he's still trying...

The bottom line is that you are giving more meaning to what you two have/had than she does. If she initiates talking, you don't need to be rude by not responding. Make it brief like you did. Show her through your actions that everything is cool. That is, responding to her briefly only when she initiates. You don't go out of your way to talk to her. That way, you show that you don't have any hard feelings towards her. That is really 'you being cool'!

Don't send that cheesy email. I can tell you how cool you try to portray yourself through that message, you will achieve exactly the opposite effect. The only way you can get back to 'normal' is really, leave her alone and try to focus on people who actually want you back whatever capacity that may be i.e potential love interest or friend. Don't make people your priority when theirs obviously doesn't include you.