How do you hurt someone

[Tone]

Hi LF. Long time no see. My apologies for not checking in with some of you (if you are still around) just to see how things are.

I know it's very selfish of me to wait until I need advice to come here.. but here I am.

It's taken me 2 hours just to start this because I don't know where to begin or how to explain everything without writing a novel..

But I've been dating a girl for around 15 months now. Those with good memories will remember she has a child who is almost 2 years old and had just left her husband. She takes bipolar and ADHD medicine, as well as has Xannax on standby for anxiety. Goes without saying that her emotional state was very fragile.. so it's been a very rough 15 months. Again those with good memories will recall a phase where she would lie about talking to her ex's. Well we got over all that and she's been good on that front.

However things are not so good with us. We have been living together for pretty much 13 of the 15 months we were together, mostly out of necessity, the rest out of naivety. Ultimately this appear to have been our doom, rushing too fast into everything. What she says about this, and I do agree, is it was what she needed at the time to get out of her emotionally abusive and unhappy relationship. Had she not had me she would have went back to him (even with me she almost did).

Fast forward to present day... we can't go a single day without fighting. I haven't been happy with our relationship in a long time and now she is no longer happy either. Biggest problem right now is living together.

My biggest gripe: She can't clean up after herself or her child. Our house is a mess, always. Her whole life she's had someone (mom & step-mom) who would clean up after her. I grew up with 3 women and I want the place I live in to be decent.. not a clean freak, it doesn't have to be 100% clean all day everyday... but when you get done eating put your dishes in the sink at least, not on the back couch cushion. I don't expect her on her hands in knees cleaning up my messes, I am more than willing to help and do my part..

Her biggest gripe: I don't treat her the same way I use to. I don't spend time with her and her son. Basically I am not the person I use to be.

And she is right. I am so angry all of the time. I admit I have resentment for the things she did early in our relationship. I have resentment towards her child for a number of reasons... for one he represents her poor decision making and is the reason she has to stay in contact with her prick ex. Mostly because of how she treats him though... it's infuriating to watch him just get away with anything and everything while she makes excuse after excuse. I'm expected to be his 'dad' and share in responsibility of changing diapers, getting up with him, feeding time, etc... but when it comes to discipline I can't do anything. I have told her this many times: that I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I have to ask myself if I really am up for this? I understand the huge responsibility you take when you date someone with a kid, I was iffy about it to begin with.. the fact that everything has been FORCED onto me with him at this point makes me question if I should even be around him? It's shameful the things I think and the anger I feel. I know it's not his fault, he's just a 2 year old boy. When it's just him and I in the house, when she is napping or running errands we get along just fine. He listens to me, he behaves.. but when she is home he knows he can get away with whatever and I am just left powerless. So, more anger and resentment builds.

That aside, just her and I's interactions... she doesn't know how to be in a healthy relationship, she's never had one. She is young and immature.. disagreements turn into fights which turn into screaming and shouting and saying hurtful things. Nothing ever is accomplished.

Basically when it comes down to it.. it kills me to even think this let alone say it.. she's just not the type of person I want to be with. There is no passion.. she doesn't like to kiss. This is something I have not been able to get over since the first month.. initially we spent a lot of time kissing but very briefly.. I LOVE to kiss.. I think it is so sensual, so passionate. Kisses now are pecks on the lips. I just feel no passion at all. Something that seems so small and meaningless.. like cuddling up on a Saturday night to watch a movie.. means so much to me. But she HATES watching movies because she says it feels like wasting time yet she can watching 9 straight hours of television.

We just don't have any common interests.. on top of it our relationship has been a case of bad timing.. I always think had we met on normal circumstances how different things can be. I've been holding out for things to get better til after the divorce was final.. and it has been final for a month now and things have just got exponentially worse.

I have one last thing to confess... my life has got worse since meeting her. After 4 months of her near begging me, I let her convince me to quit my job I had been working for 3.5 years in order to focus more on school and our 'family.' My biggest regret to this day as now we spend even more time together just to get more sick of each other which spills over to my school life in the most negative way. I need order and structure in my life and not working is killing me... Finding a job has been difficult as I am a student still so trying to find something that was as good as my last gig as far as pay and flexibility has been a failing effort. She has bled me financially, emotionally, and I am at my breaking point.


To sum it all up... I know this is going to kill her. She has spent a lot of time crying in the last few days. We decided living apart is the best course to try to salvage our relationship. Hoping I won't be as stressed about mess if it's not my house.. and that we will actually value the time we spend together. Right now we are not a couple, we are just complicated roommates. She says she doesn't feel worth anything.. that I think a clean house is worth more than our relationship.. I retort "How am I suppose to feel knowing my girlfriend is going to let something like this affect our relationship? That you can't do something as simple as clean up after YOURSELF"

However, I can't help but feel the way I do... that if there were a 'Reset' button I could push, so no one got hurt... I would do it.. it absolutely kills me.. KILLS ME.. thinking of her hurting because of me. If I leave her, it will be leaving her and her son.. her family.. she will have to admit failure again. She will have to do things alone for the first time.. only she won't be alone she has a little baby that depends on her. She has mental issues, takes bipolar and anxiety medicine. All her ex's have been complete pricks... now if MY memory serves correct Mish totally called this one.. I remember him saying she has shown a history of poor decision making.. and he is right.. and this is what scares me to death. If I knew she would find a guy who could handle her personality and would treat her well.. I would feel so much better. She is a very attractive girl though so the type of guys she will attract are the ones who will be looking for one thing... especially since she has a kid.. so of course when I think of her life after we would separate.. I see nothing but her bringing home loser after loser and having her heart broken time and time again... I see nothing but pain...

But I just cannot settle.. I cannot sacrifice my own happiness for hers can I..? I envy the person I was before I met her. I had everything going for myself. I wasn't in this financial hole. I was lonely but I was .. happy. I was more care free.. not this broken down shell of a person.. this person full of anger and lacking any.. .life. For the first time in my life I've had to actually convince myself reasons to stay with someone..that along should be my answer shouldn't it..? When you meet the right person your life should get better.. not worse.. right?

But I know that pulling the trigger and leaving her... it will devastate her... and right now I cannot deal with that kind of guilt.

I have never been good at keeping things short, so I apologize to anyone still left reading this and appreciate so much the time you've taken out your life to help me deal with my problems. I have no idea what to even think anymore.. I always thought I was someone who would always do what was right and always be able to see the positive in everything.. now I just don't know how to feel, what to say, or what to even think...

You guys are hearing my side of the story, I'm not perfect. I know I was wrong in so many things.. I knew better than to rush into things so fast.. but it was what she needed. She was desperate and looking for any out.. I'm the one who knew better. Now we are both paying for it.

[Boisdevie]

Relationships end. People get hurt. But if it's simply not working then what is the point in prolonging the agony and unhappiness?

[wellami]

Tone, have to say I agree with Boisdevie here. If things have got this bad between you and the only thing stopping you leaving is guilt then this is not a healthy relationship and at some point it's all going to come crashing down anyway. The pain and hurt are going to happen anyway, and the longer you leave it the more difficult it is going to be. You can't put your life on hold for fear of what someone else will do with theirs, and you may be causing more damage by prolonging this situation. If you still want to be there for her, you might be able to leave and stay friends and still provide some support but ultimately she has to make her own choices in life and so do you. She might make bad ones, or she might be maturing and learning to make better ones, but either way they are hers to make. It seems like you are trying to find a way to get out with feeling bad but it just doesn't sound like that is going to happen. It also sounds like you've got a touch of the White Knight syndrome that there's another thread about - it's worth reading the first post!

[vashti]

I would worry more about the negative impact your resentfulness is having on this child than whether or not she will be wrecked if you dump her. She sounds like a total mess already. Her kid is going to end up suffering for it whether you are around or not.

Please, darling. Do NOT date anyone else with children. It's such a bad idea when you are in your 20s.