Help, ive found my match

[prettygreeneyes]

ok, this is a really long story so im sorry for going on. Ive always been the type to never let guys get close to me. I get bored quickly, and dont care for any guy (harsh i know) im the same with all apects of my life, i dont discuss feelings even with my closet friends or family. The guys that i did date would have to fill every category of my perfect guy before i would even speak to him. My standards are very high.

Then met this particular guy. He was soooo different to every guy i have dated and yet straight away i found him to be amazing. But (always a but) i soon found out he was married with young kids. At that point i just thought of him the way i do with all the other guys but i think deep down i was probably still interested.

so as time went on i began to see a lot of him. We have many mutual friends and he became a part of my social group. we would always find ourselves getting on well and as the evenings progressed we would always end up in our own conversation set aside from our group. we swapped numbers and would send each general messages and jokes. One day after a night out on the town the 2 of us decided to walk home as opposed to getting a taxi like we usually would. We were both very drunk and struggled to walk easily so we ended up layed in a park just talking rubbish. Without even thinking we were cuddled in to each other comfortably just looking up at the stars making shapes out of them. Then there was the moment of silence where we sat looking at each other for a while...........then we kissed!!! At this point we both freaked out a little, he sat feeling really bad. You could tell that cheating wasnt his style.

We decided to put it down to being a foolish drunken kiss and we swept it under the carpet. Things were strange for a couple of days but then we just clicked again, we carried on with the usual banter. Then it happened again and again and again etc untill finally we slept together.

At this point we had now known him for about 2 years, and yet had never met his wife! He and I both have our own companies who work closely together so was a little strange. Then weirdly enough she showed up at a meeting and straight away knew who i was. she seemed so lovely and genuine. I felt awful straight away and found myself in conversation with her. She told me what a great dad he was and how they met etc. Needless to say, i backed off.
Soon after that a friend of both mine and hers informed me that his wife was going mad about me, calling all of his friends and asking what was going on between us. Obviously they werent in the know so they told her there was nothing between us other then a professional relationship.

People then started telling me how unhappy his marriage was and his friends GF told me that he was mad about me and how i bought out the best in him. She told me that his wife knew who i was because he had talked about me so much and she was already paranoid before meeting me. It soon became obvious that the chat between his wife and myself was a way of warning me off.
I started to realise just how much i cared about him. My friends all suggested that my interest in him was purely a challenge as he was unavailable. I am a bit of a thrill seeker at the best of times so this theory began to make sense. I decided that i wasnt going to wreck his life just for my own pleasure.

The more i saw him the more i fell for him, although there was no physical relationship between us at this point i was heavily craving him and his time.
I then bought another company which is even more so dependent on him professional. As our working relationship grew so did our emotional relationship. We began seeing even more of each other and found ourselves alone after late night meetings, we would have a drink to discuss work but would always end up joking and laughing around.

We then went on a business trip and so stayed in the same accomodation. Although there were many of us that went on the trip once again we slept together, This bought nothing but trouble as i could see from the way that he looked at me and the way he touched me that there was more in it for him other then sex. we sat talking about different things including our pasts etc. He asked me if i thought i would ever find love and if i would settle down if i found the right guy. this i ignored. Our sexual affair had begun again. All this time i was still going in and out of relationships with other guys. I would kiss other guys in front of him blatently, almost to get a reaction.

I am really bad at talking about/showing my feelings and once again my cold hard nature stepped in to play and my imaginary emotional wall went up. He explained to me that his wife was really paranoid and i said she hd every right to be. Before long it seemed everyone knew about us, his best friend even questioned my intentions as i was ruining his marriage, he told me that he was close to be thrown out, my reply was simply that he was nothing but a drunken toy. BIG MISTAKE but thats what i do.

I assume that someone had said something to him and he told me we needed a chat, he told me that he really liked me and if he was single then he wouldnt let me go, but he was married and had his kids to think about. I again replied saying there was nothing in it and he could do what he wanted, it didnt bother me. obviously it did.

This didnt last long, he began to quite obviously get jealous about other guys being around me, calling me when i was with him and his mates who didnt know about us would say how fit i was. He then started to compliment me in front of mates, putting his arm around me and pointing out my best features. I started to date a guy i actually liked. he was a very very goodlooking guy, to the point where my friends were amazed by him (lets call him Steven). The married guy would ask loads of questions about Steven, asking about meeting him as he wanted to meet the guy that had managed to TAME ME, then one day i told the married guy that steve might be coming out socially with us his response was that he would feel unconfortable about it and wouldnt like not be able to joke around with me like he usually does. He would always ask me if i have as much fun with him and if he was as outgoing as me or if he had the same interests as me.

Recently me and steve split, he wanted too much commitment from me which i wasnt really happy to do, married guy must have seen this as a wake up call and began calling me all the time, txting a come round a lot. We began spending full weekends together, going away camping on the beach. he is always in trouble with is wife because he's not home and yet he doesnt seem to care. Things are different between us now, instead of just sex we spend hours just starring in to each others eyes, he will lay there stroking my face, smiling and playing childish games with each other. He says the loveliest things and makes some really romantic gentures.

Now ive reached the point where i can honestly say i am 100% crazy about him, everything i think about involves him, I cant imagine life without and its now starting to drive me mad that he goes home to his wife. i want to be with him but i cant tell him how i feel, even if i did i would hate to lose him especially as i have to see him all time. I need to know if he loves me but i know he probably wont say anything untill i drop my gaurd. Which i cant. Does he love me, would he leave her??? aaahhhhhh its driving me mad.

[vashti]

He might - or might not - love you, but he won't leave his wife for you. If he wanted to do that, it would have already been done.