A friend who is ruining a potential relationship.... what to do?

[soulsurvivor23]

Ok here's the deal... I have a potential girl that i'm interested in. My friend introduced me to her (begrudgingly) because he actually liked her first. We never really had a spoken conversation about it but he knew her maybe 3-4 months before I did and he tried his best to no avail. Me on the other hand, she liked almost instantly and I didn't even give it a hard push. So throughout the course of us talking and getting a bit closer, I confided in my friend some personal things that I was having problems with her because of. Certain things she did, certain things she said. Thinking this was a trusted friend and I had no worries in telling him. Next thing you know I discover that he has been feeding her with every word that i'm telling him. Things that should never ever leave his mouth... And now he said something to her (I don't know what) that made her completely stop talking to me. She said she'll talk to me when I "admit what i said about her." But the thing is, I know I haven't said anything majorly terrible, at worst I talked about how she's demanding of me and how I don't like the way she solves problems with the silent treatment. The way she made it sound however was as if I told him some deep dark secret that she has told me. So first of all now i'm in two predicaments. The first is that i've spoken to the guy and he denies having given her any bit of info that I gave him (which is clearly a lie) and the 2nd is that what am I supposed to say to her? Is it wrong of me to have a trusted (or so I thought at that time) friend to confide in about problems i'm having with her? And should I really be like, "I told him X, Y and Z? I don't even know what to do.

[lahnnabell]

Whatever happened to "bros before hoes"? Your friend does not want you to date her. Plain and simple. And apparently he's willing to play hardball to get his way (i.e. sabotaging you). You knew that he liked her AND that he didn't really want to introduce you to her, so what made you think it was okay for you to move in? Sure, she liked you over him, okay, but did you ever think about how your "bro" might feel about that whole situation? Doesn't sound like it, so now he doesn't feel like he owes you anything. According to him, you stole his girl.

[cmacattack1]

His underhanded methods of trying to make you look like a jackass to seal the deal with her seems good on paper, but it's really vain attempts. I would be more worried about her than about him. Sorry a friendship had to be strained along the way. I think when we are all gunning for that person to spend the rest of our life with, losing a friend or two along the way doesn't seem like a big deal in comparison. If that's even what he wants. He's immature and he won't win her over with that kind of attitude. Stupid that you tried to confide in him. Confide in the forum instead!

Perhaps you were a bit too judgemental of this girl? I know you are going to be on your toes, on your guard around women because of what happened in the past, but if you don't give new people the chance and the benefit of the doubt, you could really be shooting yourself in the foot. Your experience should really shape your instincts and you should know if she is acting a certain way, how and why she would act that way. But if you need advice and somebody to talk to, try and confide in a neutral party. If I was your friend, I wouldn't have done what he did, but everybody is different and he is just thinking of himself.

[soulsurvivor23]

Whatever happened to "bros before hoes"? Your friend does not want you to date her. Plain and simple. And apparently he's willing to play hardball to get his way (i.e. sabotaging you). You knew that he liked her AND that he didn't really want to introduce you to her, so what made you think it was okay for you to move in? Sure, she liked you over him, okay, but did you ever think about how your "bro" might feel about that whole situation? Doesn't sound like it, so now he doesn't feel like he owes you anything. According to him, you stole his girl.

Oh but let me clarify, the info about him liking her and him not really wanting me to introduce me to her wasn't obtained through a convo with him. Initially he actually told me that he intro'd me because he was trying to hook me up. Because on the day I met her, my friend and I were walking on campus and he went over to say hi to her and then called me over a few minutes later. So later when I got closer to her she said that all he was doing was chatting her up, and that she was interested in getting to know me so she asked him "who's your friend." And she said he responded by saying "oh thats ____, but he's good over there" or something to that effect and then she insisted that he call me over. And then as my friend and I were leaving after I talked to her for a bit he was like "you like her?" and i'm like i don't really know her but she seems cool. and he's like "nice, see? I hooked u up good" and i'm like thanks.. So I've not only thought he supported it all this time, but also fostered it.

Second, with the whole him liking her thing, I discovered that from her and not him. He's never officially told me to this day that he liked her. I found out that he liked her a siginificant amount of time after I had begun to talk to her.. Therefore in all those regards, I didn't knowingly step on his shoes at all...

BUT, I will still defend that position. Would you let a girl who's wife material go just because your friend had feelings for he first?

[cmacattack1]

BUT, I will still defend that position. Would you let a girl who's wife material go just because your friend had feelings for he first?

I just think he went about it the wrong way. It wasn't a very confident postive way to get a girl, it was mudslinging in your direction so he would look better about himself. He felt threatened that she liked you more, and snitched to make you look like a jackass so he would look better in a positive light. If she didn't like him much in the first place, what's to say this would make things better?

[VincenzoG91]

Your friend is not your friend anymore.

[soulsurvivor23]

I just think he went about it the wrong way. It wasn't a very confident postive way to get a girl, it was mudslinging in your direction so he would look better about himself. He felt threatened that she liked you more, and snitched to make you look like a jackass so he would look better in a positive light. If she didn't like him much in the first place, what's to say this would make things better?

Exactly, that's the other point... He knew her well before I did and he tried to make moves and they weren't reciprocated... And in all actuality him telling her all of this stuff doesn't improve upon his status with her. All it does is worsen my position with her and have her keep him around to deliver information to her.

[lahnnabell]

I don't think his getting shot down by her matters. I would expect that a friend of mine would not go after a guy I was interested in/still am interested in. Vice versa. If I learned that I was hurting my friend in such a way, I'd back off. I don't know if he's trying to blast you because he's just a complete dick, or because he's defending his "territory". Granted, if it is the latter, he deserves a reality check since this girl does not belong to him in any way. Why don't you call him on it?

Somehow I think he feels that he is justified by the fact that you started moving in on a girl he was interested in. I don't think it justifies his shitty behavior, but I think it at least explains it.

[soulsurvivor23]

I will repeat again that I was quite honestly unaware of his feelings for her, as not only did he never say anything to me about it, but he also gave me advice and told me to go after her...

[IndiReloaded]

And now he said something to her (I don't know what) that made her completely stop talking to me. She said she'll talk to me when I "admit what i said about her." But the thing is, I know I haven't said anything majorly terrible, at worst I talked about how she's demanding of me and how I don't like the way she solves problems with the silent treatment.

The only way to solve this is to remove the 3rd party (your ex-friend) from the system. Right now, you don't know who said what. So ask her directly exactly what she is upset about that YOU said to her. When she comes back with [your suspicion] of what your friend said, tell her you don't know what your friend said to her and she should tell you so you can address it.

If she balks, play hardball. Say that you suspect your friend likes her and that you think he may be trying to create division between you. That the only way to sort this out is for her to help reduce the confusion by communicating with you directly. Say that if you somehow offended her, you would like to apologize, but that you can't do this without actually knowing what the problem is.

BTW, some ppl consider divulging negative aspects of a relationship to anyone else, even a trusted friend, as a breach of loyalty. You might want to figure out early what sort of person you are dating and look for alternatives if this is the case. Someone mentioned an anonymous forum like LF as a good option if you are the sort who 'needs to share' and your partner isn't.

Good luck.

[Martin84]

Tell her what you told him. Give her details like X,Y,Z. What is wrong with details if you did not say anything mean about her. If after giving all these details she still wants to play stupid mind games about confessions, she is not worth it. How do you know that she even loves you. If she loved you, she would have not stopped talking to you, she would have confronted you. You might be thinking you did something wrong she she could be the culprit all along.